Save the best devastation footage from prime time!There are maybe a dozen Americans right now who aren't in their innermost thoughts salivating at the soon-to-be-live war in Iraq. What exciting name will our government give this great patriotic crusade for freedom and democracy? What will CNN call their war coverage? Showdown in the Gulf? Crisis in the Gulf? War in the Gulf? These questions are in the hearts and minds of the American populace, not some pitiful attempts by filthy pacifists around the world to keep us from exerting our God-given right to grind other nations into ash beneath a satellite guided boot. In all seriousness Lowtax and I are both pretty moderate, with me falling to the left and him falling to the right. I don't know about him but I think this war is hideously ill-timed, all the same my war-fetishist is excited at the prospect of seeing all new footage of buildings blowing up and tracers arcing into the sky at our aircraft, as likely to shoot them down as mailing letters to the DoD that read "Please crash your planes into the ground outside Baghdad".
While most are optimistic that our futuristic military will make short work of the Iraqi armed forces, I have more than a few misgivings that thousands of our soldiers are going to lose their lives. Let's not get ridiculous here; the Iraqis have about as enduring a reputation of military prominence as the French. This won't be another Vietnam, but anyone who has experienced the hell of urban combat will likely tell you that even a high-tech military is bound to get their nose bloodied a few times. Sure, in a decade or so we could just drop a couple thousand spider-legged kill droids into Iraq and have them inject acid into the skulls of Baghdad's soldiers and officials. Until we can exert the dread influence of the Decepticons we have to rely on flesh-and-blood soldiers to go in there and fight their way to the objective.
Being a die-hard supporter of the military if not the politics that often put it into action I have taken it upon myself to consult the United States armed forces for some of their inside strategies for the upcoming campaign against Iraq. Seeing as how I wrote those two articles about weird Nazi shit they immediately handed over dozens of highly classified documents for me to review. I promised I wouldn't ever tell anyone about them, but I am horrible at keeping secrets and I just have to spill the beans on some of these faboo plans that the Pentagon has for the invasion. Submitted for the review of all of you armchair generals out there are four of the hottest, sauciest, and downright naughtiest plans for the invasion. You won't be finding these plans on FARK, CNN, or Fox News, because only we here at Something Awful have the connections inside the Pentagon to really get the scoop.
Operation: Fifty Legions of SardaukarLong live the fighters!Operational Plan: Deep beneath the shifting sands of Iraq glide the gargantuan sandworms which protect the spice that so compels the great houses of the landsraad to battle for control of the Gulf region. Without this life-prolonging substance all travel throughout the world would grind to a halt and whichever nation controls the spice so controls the universe! For the good of the United States the spice must flow, and so Emperor George W. Bush the second has provided fifty legions of his Sardaukar terror troops to occupy the spice rich Iraqi capital of Irraqeen. Bush and his generals have dismissed the threat of various nomadic tribesmen spotted by mercenaries in the deep desert and know that if they destroy Seitch Baghdad that all resistance in the region will collapse. No expense will be spared in ensuring the security of International spice mining operations and if necessary the Emperor is prepared to authorize a campaign of genocide; the extermination of all life in the Gulf region.
Possible Threats: The Emperor may have dismissed the nomadic tribes of so-called "Fremen" in the region as little more than a nuisance, but many military analysts predict their numbers to be much greater than those recorded in a cursory Imperial census. A few CIA reports circulating even hint that these desert dwellers are capable of riding on sandworms, which they refer to as "The Maker". If the Fremen opposition were to materialize in large numbers and mounted on the backs of those creatures they might seriously disrupt spicing in the region. While the Emperor arrogantly believes that his forces can shelter behind the massive rock of the Shield Wall it is rumored that a rogue house might provide the Fremen with atomics. With such terrible weapons, or possibly through the interaction of a las gun and a Holtzman shield, the Fremen could blast a hole in the Shield Wall and they and their hideous sandworms could annihilate the Emperor's forces. If the International Auto Industry Guild feels that the flow of spice for their SUVs is in danger of being cut off they will force the Emperor to concede defeat and deal instead with the Fremen.
Estimated Casualties: Imperial strategists estimate minimal casualties among the Sardaukar troops and allied forces of Baron Tony Blair and House United Kingdom. However, many independent observers suspect that tens of thousands of Sardaukar and all of the forces of House United Kingdom could be neutralized in a protracted campaign of guerilla warfare.
Operation: Beach Blanket MassacreYa'll gonna make me ac' a fool, up in here!Operational Plan: Arab cultures are often considered overly conservative by Western standards. The women are usually forced to wear restrictive garments that cover their entire body, the men are usually almost as reserved with their feelings, and dance contests are banned throughout the county. Despite this not even a fundamentalist Islamic upbringing or an oppressive secular regime like Iraq has can quench the thirst in the human soul for a good beach party. Relying on this fundamental human need, the United States will deploy its elite Delta Force disguised as the hottest rump-shaking babes in thongs this side of Miami into the Gulf region. Just inside the Iraqi border they will gather to have the biggest beach party in recorded history. Five DJs, sponsors ranging from Motorola to Molson, hundreds of bodacious babes, rap stars Nelly, Lil' Romeo, Lil' Kim, Lil' Lil, and Reall' Lil' Pete, and a state of the art wave machine will be just a few of the hot attractions. The Iraqi armed forces will have no choice but to lay down their weapons and get jiggy, only to be brutally gunned down by Delta Force snipers.
Possible Threats: None. This is the soundest plan ever developed by military strategists.
Estimated Casualties: Hundreds or even thousands of Iraqi soldiers will either by killed or captured and rapper Nelly will probably be shot in what a military tribunal calls a "tragic friendly fire accident".
Operation: Desert Shiv
Operational Plan: In a rare move that combines foreign, military, and domestic policy, president Bush plans to solve the problem of Saddam Hussein and the problem of prison overcrowding simultaneously. During the Gulf War in 1991 we roundly crushed the Iraqi military every time we ran into them. Our weapons, our troops, and our training were all years ahead of what Iraq could field and since that war the gap has only widened. However, waging a way is an extremely expensive endeavor, requiring the expenditure of billions of dollars in fuel and ordinance. Operation: Desert Shiv will reduce these costs by transporting 500,000 convicted felons serving time in prison to Iraq, arming them with crudely fashioned shivs, and sending them against the Iraqi military en masse. Casualties are expected to be high, but felons can't vote in many states so they're certainly no good to George W. Plus if a few thousand of them die in the process of crushing the pitiful Iraqi military then maybe those peace-loving faggots will finally shut up about how one American dies for every 500 or more of the enemy killed in combat.
Possible Threats: The greatest threats to the United States from this plan are the prisoners themselves. Many long-term inmates have sought spiritual guidance in the teachings of Islam and they may simply run away to join Al-Qaeda. Naturally a massive land invasion of an Arab country is going to strengthen terrorist groups in a major way no matter what, so a few hundred stupid Americans make no difference. A greater threat is that the prisoners, instead of charging forward to pillage Baghdad, will start killing and raping each other as soon as they are armed.
Estimated Casualties: Casualties are estimated at 70,000 to 200,000 prison inmates and 100,000 to 250,000 Iraqi men, women, and children.
Operation: WinnukeWatch out for Korea!Operational Plan: One of the most vulnerable areas of Iraq is its weak technological infrastructure. Still largely in a state of disorder from the constant US and British bombing campaign against Iraqi communications centers, the Iraqi computer network is vulnerable to attack. One US plan calls for a multi-phase operation conducted largely within the framework of the recently unveiled International Community Messenger. This computer system allows world leaders to communicate one-on-one over the Internet. Phase one of the operation will involve a coordinated effort by George W. Bush to get all of the world leaders supporting a war against Iraq online at the same time. He will tell them all to start innocuous conversations with Iraq and that when they see the warning level of Iraq rising on their contact list they are to begin warning Iraq until the nation is logged out of the Messenger service. If executed properly phase one will prevent Iraq from rallying sympathetic nations to its cause after phase two has struck.
Phase two will begin with the United States beginning a conversation with Iraq over trivial things. At some point during the conversation the US will send Iraq a seemingly harmless video file that actually contains an annoying virus script that will deadlock the Iraqi computer system, making it both difficult and embarrassing to use. As mentioned, before Iraq can retaliate or request aid allies of the United States will warn Iraq until it is temporarily banned from the service. To help you better understand how this operation will go down we have modeled it using advanced computer technology called "Microsoft Notepad".US_of_A[NATO] Hey d00d, what's up?After this Iraq's computer and communication infrastructure will be isolated from the world community and Iraq will be vulnerable to further offensive operations.
_+Iraq[AoE]+_ not 2 much fag
_+Iraq[AoE]+_ u got the UN resolution u want me to sign lol
US_of_A[NATO] yeah man, check this out 1st, it's a krad video of this crazy Koreen kids dancing
US_of_A[NATO] wants to send you the file Dance_Routine(Funny!).wmv.vbs.
_+Iraq[AoE]+_ ok its downloadin
US_of_A[NATO] cool when its done run it
_+Iraq[AoE]+_ WTF its opening gay pron popups
You have warned the user US_of_A[NATO]
You have been warned by the user US_of_A[NATO] Warning Level is 10%
You have been warned by the user UK[NATO] Warning Level is 25%
You have been warned by the user Spizzain[NATO] Warning Level is 50%
You have been warned by the user iTaLy[NATO] Warning Level is 75%
You have been warned by the user Canada[420TreesHitter][NATO] Warning Level is 100%
***You are being temporarily logged out of International Community Messenger***
Possible Threats: North Korea is constantly online and attempting to send the United States viruses through ICM. Technical specialists are usually able to persuade to the president not to open "Sexyjapaneselass_Vs_Playboy.scr". However, President Bush has already infected some 400 government computers with various e-mail and ICM viruses, and if alone may do so again. In the right North Korean hands this could compromise the security of the entire operation.
Estimated Casualties: Pretty much everyone in Iraq's tech-sector is expected to be summarily executed by Saddam if this plan works. Other than that no casualties are expected.
I'm really hoping that we can get this thing going before March sweeps starts. I don't want to be stuck watching crap like "Will and Grace", I want to tune in to some nice wholesome live footage of humans being shredded by fragmentation bombs. Oh yes, deploy those fuel-air bombs, use a zoom lens so I can see their lungs rupture from the overpressure. Go for something artsy composition wise like a close-up of the glassy eyes in a severed head reflecting a burning bunker in the cool desert night. RADICAL DUDES!
Strange things are happening throughout the world and even history, but don't worry, it's just those wacky SA Forum Goons and Josh "Load Stuck" Boruff with a new installment of Photoshop Phriday! This weeks theme is to import the paranormal into the normal. Check it, yo!
The power of Christ compels you to immediately go and look at this! Go now! Christ is getting angry!
The ocean is full of the stuff of nightmares and, no thanks to all that water, you can't even kill it with fire.
You Will Read This Headline. Then You'll Laugh. Then You'll Realize You Were Wrong All Along.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.