Yo yo yo, what it is playaz. This is Grandmaster Hiphop comin' straight IN YO FACE to give ya'll the knowledge to bust a sweet move. It don't take a rocket scientist to see that y'all got a funk deficiency so high you can't get over it and so wide you can't get around it, so chickity-check it while I teach y'all the fine art of break dancing.
To be a great break dancer, you need 3 things; in order of importance they are: flashy 80's clothing, wacky facial expressions, and last and certainly least, the actual ability to break dance. Let's start with clothing, shall we?Fresh!
The first thing you're going to need is some spiked leather shit. In fact, if you can just encase your entire body in spiked leather, you're already better than 99% of the break dancers on the planet. If you don't live next door to a fetish shop like I do, it's still easy to get the spiked leather you'll need! Just head to any Judas Priest concert circa 1983, find some kids out front that are decked out in leather, offer to let them smoke weed with the band, and then beat them senseless with a tire iron and take what you need!
Now, as you all know, break dancers have to have really good balance. So, we're going to need to balance out all that leather with a rainbow striped shirt. I'm sure you all have one already, so I'll move on. The last piece of clothing we'll need is some snow boarding goggles. Make sure to always wear the goggles loosely around your neck. NEVER PUT THEM ON, I can't stress this enough!
Okay, you're most of the way there, but now it's time to learn some hiphop facial expressions. I'll turn things over to my homie from the oldschool, Rapmaster Masterraps. His Funkiness teaches us some very important lessons such as:
Mime is a lot of fun
He loves to ham things up
We need into get the groove of things.
To illustrate, he shows us some funky fresh facial expressions that'll have the crowd saying "Word." In fact, these expressions are so vital, I'm going to just end the review here and show you a few of my favorites:
"he has white oppression to thank for those nice teeth"
"Somebody put a cock in his mouth and get it over with."
"this poor black dude never ever thought he would some day end up giving white kids terrible, terrible nightmares."
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!