no they will not

Me (waiting in checkout line): This is taking forever. There are all these checkouts with no cashier - it'd go a lot faster if one the other checkouts opened.

Manager (nearby, overhearing): Damn, that's pretty good. This guy has a refreshing way of looking at things

dendy crew

The Game Changer:

Me: Oh I Looooove Shopping For Ethnic International Foods.
*I go to the aisle*
Me: I Love Reasonably Priced Goya And Barilla Products. I Love Diversity In Quantities And Meals.
*I shovel in a bunch of coconut waters, nectars, sauces, and curries into my cart*
Me: It Makes My Life Vivid To Be Able To Sample Other Cultures In A Predictable Way.
*I go to the checkout and use my club card*
Me: Finding Ways To Expand My Culinary Horizons And Enrich My Life Through Shared Experiences Is A Noble Goal.
*I pack the goods into my car and drive home*
Me: I Enjoy Being Nourished In Multiple Ways Simultaneously. This Can Be Achieved By Eating Things Atypical To My Dominant Culture.
*I dip a naan bread into marinara sauce and top it with toasted nori and eat it*
Me: I Yearn To Shop, Again. Good Night White People.
White People [All]: Good Night.
*We sleep standing up, clothed*

Sai

The unexpected party animal:

Shop worker: Wow, buying the cheapest beer available, and it's only 9AM. Are you an alcoholic?
Me: No, in fact, I'm either stocking up for an awesome party tonight, or mayb still partying from last night
Shop worker: *embarrassed* Wow, you're a really cool dude, partying so hard
Me: Thx

SRN

me: excuse me, pharmacist. can you tell me where the tampons are? They are for my girlfriend who is menstruating at this time.

pharmacist: My first urge is to laugh at your plight but since you are very comfortable about purchasing an item in defiance of small-minded judgement, I will instead direct you to aisle 4.

me: Thank you, you're very kind.

anne frank fanfic

cashier: Do you want to donate $2 to some gay ass charity?

me: I just ran out of 2 dollar bills, sorry. I get paid next friday, if that helps... *mentally crosses the final grocery store within 25 miles off my list*

cashier: Ah, no problem.

Trunchbox Plus

Me: Look I don't know how to say it but that incredibly HIV+ guy who's always cruising for unwrapped anal in the bathroom stalls at this supermarket is back.

Cashier: What do you mean "that guy"? I've never heard of that happening here.

Me: My search continues to another store.

Judge Clayjar

the meat feel:

worker: ah sir could you please stop feeling and fondling the ground beef and steaks
me: try it yourself, they feel just like butts.
worker: ahhh.....so they do. carry on sir.

Yad Rock

The Botulism Botch or One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest:

me: do you have those swollen cans of soup with botulism in them?
manager: certainly not! we would never sell tainted food here
me: oh that's too bad because i'm a doctor and i was going to cure botulism but without a specimen... i'm afraid it's too late

no they will not

Oldest trick in the book:

Me: The money in the till there ... it's mine. I dropped it in there earlier by mistake
Cashier: Oh no ... wait a minute, I've got an idea! If I take the money back out of the till, I could give it to you, and then you'd have it again! Good job I thought of it - otherwise your money would be in the till forever.
Me [thinking]: Oldest trick in the book

Thanks to g0m/no they will not for starting the theme, and to FYAD for the posts! Also, thanks to dendy crew for the GIFs; you can enjoy music together with him and have safe fun, on the web!

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2018 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.