So I'm standing there jabbering away one day when I notice the people are laughing. I kept talking and the laughter got louder and louder. First thing I do is check my zipper. Nope, that wasn't it. Now I'm totally self-conscious. I stop talking and go back to feeding the girls. I push my cart to the next shift door and reach for my keys to unlock it, and they're gone. I look behind me, look in the cart, look in Clara's feed pile. Nothing. Now the people are roaring.
Clara meanwhile is rocking back and forth, left to right and she has her trunk up in the air. She's chirping like a bird and was as excited as a little kid waiting for the ice cream man. Suddenly I hear my keys jangling. I look up and she's got my keys 15 feet above my head.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.