"Hey there! It's your best buddy Wanda! Wanda, from down at The Hair I Save Could Be Your Own? No, silly, pink hair is Sheila! Well, anyway honey, I was just calling you up because I wanted to talk to you about a brand new service we offer! Well, you know how at THISCBYO we don't just take care of the hair on the top of your head, but your hair everywhere? Well lady, we're gonna start taking care of your most neglected hair - the hair on your bottom!

No, miss, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply you have a hairy bottom. Please don't use the "a" word. If you'll just allow me to start over. I'm sorry.

Anyway, we here at the salon just want to make sure that cute little apple-bottom of yours doesn't end up turning into a peach! Because of, you know, fuzz. So now we're going to start offering a special introductory price on our newest service - anal bleaching!

I am being serious. I promise. I'm sure you have plenty of questions, ma'am. Rest assured, there's a great website out there to help answer anything you might want to ask. Yes, it does says it will "delete a few years from your life." You know, make you younger!

And the website is so helpful with all the testimonials and product reviews! You'll want to know if the subtle, lasting burn is common or uncommon with whichever delightful anal bleach you use! Don't worry, though, it's just an hour or so of discomfort in exchange for a lifetime of bright, shining anus! Well, a few months.

Yes, poop will still come out of it."

- Daryl "Fucking" Hall