Every day for the last two years I've stubbed my toe on parked cars. I'm now immune to car accidents. I cross the street without looking, and a bus fruitlessly bounces off my shoulder. The street is a plinko board. My antibodies dissolve a semi. I cannot be stopped
Do you have any idea how much calcium flows through my body at this moment? And you would stand in opposition to me? Pathetic... you can no more stop me than you could stop a mountain made of pure calcium. My bones are harder than steel. My fingernails are the strongest blades known to mankind. Osteoporosis? Menopause? These things mean nothing to me. Nothing! You believe being pregnant would leech the calcium from my bones? I could have a thousand children and still my bones would be able to withstand the deepest oceans. And you stand before me and you will not surrender? Then you will die.
Plagued by dry eyes, I slam a bottle of flax pills. The tears come in a trickle - a torrent - a jet. I am a saline Cyclops and my very sight is destruction. After a hard lesson on responsibility I decide to volunteer as a fountain at a mini golf course
supervillian: you'll never escape from my prison, FutonForensic! The gaps of these bars are much too thin to let someone as solid and dry like you escape!
*I take a stash of travel-sized lotion bottles out of my butthole and start applying them until my body is nothing but moisture*
supervillian: what are you doing--no!!
*My skin is like water. I effortlessly glide between the bars and out under the door*
Nytol? Try Nytolways. I use their Anti-Snoring Throat Spray at a dosage of ten thousand sprays/Kg body weight. I have begun to do "inward snores", which impart sibillant knowledge into my brain for a period of several hours over deep REM. Partners and nearby sleepers merely hear a sound like a snake quietly shedding its skin. I now know how to tie knots, balance my budget, and access the primal self.
I chug lactaid like gatorade. by drinking it constantly I have cowed lactose into utter submission. enzymes ooze from my pores like sweat, enveloping me in a cloud that digests any dairy products within a ten-foot radius. nursing mothers fear me; dairy cows stampede away when I approach. cheesemongers pay exorbitant sums to keep me from entering their establishments; they offer a tribute of pounds and pounds of the rarest cheeses, which I cannot enjoy because they dissolve into goo and drip between my fingers before they touch my lips.
Consumed 8 servings of fruit; double the recommended daily value. I've been on the run for a few days now. The FDA doesn't recommend; it commands. I bit off more than I could chew and now I know things I'm not supposed to. They can't catch me, though. I have so much potassium flowing through my veins that my muscles are infinitely efficient. So much vitamin C I can camouflage myself like a chameleon. The FDA made a mistake, and, one way or another, it will be their last.
my lieutenant: it's over, general google this! we're dead! the doctor army has breached our walls and they're closing in on our position!
me: (pries the lid off a crate to reveal a full bushel of apples) not for long.
gaggle of teachers: *walk up* Why hello, social vegan, and uhhh what have we got here
sv: Hi all, this is my science fair project!
teachers: ...strange, it looks just like you sitting in front of some bristol board with and open jar of TUMS
sv: ya'll are gonna wanna stand back for this one
This week, I'll be playing an '80s arcade rom rumored to be a CIA mind-control experiment. Please like and subscribe!
I'm thankful that the internet has a few more weeks of Net Neutrality protection before the inevitable outcome of deregulation comes to pass. I'll see you on Tier Basic, assuming you spring for the Limited Email Plan and your ISP hasn't throttled this domain.
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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.