Adventures in the National Asset Database
The Department of Homeland Security released its list of nearly 8,000 sites within the United States it considers to be "National Assets." The list drew heavy fire from Republicans and Democrats alike, with states like California registering fewer sites than states like Iowa and Indiana. I have been able to obtain a copy of the list. In the interest of building understanding on the issue of national security, I would like to offer a selection of some of the sites as well as the reasoning behind their inclusion in the National Asset Database.
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The Statue of Liberty Location:New York, NY Reason for Inclusion: Destruction of monument would cause severe reduction in national liberty stockpiles. |
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Mount Rushmore Location:Black Hills, SD Reason for Inclusion: Increasingly unpatriotic mountains might rise up in the absence of this reminder of their masters. |
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Shaw County Pumpkin Daze Location:Sherry, MO Reason for Inclusion: Pumpkin Pageant may feature costumes irredeemably decadent to Islamic fundamentalists. |
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Golden Gate Bridge Location:San Francisco, CA Reason for Inclusion: Destruction of gate would allow homosexuals to escape the San Francisco peninsula. |
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Coolidge Street Donuts Location:Galveston, TX Reason for Inclusion: If destroyed would eliminate the world's only known source of the triple-fried bearclaw. |
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Foxxxy's Fuck Paradise Location:Wheeling, TN Reason for Inclusion: Basement contains fully-stocked civil defense shelter. Very fully-stocked. |
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Wawa Location:Green Lake, PA Reason for Inclusion: Green Lake area stoner's only source of 10-inch cheesesteak without driving like 20 minutes, man. |
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World's Largest Christ Location:Monroe, OH Reason for Inclusion: Destruction may cause God to revoke blessing of America and render Ohio no longer able to frighten away travellers with giant foam Jesus scarecrow. |
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The Pentagon Location:Washington, DC Reason for Inclusion: Severe damage capable of disrupting pentagram used to conjure demons during End Times attack on United States. |
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Play and Learn Petting Zoo Location:Louisville, KY Reason for Inclusion: Death of large goat population could cause tin cans and old shoes to overflow American landfills and choke thoroughfares. |
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SUPERFLAG Location:Varies (Available for Event Rental) Reason for Inclusion: Destruction of world's largest flag immediately shifts title to MEGAFLAG in Ireland, rendering the United States the world's second most patriotic nation. |
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Oinker Acres Hog Factory Location:Bedwell, UT Reason for Inclusion: Fire bomb attack might ignite adjacent 19 mile long lake of hog excrement. |
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New York, New York Hotel and Casino Location:Las Vegas, NV Reason for Inclusion: Highly vulnerable to an attack by a couple of drunk Arab guys that have hijacked a small airplane that is made out of foam and painted to look like a jet liner. Also contains backup NYPD crisis center in the event the real New York is destroyed. |
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Dunham's Pretty Pawsome Pet Pageant Location:Dunham, RI Reason for Inclusion: Principled people perfectly protect priceless pusses proclaimed pulchritudinous. |
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Aegis Biological Weapons Laboratory Location:Thick Pole, MN Reason for Inclusion: Ultra AIDS not quite ready to be released into nation's water supply. |
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Space Needle Location:Seattle, WA Reason for Inclusion: Destruction will force invading UFOs to fly all the way to the CN Tower for tourist pictures of earth, and those just won't be the same. |
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Yellowstone National Park Location:Idaho, Montana, Wyoming Reason for Inclusion: Without Yellowstone nation would no longer have a reason to go to Idaho, Montana or Wyoming. |
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Starbucks Store #244553 Location:Worthington, NJ Reason for Inclusion: The loss of a single Starbucks might unbalance the theoretical Starbucks-Wal*Mart constant, causing a retail flux that would devastate space and time. Unless one brave soul can build a Krispy Kreme to replace it in time... |
After all that, I hope you can understand why Georgia's 475 boiled peanut stands are worth protecting from terrorists.
Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ri- |
Hello? Yes, this is Mrs. Plugsly speaking, what can I do for you? Oh, my, Zack is coming out with a book in just a few weeks. That is wonderful. If only there were some way for me to get information about- What's that? There's a mailing list I can sign up for? But wait a second, I already signed up for the mailing list almost a year ago. You mean it all got deleted because Radium is a big stupid face? Oh, excuse me for a moment...I feel like I might throw up...like I'm going to... BLAAARARARAGHHGHGGHGHH!  Oh my, I just puked up the book's cover. How amazing is that? Deary me, I'll sign up immediately because it only takes seconds and MY TANK IS FIGHT!, a fun and funny collection of incredible inventions from WWII, will be released at the beginning of October! |
Also, head over to Ninja Burger because I've known the guy there since like 1998, he's super nice and a new edition of his book was just released.
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