Hey new mothers, are you tired of using your breast milk to provide sustenance for your ungrateful crotchspawn? Well, MommyMilk Creations has found a better use for it: tacky jewelry!
Just pump out some of that sweet, sweet lactational juice of yours and mail it to Allicia, MommyMilk's mysterious matron, who will use it to whip up a breast-milk amulet with her demon powers. There are almost 30 different designs to choose from, and somehow these pendants are in such high demand that you'll have to wait a year to get one. If nothing else, it'll make a great family heirloom, one that will gross out generations of descendants for years to come!
MommyMilk also makes cremation keepsakes and pet-memorial pendants. Breast milk not included. (?)
If you've never sent bodily fluids through the postal service before, it's surprisingly easy. According to the FAQ, you can even use a Ziploc bag, though it's not recommended. Yes, the milk might go rancid during the shipping process, but not "terribly rancid," and Allicia says it "still works great for what I need to do with it." Plus, there's only a 0.01% chance your Breast Milk Bead will turn yellow. Heck, you'd be stupid not to do this!
[in Hot Fuzz voice] 'You've got a mustache.' [Lady with beer-foam mustache who's also wearing a mustache-shaped breast-milk bead on a necklace]: 'Yeah, I know!'
A sudden realization: This lady must have a fridge full of random strangers' rancid breast milk. And, for a small fee, you can make her keep it indefinitely, just in case you might want another stupid charm somewhere down the line. Cost of doing business, I suppose.
If you're not comfortable with the idea of mailing off your milk, you can make your own breast-milk trinkets with the DIY kit. This doesn't make it any less weird, just so you know, but the option's there.
Just don't accept anything less than MommyMilk quality. On her Facebook page, Allicia advises you to avoid copycat sellers. This is the internet, after all, so of course there's more than one whackadoo making jewelry out of rancid breast milk.
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Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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