First there was the Gawker Stalker, then SA's parody series Celebrity Stalker, and now there's "Celebrity Encounter Stories," which is like Celebrity Stalker but with more rudeness, irony and meta commentary. In other words, these encounters really happened so please pass them along as fact!

Tom Hanks taking way more paper towels than he needed from a public restroom, and stuffing them into his pockets and into his jacket. Told me he didn't know anyone called Tom Hanks in a bad French accent when he noticed me. I used to have a lot of respect for this man and I still do and I respect him more now.

Sighted by: no they will not

Met rapper and Community star Donald Glover at a Subway in Illinois. Told him his last album was a complete piece of shit and he started sobbing and agreeing, just mumbling "I know, I'm sorry, I know" over and over through his tears. Raised my hand like i was going to hit him and he flinched away. Then I asked him to give me fifty dollars and he did.

Sighted by: no they will not

Was walking through an alleyway when I saw 13th President of the United States Millard Fillmore sleeping in a dumpster.

Sighted by: Anime Sandwich

I saw Laurence Fishburne in downtown New York throwing bread to dozens of pigeons around his feet, laughing really loudly and deeply the entire time. One bird landed on his head and pecked out a little hole on his face, so I guess that's how that happened.

Sighted by: Monocular

I was perusing the shelves in my local supermarket for gluten-free delights, when I spotted the Gangnam Style Dude. I rushed up to him and asked for an autograph and told him I loved his music but he kept saying "I'm not him" and "Buddy, you are a fucking racist". I guess all the fame has really gone to the head of the MC Hammer of the millennial generation.

Sighted by: somtt

Saw Jerry Seinfeld one night. Asked him for a joke and all he said was "get the fuck out of my apartment" before I was able to silence him. Not really that good of a joke. Honestly, isn't nearly as funny in real life as he is in Seinfeld and Bee Movie.

Sighted by: Anime Sandwich

Bart Simpson: Recently ran into the TV preteen and perennial prankster outside his London holiday residence. Seemed a little awkward to be recognized, wouldn't sign anything. Good guy! Went back inside and peered through the curtain until he thought I'd left. Was wearing a $400-500 cashmere suit and ermine cloak w/ diamond studded cane.

Sighted by: no they will not

Had an uncharacteristically long wait for my Little Caesar's Hot 'n' Ready Pepperoni Pizza in San Diego, was getting a little fidgety and out of the corner of my eye I saw someone trying to remain incognito in sweat pants and a baseball cap pulled down tight. It wasn't actually anyone famous, just anti-social, anyway I got my pizza and ate it in my car, my hands were kind of greasy afterwards and I ran down a young black girl, but this is the price we pay for convenience.

Sighted by: Triticum Guzzler

Was at a Dennys at 3 in the morning and I headed to the bathroom to take a piss. As I was walking in the bathroom, to my surprise, Bill Murray was walking out. "Hey you're Bill Mur-" I was cut off as he quickly dragged me into the bathroom and started beating me. I cowered into the fetal position, Bill's powerful strikes sending shoots of pain throughout my body.

Bill took out a switchblade and kneeled down, and held it to my throat. Saliva was frothing from his mouth as he lifted my head up, driving it painfully into the switchblade, with a grin stretching across his face. He stared deep into my eyes and for the first time spoke, simply saying "No one will ever believe you."

With that, I passed out. When I woke up around an hour later, my pants were soiled with urine and my wallet was missing from my jean pocket. Well, thats my celebrity encounter. All I know is that I was so blessed to be able to meet such a hero of mine. Cheers!

Sighted by: Anime Sandwich

I was in a local healthy/expensive type supermarket here in Grand Rapids, Michigan (we have a lot of those) and I'm in line to buy some ham at the deli there. The lady asked me what kind, and I said "I have no fucking idea what different kinds of ham there are, lady" ENTIRELY too loudly and the guy behind me in line I hadn't noticed burst the hell up laughing.

I turn around. Steve Martin.

He kinda half leans around me and says "Honey glazed!" to the lady over the counter and I just kinda stare at him for a sec then smile and say thanks. I'm about to pay for it and he says "No way this one's on me" and pays the check for it right there. I was astounded, it was so awesome that I did the only thing I could think of ... The Three Amigos salute. Once again he cracks up and asked me if I had any idea how long it had been since someone did that. I said "a year?" he said "try ten."

We ended up having coffee at a place across the street. Turns out he bought a house in Monticeto, a really expensive residential area in SB, and has been living there a while. We talked about everything that wasn't his career for about 45 minutes before he had to take off because his deli stuff was gonna go bad. I shook his hand and said he made my year today. He smiled and beat my head in with a tire iron. I looked up from the floor, my eyes covered in my own blood as I made out a blurry image of an anvil being hoisted above his head. Through the ringing in my ears I couldn't hear his probably witty parting line before the anvil came crashing down, ending my life.

Sighted by: about_face

i saw god after swallowing 2 packets of pro plus and racking up so many monster kills that the message got burned into my screen

Sighted by: I.N.R.I

 
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