4:20 - Smoke Embalming Fluid Every Day
Cheech and Chong are a testament to the fact that some drugs have side-effects no more harmful than shitty comedy and a need to recycle one bad joke over and over again.
As an avid viewer of CNN and the History Channel I tend to keep up with current events and events that were current in 1939-1945 respectively. While Hitler still seems to be sweeping through France and then ultimately losing to the combined might of the Allied powers on the History Channel, the CNN channel has stopped talking about the Sniper and has recently begun talking up a new street drug. Referred to as "wet", "illy", "fry", or "wack", it's basically a form of embalming fluid that can be soaked into cigarettes or marijuana and smoked. What makes it extra special is that it's often itself laced with PCP, everyone's favorite drug that leads to amusing side effects like immunity to gun shots and accidental infant face consumption.
Much like the whole "licking toads gets you high" trend of a few years ago, the "smoking embalming fluid gets you high" trend of today mystifies me. It begs the question how are these scientific high-getting discoveries made? One of my theories involves a research group in a California highology laboratory. They sit around in white lab coats getting paid to inhale random chemicals from an alphabetical list. Then, once they find a chemical that gets the lab workers high, they start the process over pairing it with random chemicals. While this pipedream may in fact be just that - my imagination - I decided that there was a lot of money to be made in producing the next big drug craze to appear on the streets.
With this as my goal I made plans to assemble a team of crack researchers to assist me in conducting my study of what chemicals will get you high. My first step in putting together this drug dream team was to figure out what chemicals I had handy that I could test. After searching I found the following items:
Dawn Lemon Scented Foaming Action Dish Soap
Pure, refined, Colombian mystery gulash.
An Anti-Desiccant Pack
Mysterious Container of Brown Slurry and Blue Growth (Refrigerated)
One Kitten and a Lot of Kitten Turds
The second step was much easier and less time-consuming. All I had to do was select a site where my team and I could conduct our groundbreaking study. For the sake of convenience I selected our bathroom, since I figured if anyone vomits because of smoking one of the above items they could do so in the bath tub, or the toilet I guess. Then if they passed out or something we could put them in the bath tub and run cold water on them until they wake up and get back to work and stop being lazy and shiftless.
Next up was getting together the budget for paying my testers. I had 63 dollars in cash and about 20 dollars in my bank account, I figured this would be enough but just in case it wasn't I asked Michelle for twenty dollars. I told her I needed it to score some H and when she asked what H was I told her it meant Hentai, even though I think it means Herbs. Either way she refused and locked the bedroom door so I took it out of her purse and garnished my wages an additional twenty dollars for going to the trouble of asking her in the first place.
Selecting my testing candidates was by far the most time consuming portion of the pre-testing phase. I needed four subjects and a control group, preferably a control group who was either a sexy woman or really good at playing me in Dead or Alive 3 for the Xbox. After a grueling 48 minute recruitment drive that involved walking around my block and yelling "free drugs" and posting personals on a swinging couples message board called "The Double Header" using pictures of Katie Holmes, I had my group of fresh-faced recruits.
Let's run down that list of all stars before we get to the hard scientific data that my study generated.
Juan Garcia - Age 52 - A Puerto Rican derelict I found collecting cans of cat food from the garbage bags behind my apartment building, I felt he had a lot to offer the program. Namely he had experience in testing drugs already. In 1978 while being incarcerated in Federal Prison for mail fraud and attempt to rape a moving freight vehicle he participated in a government test of DDT to lessen his sentence. Blind, constantly hallucinating, prone to screaming and biting, he possessed the qualities that I look for in a lab worker in spades.
This is the image Mark and Gwendolyn used in their "Double Header" profile.
Mark and Gwendolyn Price - Ages 47 and 41 - A couple I found on "The Double Header" in search of "bondage (sub pref), scat play (m or f), dp (w/ d), and genital torture (sub pref, although Mark likes it too)" with a "single female 18-24". Even though I'm not a single female age 18 through 24, I knew Mark and Gwendolyn couldn't pass up the opportunity to get high. I assured them upon arriving at my apartment that "~+SexyTeen+~" would be home any minute to indulge their desires.
Jenny Goldman - Age 9 - I found Jenny wandering the neighborhood unable to find her parents. Without parental supervision Jenny was sure to be an easy mark for a low wage and maybe some candy. While she might lack experience when it comes to doing illicit substances I felt that her relative freshness to mind-altering drugs would prove invaluable.
Arnold "Mittens" Lesko - Age 22 - I found this character on "The Double Header". He's a furry with the alter-ego "Mittens" a kitten, he was bi-sexual and in search of a couple to give him a "bowl of milk and maybe more". While he seemed disappointed when he arrived in his kitten costume with his filth-encrusted sex flaps down and Katie Holmes didn't answer the door, he quickly took to the idea that Mark and Gwendolyn would have sex with him after the study was done being conducted. I chose him as my control group because he claimed to be pretty good at Super Smash Brothers: Melee and I figured talent in that might translate to a less homoerotic fighting game like DoA3.
The study was conducted in the bathroom with Juan, Mark, Gwendolyn, and Jenny as my test subjects and Mittens as my control group. The drugs were given to them one at a time. When the item was in liquid form I soaked normal tobacco cigarettes in the substance before giving it to them. The results of these tests are categorized by each substance given. In most cases the subjects spoke for themselves about the quality of the chemical but at times when they were unable I noted the observed effects of usage.
Test One: Dawn Lemon Scented Foaming Action Dish Soap
This test was conducted with cigarettes soaked in one ounce of Dawn Lemon Scented Foaming Action Dish Soap and then allowed to dry to combustible levels. Reactions were recorded approximately ten minutes after the subjects finished inhaling the smoke.
Garcia during happier times, such as this dish soap test, hours before the tragic cat shit test.
Juan Garcia: "This stuff really hurts my eyes like something terrible man, what you put in this? Soap you said? I put soap in a muffler of a car to make it run cleaner and the police told me not to do that anymore and then I bit the police man on his nose and I went to prison. They never let me stay in prison even though it is nice except for the dragons that come at you when you close your eyes. So yeah, this stuff is like the dragons if that's what you want."
Mark and Gwendolyn Price: (Mark speaking) "We thought this stuff was super and it got me rock hard. Gwendolyn probably would have stuck needles in my balls if it weren't for that kid. Do you have a swing or something we could use for maybe ten minutes? Even a sheet or hammock and a couple forks? She could ram cans of soda up your ass while I do her hard and then I could jerk off while she kicks you in the balls. Okay man, yeah, that stuff was awesome."
Jenny Goldman: "My mommy told me smoking is bad but this stuff is crazy and that smelly man tried to bite me. Can I go home now, please?"
Mittens: "I feel a little yiffy, are Mark and Gwendolyn done yet?" (observation: control group is not good at Dead or Alive 3 and keeps picking the guy who looks like Hulk Hogan)
Test Two: An Anti-Desiccant Pack
The Anti-Desiccant was removed from the pack and inserted into four separate rolling papers mixed with oregano. Jenny had a seizure immediately after she began inhaling the substance so the recording of results was delayed until she regained consciousness.
Juan Garcia: "Okay yeah, have you ever had a hobo ham sandwich? It looks and tastes just like ham but instead of ham it's made out of those things they put on milk jugs in between the cap and the opening to keep you from peeing in them. I could go for one of them about now and this stuff you gave me is making my eyes bleed unless that might be, oh yeah, from me running my face into the tile on the floor. Clean enough to eat a hobo ham sandwich off of and that's one lonely hobo."
Mark and Gwendolyn Price: (Gwendolyn speaking) "Well if this stuff wasn't the bee's knees I don't know what is. It got Mark rock hard and I just wanted him to rail me like the day we met at SwingCon 88. I was there with Jimmy and he just swept me off my feet and put me in the anti-gravity boots and started sticking things out of his pocket up my ass. It was fantastic and then he peed all over my face. Absolutely the bee's knees, just like that stuff."
Jenny Goldman: (observation: incapable of coherent speech after recovering from seizure. Mild bleeding from where she bit her tongue, keeps attempting to kick me when I request she return to the test chamber. Is exempt from the next test although becomes exceedingly hyper and excited during test three)
Mittens: "Do you have any kitty treats?! Meeeeoowww…"(observation: control group was briefly knocked unconscious by a thrown shoe in order to maintain integrity of the data)
Test Three: Mysterious Container of Brown Slurry and Blue Growth
Experimental chemical three was removed from the tinfoil-covered container it was found in and stirred into a pot of very strong coffee. Some sections of blue growth had to be juiced as they were encapsulated with a hard shell but contained a thick, clear, fluid. Origin of growth is unknown but host substance was believed to be either refried beans or human remains. Effects were recorded ten minutes after subjects finished their portions.
I swear to Christ on a burning cross that if I ever meet a furry again I'm going to hit his carotid with a syringe full of air.
Juan Garcia: "You is a phony-baloney and I am going to kill you mother fucker. You hear me? Phony-baloney. And she is a whore and, bitch you is a whore too. You better give me some of that sandwich of hobo ham or I'm gonna bite you mister phony-baloney." (subject briefly lost consciousness) "Okay I am back and this time you had better be the real deal Holyfield or I am gonna bite you. This shit you gave me to drink, what is this, map juice? I juice a map out your head."
Mark and Gwendolyn Price: (Gwendolyn speaking) "Mark is hard as a rock from whatever was in that cup you gave him. Not only that but his entire torso is bleeding and I don't think I have seen anything hotter in my life. I just want to fill every one of his hot little holes with my love right now but he's pouring juice out of everywhere." (observation note: subject was super-secreting from all orifices) "I like that dance he is doing too, if I had a cock it would be rock hard right now."
Jenny Goldman: EXEMPT FROM THIS ROUND OF TESTING.
Mittens: "Don't you have Super Smash Brothers? That game is yifftastic! I like playing as Pikachu and fighting Link. Meow! That just makes my day." (observation: control group was threatened with stabbing and replied with something about macros and crushing but thankfully stopped talking and began pouting. Subject is noted as on thin ice and near homicide levels of annoyance)
Test Four: One Kitten and a Lot of Cat Turds
Testing was interrupted by the discovery that control group "Mittens" had discovered stuffed animals in the closet and had begun to hump them while the samples of cat shit were being prepared. "Mittens" was ejected from the third floor through an unopened window and testing continued as planned. The cat turds were placed into a cyclotron and separated into homogenous portions. The high density cat feces was left to dry and then inserted into tobacco cigarettes, one for each subject.
Halfway through the administering of the samples to the test subjects the laboratory subject named Juan Garcia began biting the unconscious Mark Price in the face. Mr. Price awoke and declared himself "rock hard" at which point he insisted that Mr. Garcia bite his scrotum while his wife performed sex acts on him with a water drill. Mr. Garcia declined by ramming his own face through drywall and electrocuting himself by biting through insulated wiring. His body hair caught on fire and Mr. and Mrs. Price were asked to leave when they began to lick his smoldering corpse.
Jenny Goldman assisted in the disposal of Mr. Garcia's remains by chopping his body into pieces so that they could be rendered unidentifiable in the industrial cyclotron. She was then given three Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and cab fair to her home which was said to be "in the big town."
This study, while inconclusive, was very personally rewarding as I finally had an excuse for getting started on that bathroom renovation I had been meaning to do. It is my hope in the future to spend more than an hour preparing my next scientific study and possibly avoid two counts of murder.
Insane Clown Posse Fans Are Not Pleased
The recent Truth Media review of Insane Clown Posse managed to get under the skin of more than a few fans of the hip-hop duo. To be exact more than 362 "Jugaboos" or whatever they call themselves wrote in enraged at the review, despite the fact that it clearly states in the Truth Media section that the reviews are fake. Not only did they write in angry, but the article circulated to a number of ICP news outlets, where it was presented as a real review and generated even more angry buzz. The hard-working Truth Media Editor has taken time away from reading death threat after death threat to compile and respond to the most idiotic e-mails this article has generated.
whoaever the fuck wrote that shit doesnt know shit. if you want to bash icp and make emenim look good than try uesing real informatiuon not bullshit you just made up why do you have to do that ill tell you because icp fuckin eat shit like eminem for breakfast. eminems a fuckin homo poof why else does he already make fun of them all the time? he just wont admit it and maybe you should admit the fact you just made shit up.
ICP ARE TRYING TO BE MAINSTRAEM? WHO HAD SO MANY FUCKIN #1s EMINEM!
HIS the one who sold out so fukin stop bashing icp and there production is fuckin excellent they could be #1 if they want but they wont fukin sell out or bertay their hardcorps roots like fuckin pop fags.
i guesss you dont get a lot of visitor because nobody would look at ur shit more than one time (somethingAWFUL all right!!!) so im going to warn you that if you ever post shitlike that again ESPESICLLY ABOUT ICP i will FUCKIN POST IT ON ALL THE BOARDS and yur gonna look fuckin stupid instead of me just telling you to shut the fuck up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hope you fuckin die
If you would like to read more extremely intelligent e-mails such as this then head on over and give the article a look. Or you can always just skim the e-mails and read the insulting responses to them, I wouldn't blame you, some of these psychotic morons wrote like five pages.