According to the loud guy in my office who sells newspapers, most of the customers polled say they buy subscriptions because of the advertisements and coupons. And yeah, that's one way to reduce spending at the supermarket ... by spending money on a separate product, which also requires you to spend valuable time, and maybe even use scissors. The Savvy Internet-Style Consumer, like the type found in SA's FYAD forum, prefers these next-level tactics for saving money - and saving face!
no they will not
The can switcheroo:
Me: Excuse me, do you know where the cans are.
Shop worker: in aisle three sir... uhh, do you seriously not know where the cans are? That's really embarrassing.
Me: Actually, I do know where the cans are. I was just testing you to see if you knew, to keep you on your toes. And hey - good job.
The ol' pasta sauce gambit:
Shop worker: Excuse me sir. I rushed over after hearing the sound of glass breaking, and I note that you are now standing next to a smashed bottle of pasta sauce. Could you please explain what happened.
Me: Sure - a big guy smashed the pasta sauce and ran away. He was really fast, so you probably won't catch him.
Shop worker: Ah, word up sir. It's a pity I didn't get here in time to catch the culprit.
angry story guy: hey, was it you who tried to open this fire escape and set the alarm off?
me: *closes computer magazine slowly* sorry i've been stood here reading this computer magazine's in-depth articles this whole time, and missed the incident. Good luck with your investigations.
no they will not
The Celeb Boondoggle:
Shop Security: Sir - sir. You're not actually allowed to steal stuff. You have to pay for it beforehand. What are you doing.
Me: Well, I don't blame you for doing your job. A regular person would have to pay. However, I am wealthy celebrity from the TV or movies.
Shop Security: Wow, a real celebrity! Of course, you're free to go, sir! Can I& can I have an autograph?
Me: Actually I'm pretty busy so I can't uh [trails off mumbling, runs out of shop without groceries]
the grab bag:
me: *goes to the salad bar*
manager: *sigh* *picks up phone*
me: *gets a small salad container*
manager: oh phew *hangs up phone*
me: *uses the small salad container to scoop ham cubes into grocery bag taped under my shirt*
manager: *picks up phone*
A Scanner, Dorkly or Gross Domestic Product:
*cashier attempts to scan item but it doesn't register*
me: heh, i guess that means it's free, right?
cashier: uh no, i'll just have to scan it again
me: wow, you know that repetitive motion at work can lead to carpal tunnel syndrome? are you really going to injure yourself, costing hundreds or thousands in medical bills, just so the store sees the correct profit from that can of Spaghetti-O's i tore the bar code off of?
cashier: *presses panic button under register*
the second swipe:
cashier: sir, I think you just swiped your card through the reader the wrong way.
me: I did not! I must not have any money for groceries after all! *leaves without paying or groceries*
Cashier: Do you have your customer rewards card with you?
Me: Of course. *patting pockets frantically* Um. Let me just call my friend, who is the one who has it. *starts dialing phone*
Me: (mouthing) It's my girlfriend.
Cashier: It's okay, you can just type the phone number into the screen.
Me: *pausing* Oh. Uh. Ok? *beep boop boop*
Me: Wait, my phone number or the number I was just dialing?
Cashier: Yours. :|
Me: Oh....... I think I hear my hot girlfriend over there. *leaves calmly*
Cashier: *walks around counter to screen and clears the 911 that I typed*
Big Anime Fan Here
Cleanup on Aisle Pee:
Employee: Sir did you see who peed in this aisle? The pee that is on the ground all around you and on your shoes
Me: Yeah actually, and I beat that guy up so bad that he's dead now hahaha. No charge
Employee: Wow, I didn't expect to be giving anyone free groceries for life today, but I guess that's why they say "Expect the unexpected"
The Remains of Bidet (James Ivory, 1993)
We might find we have more in common than we think if we just stop fighting long enough to combine our bodies into a singular organism.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.