Let's take a quick inventory and see just who has the upper hand:
You: Weighed down by your black trench coat, low visibility hockey mask, and 45 pound gas powered chain saw
Me: Limber and refreshed from just exiting the shower and using Zest brand body soap
You: Winded from screaming "i'm going to get you" at the top of your lungs upon entering the room
Me: Relaxed and ready to dodge in any direction due to the lack of resistance from clothing
You: Probably alerted half the neighborhood by just walking around looking like a creep
Me: Could probably just stand still and the police will be here any moment
Dads Dip Cup
*shuffling up the half-dead tree in my front yard that I've been too lazy to take care of for the past three months* "ooh, I'm in a tree! how ya gonna get me now, big guy?"
chainsaw person: did you just piss yourself
me: yes but only because i need to go. it's not because of you. i'm just releasing a little weight from my bladder, making me even quicker and more able to easily elude you. too bad you'd never have the moral fortitude and mercurial ingenuity to piss yourself to catch me.
chainsaw person: damn you!
Chainsaw Person: Restricted by phallocentric social norms, "acting out" within a narrow sphere of masculine violence against women
Me: Covered in urine, unafraid, dashing forward with easy long-legged strides while making sure not to strain my core
chainsaw guy chasing a bunch of speedwalkers in a speedwalking race
chainsaw guy chasing a parkour guy
chainsaw guy in gym running on treadmill while on the treadmill in front of him an old woman is walking at a moderate pace
chainsaw guy trying to run in a pool (difficult b/c resistance) holding his chainsaw over his head to avoid it getting wet and the person hes chasing is michael phelps
i came up with these ideas and wrote them down while i was being chased by a chainsaw person
LP0 ON FIRE
*filing nails as chainsaw murderer charges after me*
*stabs me in the stomach and cuts my torso off*
me, in a gurgling voice and my eyes rolling uncaringly: "whatever dude."
[psychotic killer tugs at chainsaw starting pull cord] brrp
[tugs again] brrp
[tugs yet again, slight panic setting in] brrp
me: you forgot the choke
[killer ignores me, pulls more frenziedly at the cord] brrp
me: the choke, it's never going to start if you don't pull out the choke
[shifts his body so his back is towards me] brrp
me: fine, do it your way, but we're going to be here all day at this rate
chainsaw murderer: im GOING to saw you in HALF
chainsaw murserer: saw YOU in HALF
me(grinning): how much??
chainsaw murder: IM GOING to SAW YOU-
me(looking at the camera): youre going to what now
chainsaw idiot: aaaggh fuck
me, getting my arm hacked off: you moron. chainsaws arent even used in hockey
update: me and the chainsaw maniac have talked things out and are now friends. it's funny what happens when you start being open minded and stop being scared of things just because their different
This week, I'll be playing an '80s arcade rom rumored to be a CIA mind-control experiment. Please like and subscribe!
I'm thankful that the internet has a few more weeks of Net Neutrality protection before the inevitable outcome of deregulation comes to pass. I'll see you on Tier Basic, assuming you spring for the Limited Email Plan and your ISP hasn't throttled this domain.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.