no they will not

Me (waiting in checkout line): This is taking forever. There are all these checkouts with no cashier - it'd go a lot faster if one the other checkouts opened.

Manager (nearby, overhearing): Damn, that's pretty good. This guy has a refreshing way of looking at things

dendy crew

The Game Changer:

Me: Oh I Looooove Shopping For Ethnic International Foods.
*I go to the aisle*
Me: I Love Reasonably Priced Goya And Barilla Products. I Love Diversity In Quantities And Meals.
*I shovel in a bunch of coconut waters, nectars, sauces, and curries into my cart*
Me: It Makes My Life Vivid To Be Able To Sample Other Cultures In A Predictable Way.
*I go to the checkout and use my club card*
Me: Finding Ways To Expand My Culinary Horizons And Enrich My Life Through Shared Experiences Is A Noble Goal.
*I pack the goods into my car and drive home*
Me: I Enjoy Being Nourished In Multiple Ways Simultaneously. This Can Be Achieved By Eating Things Atypical To My Dominant Culture.
*I dip a naan bread into marinara sauce and top it with toasted nori and eat it*
Me: I Yearn To Shop, Again. Good Night White People.
White People [All]: Good Night.
*We sleep standing up, clothed*


The unexpected party animal:

Shop worker: Wow, buying the cheapest beer available, and it's only 9AM. Are you an alcoholic?
Me: No, in fact, I'm either stocking up for an awesome party tonight, or mayb still partying from last night
Shop worker: *embarrassed* Wow, you're a really cool dude, partying so hard
Me: Thx


me: excuse me, pharmacist. can you tell me where the tampons are? They are for my girlfriend who is menstruating at this time.

pharmacist: My first urge is to laugh at your plight but since you are very comfortable about purchasing an item in defiance of small-minded judgement, I will instead direct you to aisle 4.

me: Thank you, you're very kind.

anne frank fanfic

cashier: Do you want to donate $2 to some gay ass charity?

me: I just ran out of 2 dollar bills, sorry. I get paid next friday, if that helps... *mentally crosses the final grocery store within 25 miles off my list*

cashier: Ah, no problem.

Trunchbox Plus

Me: Look I don't know how to say it but that incredibly HIV+ guy who's always cruising for unwrapped anal in the bathroom stalls at this supermarket is back.

Cashier: What do you mean "that guy"? I've never heard of that happening here.

Me: My search continues to another store.

Judge Clayjar

the meat feel:

worker: ah sir could you please stop feeling and fondling the ground beef and steaks
me: try it yourself, they feel just like butts.
worker: they do. carry on sir.

Yad Rock

The Botulism Botch or One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest:

me: do you have those swollen cans of soup with botulism in them?
manager: certainly not! we would never sell tainted food here
me: oh that's too bad because i'm a doctor and i was going to cure botulism but without a specimen... i'm afraid it's too late

no they will not

Oldest trick in the book:

Me: The money in the till there ... it's mine. I dropped it in there earlier by mistake
Cashier: Oh no ... wait a minute, I've got an idea! If I take the money back out of the till, I could give it to you, and then you'd have it again! Good job I thought of it - otherwise your money would be in the till forever.
Me [thinking]: Oldest trick in the book

Thanks to g0m/no they will not for starting the theme, and to FYAD for the posts! Also, thanks to dendy crew for the GIFs; you can enjoy music together with him and have safe fun, on the web!

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller

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