If being on the internet has taught me anything, it's that humanity as a whole is an utter abomination unto the eyes of the Lord and also that at some point in the late 80's, just having sex with a girl got too boring and people decided to they needed to "spice things up" by sexualizing really stupid things like shoes, and glasses and waffle irons. It started off innocently enough, I'm sure, but the end result is that we now have over 11,000 individual fetishes with at least 5 Geocities websites dedicated to each of them.
Today, however, we look at a new fetish. Before you watch this video, I want you to sit back, close your eyes and just imagine not necessarily the grossest, but by far the most retarded, awkward, misguided fetish you can possibly imagine. Unless you thought "middle-aged southern housewiThis is the last thing Old Weird Joe sees as he cries himself to sleep for the 4th time this week.ves wearing tap shoes and handcuffs on their ankles", you are dead wrong.
Meet Babs. Babs is wearing tap shoes. Babs is chained up. Babs is apparently from an alternate reality where Earth's timeline diverges from our own just enough so as to make wearing women's shoes illegal and punishable under law. Of course, a law is only a law if it's enforced, so thank god the Neo-Earth Liberation Front or whatever hired "Old Weird Joe" to go door to door and make sure women aren't wearing shoes!
Babs explains that she is rehearsing for a "solo tap dance" at a company christmas party and was trying to rehearse a little during lunch. She's clearly dedicated to her art, seeing as how this video was posted in January which puts the company christmas party roughly 11 months away.
At this point, the obviously well-crafted plot begins to break down. Apparently, Old Weird Joe locked Babs up so that she couldn't embarass all the managers at her work despite this movie obviously taking place in her own house. The male voice suggests that it's clearly a case of false arrest and that she should "sue the place and own the whole company". What a great idea! The next time I get a parking ticket, I'm going to sue the shit out of the police department, install myself as chief of police and then ride around in my squad car all day eating donuts and hassling area youth.
Babs, however, has a better idea. Instead of suing the pants off of whatever the hell kind of company sends people to their employees houses to check up on what kind of shoes they're wearing, she's going to spread the word so that the sissy boys up top hear about it and Old Weird Joe loses his job as Shoe Enforcement Officer and then promptly excuses herself to hop off to the rest room.
By far, my favorite Youtube videos are the ones where the content was intended to be serious and serve some kind of purpose (no matter how retarded that purpose may be) but is so godawful that even the people in the video realize what a wreck it is, and "Babs and the Shoe Inspector" does not disappoint in the slightest.This is actually a totally different screenshot. No, I am not joking.
Babs and her "hubby" (I both assume that's who the male voice is and assume that's what Babs calls him) stumble through their "lines" with such marble-mouthed southern drawls and reckless abandon that even a group of children with learning disabilities would feel slightly uncomfortable watching it. That is, of course, if they weren't already uncomfortable with the thought of Old Weird Joe hiding in their bushes, waiting for the perfect moment to leap out and arrest the lot of them for shoe code violations.
After watching this video, I fully expect atleast one of you to build a time machine, travel back to Earth's distant past, alter history, and make videos as horrible as this illegal. Old Weird Joe would have wanted it that way.
Unfortunately, for reasons yet unknown, Babs decided to remove this video from Youtube. Was it out of embarassment? Guilt? Shame? Did Old Weird Joe finally get the upperhand? We may never know. Thankfully, we here at AwfulVision were able to preserve this video for future generations. Godspeed, Babs, godspeed.
While designing this space, I imagined David Fincher being forced to recreate the music video for Nine Inch Nails' Closer in a haunted gas station bathroom.
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My game is funded. Now I know everything.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!