A Completely Awful Breakfast
As many of you may know, I'm a big neo-revolutionary breakfast cereal mentality supporter, following in the footsteps of such philosophers as Professor Baron Von Mancock and Dr. Karl Malone. I feel that our society, as a whole, has embraced antiquated and outdated ideas of what breakfast "should be" for far too long now. Let's face it; we're living in a fast-paced, exciting, nonstop new world which includes high-tech things like the Internet, electric scooters, and battered women. Shouldn't our breakfast cereal mature and advance with our culture as well? Why should we be standing by and encouraging the old ideals of breakfast cereals which date back to the 1940s when we can instead advance forward in maturity, seamlessly progressing with technology? Let's put all those scientific microchips and floppy disks to use by creating wonderful new high-tech cereals which appeal to this generation of kids and old people who have the brain-damaged minds of kids. We need a cereal which doesn't only provide a fulfilling breakfast experience, but also takes the place of at least six other major meals throughout the day. Since I was unable to find any cereals which had both toasted oats and delightful chipped beef, I discovered the next best thing: three cereals which not only serve as a pseudo-complete breakfast, but could also take the place of each and every dessert required within a two-week radius. In this exciting episode of "A Completely Awful Breakfast," I will compare and contrast three winners of the "cereals which prove that chocolate should probably not be the crux of a well-balanced breakfast" award: Quaker Oats' Cap'n Crunch's OOPS! Choco Donuts, Kellogg's SMORZ, and Kellogg's Disney Chocolate Mud & Bugs.
Quaker Oats' Cap'n Crunch's OOPS! Choco Donuts
I think it's painfully obvious the dear Cap'n has an addiction to uppers.
An Overview: The ol' Cap'n has been very busy in the last decade or so, pumping out hundreds of variations on his award-winning cereal which is not only shaped like a barrel, but tastes like one as well. His bouquet of bountiful flavors ranks somewhere in the millions now, and if grocery stores were to attempt to carry every permutation of the Cap'n Crunch brand, they'd probably go broke before the manager had a chance to call them fucking dumbasses for attempting to corner the market on shitty cereals. The local grocery store was selling the following brands of Cap'n Crunch breakfast cereals:
Cap'n Crunch (original)
Cap'n Crunch's Crunchberries
Cap'n Crunch's Peanut Butter Crunch
Cap'n Crunch's Go-Wild Berries
Cap'n Crunch's Gaping Open Wound Berries
Cap'n Crunch's Morning Suppository Crunch Buffet
Cap'n Crunch's Cap'n Morgan's Liquorberries
Cap'n Crunch's Boot N' Scurvy Delight
Cap'n Crunch's Five-Dollar Hooker Surprise
In addition to these fun and festive flavors, Quaker Oats is producing a limited-run series of "Cap'n Crunch's OOPS! Choco Donuts," which have cleverly substituted an image of a donut where the letter "O" in "DONUT" should be. That's one of those ingenious marketing strategies that we human beings couldn't even begin to possibly comprehend even if we used 100% of our total brainpower. However, the o-donut replacement works flawlessly, as can be seen in this dramatic reenactment of what happened in my brain when I was visiting the store:
ME: "Hmmm, I need to buy a chocolate cereal, but I don't know which one to purchase. What should I do?"
RIGHT SIDE OF MY BRAIN: "Woooah there, looky at that! Choco Donuts! The 'O' is a graphical representation of the aforementioned chocolate donut! This appeals to me on many unique levels! Buy that! Buy that! Buy that!"
LEFT SIDE OF MY BRAIN: "While that small chocolate donut drawing replacing the 'O' is indeed nice, I think we should instead take a big steaming dump right here in the middle of the store! It's the logical thing to do."
RIGHT SIDE OF MY BRAIN: "No! No dumping! Choco Donuts! Choco Donuts!"
LEFT SIDE OF MY BRAIN: "Shut up you! We're going to pull down our pants and just shit all over the place now. This is going to be great, you just watch. You'll thank me for this later, right side."
RIGHT SIDE OF MY BRAIN: "No dumping! No dumping! Choco Donuts!"
ME: "I think I'll purchase these Quaker Oats' Cap'n Crunch's OOPS! Choco Donuts."
RIGHT SIDE OF MY BRAIN: "HOORAY!!!"
ME: "Then I'll piss on the cashier."
LEFT SIDE OF MY BRAIN: "HOORAY!!!"
Description: As previously mentioned, Choco Donuts comes in a highly exciting package which features a donut in place of the letter "O". The Cap'n is displayed with his familiar vapid, insane, open-mouthed smile plastered across his face, pointing furiously at a bowl of Choco Donuts while two horrendously ugly children parade around in the background. According to the box, these creatures are supposedly from a show called "Rugrats Go Wild," which I assume is like those "Girls Gone Wild" videos that are sold during the commercials of "The Jerry Springer Show" and feature grown women getting naked and beating each other with rotary phones. There are two freakishly nauseating mutant spawn on the box, one of which looks like a 40-pound fetus undergoing chemotherapy and wearing an adult diaper, and the other resembling a monkey-human hybrid who has suffered buckshot wounds to her face and has Cthulu-esque tentacles protruding from her greasy orange eggplant skull. If that doesn't sell a breakfast cereal, I don't know what would. The box also demanded I "SEE THE MOVIE!", but I refused to do that on the grounds that it would require me to go out and possibly risk speaking to other human beings in public.
Exciting Nutritional Facts: There aren't any marshmallows or animal-shaped objects in this cereal. I assume this was an oversight on somebody's part at the Quaker Oats factory.
The Taste Experience: Choco Donuts taste like hundreds of tiny, crunchy cigarette butts marinated overnight in authentic New Jersey alleyway cardboard juices. I can't stress exactly how unremarkable this cereal tastes; it's like going to one of those local microbreweries and tasting a pale ale whose taste completely vanishes from your mouth the second you drink it. This lack of flavor makes you think you never had anything to drink in the first place, so you continually pound back beer after beer after beer until you reach a point where you've suddenly got flavor in your mouth, but it's rapidly coming up from your stomach and traveling in the wrong direction through your body. Choco Donuts probably won't make you throw up (unless you actually eat them), but they do taste like an absolutely boring compressed wad of unflavored, crunchy air. The tiny sprinkles on top are probably the most remarkable feature of this cereal, and that's not really saying much since they look like multicolored dandruff flakes which fell off some slackjawed, greasy blob of white trash manning the Choco Donuts assembly line while thinking about which of her 17 grubby kids is scheduled to buy her a carton of Marlboro Lights for the day.
The Good: The cereal only has 10 fat calories, as opposed to 10,000,000, which is an awful lot. Additionally, I did not find myself wanting to stab my throat after eating these, as the taste was completely gone in a matter of mere nanoseconds.
The Bad: Eating brown-colored paper and cardboard bits is probably much more economical and healthier for your digestive system, and it will additionally make those PETA people who dress up in furry costumes and pretend they're being killed by Uncle Sam happy. Also, I did not win the "Nickelodeon Rugrats Go Wild Island Getaway Sweepstakes" contest advertised on the back, which is probably for the better because if I saw those ass-ugly kids in the wild, I'd stab a spear through their heads and call a priest to exorcise the island.
Rating: 3 / 5
While I must congratulate all three cereals for tasting like utter ass, I must admit that my highly developed and picky taste buds have determined that modern science does not yet possess the technology to accurately produce a chocolate flavored cereal which does not make you pray for death upon tasting it. I guess my neo-revolutionary breakfast cereal mentality must stay at bay until Kellogg's finds a way to successfully turn "choco-beef" into a decent early morning treat.
Zack "Glizzle Edidizzle" Parsons here with a smoking new Hentai Game Review for a little torture device entitled "LoveLoveShow!". It's a wonderful game where you do puzzles to see banana rapes and then you try to slit your wrists with broken glass.Go and sharemy suffering with this review!
This sounds deceptively non-horrible to those few of you in the audience who have endured as many "look and think" games as I have. Yet for all their stupid simplicity those games have never made me want to throw my computer monitor off of a cliff and then chase it down to my screaming, cursing death on the rocks below. "LoveLoveShow!" managed to accomplish this and so much more with the vast - I use the term with such venomous sarcasm that I'm actually pointing out I'm being sarcastic - number of enjoyable puzzles you can play to view cat women being raped with bananas.