Last week's enlightening slice-of-life Goldmine featured a heroic survivor of the homeschooling system. In terms of unique upbringings, it might be equally interesting to hear from someone who spent his or her childhood as a wizard's apprentice and now identifies as an adult wizard, but while I'm sure there's someone like that out there, maybe even on the SA Forums, today's personal-interest story focuses on Jukeboxblues, who openly practices wizardry in the realm of fantasy. Goons claiming to be paladins, rangers and even rogues weighed in on the pros and cons of their chosen classes. Much like the Marvel Cinematic Universe, this kind of discussion is cool these days.
I have been posting on this forum for a short while now, and I feel it's high time I let you all know: I'm a wizard. This may come a shock to some of you. Some of you might have been keen enough to pick up on subtle hints dropped here and there and have had suspicions. All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you did before you knew.
Some of you may not like me because of this. Heck, I don't blame you. It can be a very confusing thing for simple farmers or generic fighters to understand. I have heard it all, trust me, everything from "Are you sure this isn't just a phase? You know I went through a multiclass phase when I was in college, it doesn't mean anything!" to "Have you tried not being a wizard?" When I was first out it was somewhat shocking to me. I would try to consult the ancient texts for answers, but it was always lacking. I have been an openly proud wizard for about 20 years now. I have attended marches, supported the rights movements, you name it! I have been to loads of crazy wizard parties; in my youth, I even dabbled in some ancient summonings and communion with elder gods. I have seen it all, man!
I have always known, my parents have always known. It really is just something you are born as. I didn't pick it. I just so happened to be a person with low Strength, Con and Charisma, but exceptionally high Int and Wisdom. Now you are probably asking yourself "who the heck cares!" and you're right. But there is probably someone reading this now who is a closeted Wizard, Cleric or even a Druid! You must know that you are not alone.
In today's society we are always told to aspire to be a Paladin, or a Fighter. Shit, even Bards are more socially acceptable these days. And constantly in the media we are under-represented. And Clerics? Everyone thinks they are pedophiles because of those fucking lowly priests! And when someone like me is represented it's always in such a cliche way. Oh look he is probably totally bad ass, oh man his desk is soooo messy look at him he must be an aloof genius or something! No, actually. Most of us are very normal. We work normal adventuring jobs, some of us even wait tables. We are no different from you, other than we are much more fragile and wicked smart.
To start, I figured I should clear up a lot of commonly asked questions and misconceptions.
Q: So what, do you hate fighting evil and exploring dungeons or something?
A: No. Quite the opposite, in fact. You would be quite surprised at how many wizards are in your average party. We are damned good at smiting evil! Its just that evil is good at smiting us too.
Q: What about your family? Are you proud that you are ruining their tradition? You monster!
A: I am not proud of the hurt I may have caused my father. As is very typical with today's families, I grew up in a household of Fighters. My mother and father were both very high level fighters, as were their parents and so on. I was somewhat lucky in a way, though, as I had siblings to carry on their family name as Fighters. But I could never be proud of myself if I tried to hide the fact that I was a Wizard from everyone my entire life.
Q: You do realize that you lot are the problem, right? All these eldritch horrors and abominations that plague our lands are because of your filthy, disgusting ways!
A: Whilst I do not disagree that some Wizards summoned all the evils in the worlds, I must always remind people that they were in fact ordered to do so by FIGHTERS. There are bad people out there, Fighter or Wizard. But there are also good people! I know a lot of Wizards that help out at orphanages and graveyards, placing wards of protection around the place and clearing out giant spiders and their pesky cob webs. You should try meeting some of us, I am sure you will realize they are just as good as Fighters.
Q: B-but how do I spot one? How do I know I am not a Wizard!?
A: It's not about what you look like, its about who you are as a person. Here are a few examples of famous people throughout history that I bet you didn't even realize were Wizards!
American Hero and noted Slayer of Vampires, Abraham Lincoln.
British Hero and Wizard who blessed his allies to ensure victory, Winston Churchill.
Famous Lich and Actress, Betty White.
As you can see, we come in all shapes, sizes and genders! Please do feel free to post any questions you may have for me. And for those of you who are in the WCDM (Wizard Cleric Druid Monk) society, please share stories or seek advice on how to come out to your parents and loved ones!
Afraid of ideas and free speech? Well then you better not read this article, coward.
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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.