This horrible looking image of a robot would make a better politican than any human.As many of you know, particularly those of you who live in Allah's chosen country of America, yesterday was Election Day. All throughout the designated voting sanctuaries, concerned citizens (as in the elderly and people trying to impress the elderly) cast their ballots into the great voting void in hopes of building a better and more secure future. Just as the experts predicted, each race had one winner. There were of course no losers, because none live in America! Obviously this was one of the most important days in a long time, so Americans did their part and paid little or no attention. I myself was too busy to vote because I was arguing that my copy of "Spider-Man" on DVD was better than my friend's copy of the same movie in the same format. It turns out that the debate that I had was the perfect analogy for politics. If two things are the exact same, there is no way for one to be better than the other, unless it's my "Spider-Man" DVD and not yours. In the world of politics there are two opposing teams that basically take turns arguing back in fourth about bills they wrote that ban our nation's school children from practicing terror. For all intents and purposes, there is no discernable difference in these teams other than jersey color and mascot. If they're both the same, which one do you bother to vote for? It doesn't really matter, so you just don't vote.
Politics could be fun and exciting, though. Just as Pepsi has been made exciting by Pepsi Blue, Politics could be made exciting by killing everybody currently involved and substituting them with evil robots. I realize robots are my answer to every question, but I was just providing an example. As soon as you get somebody who breaks the mold of the typical politician, such as insane lunatic and former wrestler Jessie Ventura, you get people excited and interested in politics. Politics are a lot like crime these days, as people just look the other way and hope it doesn't involve them. That's definitely not the response we want. Politics should be something everyone can get excited about. With that in mind, please allow me to rock your world.
How to Improve Politics for the Benefit of All Mankind
Introduce a Robot Political Party
While both parties are already devoid of human life, an all robot party would add a lot to the political arena. Robots are designed to tell the truth, so you can trust them when they say they want to destroy all humanity, whereas the human candidate would only promise such things with no intention to deliver. Robots are big on education, logic games, and murdering people with lasers. Clearly, they're the ideal solution to the problem of boring politics.
Discuss the Really Important Issues
Every time a politician gets in front of the media, they immediately start blabbering on about how they're going to fix corruption, rebuild the community, or something equally pointless. The bottom line is that people don't give a shit about any of that. The world is a harsh mistress that would snap your neck off if she weren't just a gigantic, limbless mass floating through the cosmos. People don't want to be reminded of the hellhole they live in, they want an escape. The second you get a politician to announce that they're going to put a stop to time travelers and Trojan horse attacks, people are going to listen. Why? Because no one single politician is doing what's necessary and finally saying the things nobody dares to say. Sure, you might argue that sanity prevents them from saying those things, but since when has sanity done anything good?
More Swearing, Better Slogans
We all know the easiest route to getting heard is to sprinkle lots of sweet obscenities into your message. Now I don't care for foul language myself, but I always listen to anybody who uses a lot of it in their speaking. Without foul language, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to pay attention. Is the message really that important if it doesn't warrant a lot of swearing? Probably not. Foul language conveys importance and urgency, something lacking in the typical generic campaign and political speech.
Another area in need of repairs is that of the campaign slogan. Most slogans tend to be boring and uncreative things like "building a better tomorrow" or "putting the honesty back in politics." Nobody pays any attention to garbage like that. People like catchy slogans like "God's children ain't got no scabies" or "dealing a deadly hand." Slogans like that make people think about themselves and the person they're voting for, whereas the others reflect a lack of identity and individually on the part of the candidate.If this horse's head promised campaign financing reform and the destruction of the moon, I would insist that it ran for the office of the priesdent. And also give me a ride. Resurrect the Nazi Party
Nobody likes Nazis, because they represent all that which is wrong with the human race. So just imagine what would happen if a new Nazi party came to power in America and started training candidates to race in elections? Everybody would rush to vote against them. By introducing a new extreme into the environment, the previously bland and evil parties suddenly look like ideal choices. Then there is the whole matter of voting just to make sure the party that plans to send you to the gas chamber doesn't win any offices. Voila! Instant interest in the voting process!
Disco is never really going to come back until the least popular people embrace it, thusly taking it to a new level of uncool. Politicians are clearly the least popular people in the known universe, so they're the ideal choice. Once it achieves this higher echelon of uncool, it will end up becoming cool again, because irony is awesome, man! When all the young hipsters and huckleberries realize that politicians made disco cool, they will have more respect for politics. This is a win-win, since disco and politics are both not really at all great evils worthy of destroying. No sir!
Get Politicians Drunk, Ask Offensive Questions
One of the biggest problems with politics is that we only see what the political parties and politicians want us to see. The better, more efficient way of judging the character of a candidate would be to get them completely wasted and then proceed to ask them foul and offensive questions. I don't mean relevant questions, just dirty and obscene ones. All of this would be recorded, of course. Hopefully, the inebriation and vulgar line of questioning would lead to some real studies in character under pressure. The benefits: both fewer politicians and fewer politicians willing to do anything newsworthy. Let's face it, if the media had a videotape showcasing your drunken response to a question about tree humping, would you want to risk doing anything that might get their attention? Sure, you won't get anything done, but that at least means you won't get anything stupid done.
You might call me crazy for trying to improve politics. I realize a lot of you still believe that the system isn't broke, and maybe that's true. But I do know that society is broke, and you can't let a fixed system dictate to a broken populace. The important thing is to get people interested, inspired, and motivated to take an active role in the political process, and they won't until there is some excitement there. No one is really going to get enthused about another old white guy in a suit, not unless that old white guy rides around with a robot driving a monster truck. In other words, until there is change, there is going to be nothing worth paying attention to.
Ben "Greasling" Platt recently took a break from removing ant colonies from his inner thighs to review a movie so horrifically bad it tied for the worst possible rating achievable. "Nukie" is the name of the movie, and it looks to be about half as delightful as having a large wolverine crawl up your ass and explode.
The horror begins with a couple dumb click-n'-drag lens flares moving awkwardly in front of a outer space-themed clipart. It is the most visually appealing moment in the entire movie. I say "visually" because you still have to endure the voices of Nukie and Miko, two alien brothers who are traveling as balls of light. The voice acting is one of this movie's worst aspects, in that it not only made my ears bleed but it actually caused the rivulets of my blood to sprout ears and then made those ears bleed. Nukie and Miko have identical voices and they both sound like a retarded British orphan shouting into a tin can.
Obviously Ben subjected himself to some intense pain, so please read it so that he will not have suffered in vain.
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.