Cleaning Up Al-Qaida
These men support terrorism by dealing drugs and driving SUVS. Just kidding - they murder people!
The global war against terrorism - also known as USA versus the entire world - isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Still, it won't last forever. Before long the diligent men, women, and children who have dedicated their lives to destroying America and other members of the Western Devils and Zionist Powers super groups will be needing a new source of income and inspiration. There are a number of possibilities for Al-Qaida to pursue, so their future is far from a post-Jihad wasteland bleak in both hope and quality living. If America's history of sound Middle East foreign policy has taught us one thing, it's that if Al-Qaida waits patiently and doesn't kill any more Americans than absolutely necessary, they have a pretty good shot at becoming future US allies. Now that won't be easy, as they stung us pretty bad, but it's certainly not impossible. All they have to do is prove themselves to either be trustworthy and truly sorry, or the enemy of whoever the next big Middle East dictator to piss us of is. If I know my Nostradamus, which I don't, it will probably be somebody pretty wicked who has the ability to rain fire from the sky and black out the moon with ash and soot. I don't mean to read between the lines of my own inaccurate words here, but the next scourge of the free world will either be a level 30 wizard with a Staff of the Apocalypse or somebody with access to weapons of mass destruction. If Al-Qaida aligns itself against this forthcoming mage of the terrorist arts, they will look like pretty spiffy allies when it comes time to defend democracy where it's not wanted. Then again, they may just seek to redeem themselves with honest work.
Assuming they go the route of hard work and fiscal responsibility, I've taken the time to come up with some potential possibilities for the entire Al-Qaida workforce. Let's face it, a group of people that motivated and that willing to die for an insane cause would probably do pretty good at anything they put their minds to. You may note that I'm talking about the members of Al-Qaida as a whole, and that's because I've seen too many made-for-TV movies where orphaned siblings are separated and forced to live with different mommies and daddies. That kind of stuff just colonoscopes my heart, mostly because I wish they would put something better on worth watching. That, and there seems to be a certain synergy between the various cells and members of the Al-Qaida terror machine that shouldn't be tampered with.
Al-Qaida Express Dry Cleaning
Imagine if you will the most organized and systematic dry cleaning franchise possible. It would be spread throughout the land, with convenient locations distributed in areas of vital significance, such as near or in soft target shopping centers or close to residential districts and hospitals. The company as a whole would be highly decentralized, and each individual storefront would be capable of operating in the event of a regional catastrophe or crisis. In addition, underground supply lines would be able to ensure that each establishment is properly supplied with the latest anti-stain weapons and munitions. Customers can rest comfortably knowing that any garment they bring in will be put through a rigorous jihad of cleanliness. Special operatives will employ the latest in chemical and biological stain fighting agents leaving no trace of unwanted spot incursion. This is one dry cleaning conglomerate that will stab into the black heart of the infidel's filthy clothing and cleanse it in the name of mighty Allah. Welcome to the new age of asymmetrical stain fighting warfare.
Recording Industry Association of America Anti-Piracy Enforcement Agency
Everybody knows that the RIAA is having one hell of a time trying to round up all the scurvy Internet seadogs downloading illegal copies of Celine Dion's latest piece of shit attempt at singing. All their efforts, no matter how noble and courageous they are, fail miserably because people just don't want to spend money when thieving is just as easy. In fact, it's easier. Rather than adjust and adapt to this change in consumer spending habits, it's more easy to fight a bloody and hopeless war. It just so happens our friends at Al-Qaida have a lot of experience in this particular line of work, and would probably be glad to align themselves with a rascally organization like the RIAA. With a little corporate sponsorship, Al-Qaida could quickly become the premiere anti-piracy fighting force, tracking down illegal song swappers at their homes and killing them like the bastards they are. Hey asshole, you have to pay for those Eminem MP3s you downloaded, or else! Should you manage to survive the suicide bombers and trained assassins, you'll still have to contend with an army of lawyers eager to shoot legal laser beams into your most tender regions, in particular that flashing red spot on your chest you leave vulnerable during your repetitious movement patterns of attack, attack, laugh, attack, recharge. In the end, the RIAA will restore its tarnished reputation and exploited music artists will finally be treated to an all-you-can-eat meal at the Justice Buffet.
Dine, Infidel! Family Pizzerias
Stop in for delicious pizza and a truly unique dining environment!
If there is a dirge of one thing in this world, that one thing has got to be quality family pizzerias. I don't know about you, but most pizza joints I go to seem to cook their pizzas in the ass of a dead rhinoceros. Good taste is something that just doesn't seem to be able to survive a proverbial rhino ass oven. That's where Al-Qaida can make a difference. These people are absolutely fanatical about their cause, and that's something you don't see a lot of when it comes to pizzeria employees. For every unsatisfied customer, an employee's child will be murdered in the floor of the restaurant while you dine. The deliciousness of your pizza is ensured in the blood of Allah's children, and that's a covenant you can really sink your teeth into. The only drawback is the lack of sausage and pepperoni, but pork isn't very healthy anyway. The thick crust of the intifada will overpower the thin crust of the western Zionist pigs, and the cheese of victory will cover the bloodied like dirt. The prices aren't are bad either!
Al-Qaida's options are far from limited to these exciting possibilities, but really, it's highly unlikely that they will even pursue a decent and respectable path. I've always been an optimist and something of a loose cannon career counselor who doesn't play by the rules, so I remain hopeful that they will follow my advice and clean up their act. Terror can't last forever, especially when it stops becoming terrifying, so the longer they stay in the game the harder it will be to learn a new skill.
After a brief absence from the movie reviewing game, I, Ben "Greasnin" Platt, have returned! You know, with a movie review. This time around, I took a look at "Bad Magic," a new one from the diabolical team of Mark and John Polonia. The Polonia Brothers are the record holders for most movies reviewed on Something Awful, and for that distinction, they have my undying hatred. I hated this movie so much.
Most of the movies reviewed on Something Awful have a wonderful, if brief period of doubt where I get the simple pleasure of saying, "Hey, this isn't too bad, at least so far." Not so with "Bad Magic." This one rockets the audience right into a realm of unfathomable stupidity from the very first line. The movie begins with indescribably shitty narration, courtesy of our protagonist, Renny. At the risk of appearing racist, Renny is the reason that black people have had to struggle for equality for so many years. Evidently no one told him that he's allowed to use the entire alphabet on film, as his speech is generally confined to about twelve letters. It's fairly obvious that he's reading from his script as he stutters about voodoo and devil worshipping, which makes it even more embarrassing when he loses his place.