Once upon a time, inside a computer, there was a guy named Neo. He was just a regular guy who had his brain plugged into a giant computer by the robots that ruled over mankind. The robot's giant computer made people think that they were living normal lives when they were really living future lives inside of red pods. The robots used these pods to power their factories to make robots because humans had put so much smoke in the sky that their solar power didn't work anymore and also I guess neither did most other sources of electricity. Neo did not know that he was in a future pod he thought he worked for a computer company and his name was Mister Anderson.
One night a woman who looked like a boy with tits was running around kicking police officers. Then some other guys in business suits showed up and they were scary to her so she started running. She ran really fast and jumped really far but she was having trouble escaping. She ran to a phone booth and one of the businessmen got in a truck and ran it into the phone booth but there was this weird sound on the phone and she disappeared.
Meanwhile, Neo was asleep and he got an email from his computer about Alice in Wonderland that also told him to wake up and he did. He talked to some druggies and then he went to work. When Neo was at work he got a phone call from a guy named Morpheus who said that there are bad guys looking for him. It was the businessmen! Neo ran out on the side of the building and dropped his phone. Then the businessmen talked to him at the business station. When Neo got sassy they made his mouth disappear and then put a bug in his stomach! He woke up and did not know what to think.
Neo went to a club where they played White Zombie and he started talking to the girl who looked like a boy and her name was Trinity. She invited him to go for a ride in her car and then inside the car there were a lot of people who all looked like bad fashion models. Cowboy Curtis was there only he looked scary instead of funny. One of the other people put a machine on Neo's tummy and they could see the bug inside him! Then they used the machine to take the bug out and they threw it out the car window.
Cowboy Curtis, who was codenamed Morpheus, took Neo to his house and they sat in big chairs and talked about stuff. Morpheus offered Neo some drugs and Neo took a pill and started freaking out. Then Neo appeared in his red pod and was naked and had plugs in him! Neo got flushed down a future toilet and into a river and then Morpheus and his friends came and saved Neo in their spaceship. They gave Neo some clothes to wear but he was really scared because he wasn't used to being in the future.
Then an octopus came looking for them but they got away.
Once Neo was feeling better about being in the future Morpheus decided to tell him about what was happening. Morpheus told him all about how humans fought a big war with the robots and the robots won. Then Morpheus explained how in the computer reality a person in the know could do whatever they wanted with some practice and software or whatever. So Morpheus was like "let's fight, bro" and Neo and Morpheus reappear in a karate dojo wearing karate suits. Then they started fighting and it was super fast and Morpheus was impressed with Neo but he still isn't living up to his potential. Morpheus goes "is that air you're breath? Hmph" and suddenly Neo gets it.
Morpheus also told Neo that the businessmen are called agents and no they don't sell insurance they sell deadly punches and bullets! They are computer programs who police the people but the police in the computer are people so try not to hurt them but the agents can jump into any person so even a policeman who is a person might turn into an agent who is a computer program. There is also this place called Zion which is where the people who escaped the computer live. The agents want to shut Zion down because it is bad for business.
There was also this other guy on the spaceship named Cipher and he was a bald guy with a goatee and was obviously evil. It turned out he was good friends with the head agent who was named agent Smith and they go out on a play date in the computer. The agent promised that if Cipher could give him the codes for Zion he would let Cipher back into the computer and make him somebody famous like the president
The next day or whatever Morpheus and the gang went back into the computer with Neo so that he could see the Oracle. Morpheus thought that Neo was "The One" who will have super powers and be able to finally beat the robots. Neo went to see the Oracle and she was a sassy old black woman baking cookies and she was the only person in the entire computer who was not dressed in a 10,000 dollar suit. She said some bullshit like "no, you aren't The One even though Neo is an anagram for 'one' and everyone believes in you and the movie is obviously about you." This was apparently exactly what The Neo needed to hear to turn his letters around.
Morpheus and the gang started to go back to their special telephone but it turned out it was a trap. All of these agents started coming out of the woodwork and Morpheus had to jump out of a wall and start fighting them. Pretty much all of the other worthless people died in the fight. Neo and Trinity managed to escape back to the ship after a pretty cool fight in a subway with agent Smith but Morpheus was captured by the agents.
Back on the ship Cipher was shooting lightning around and killing the black crewmen. They all died but Cipher got killed by Neo who was tired of his rude behavior. Oh wait, one of the black guys did not die and he tried to argue with Neo and Trinity not to go back in and try to save Morpheus but they wouldn't hear of it.
Neo went "I need lots of guns" and then all of these racks of guns appeared really fast and he and Trinity started equipping guns into their inventory. Neo tried to convince Trinity not to go but she knew Morpheus better than he did so that was a silly thing to say. Neo and Trinity then went back into the computer with all of their guns and their vinyl suits and trenchcoats and bombs.
Neo and Trinity walked into the lobby of the agent's HQ and the metal detector went off. Then Neo totally started shooting guns and doing cartwheels and he and Trinity together shot like 50 cops to death. Remember those were regular people so that's pretty mean in my humble opinion. Back up in the top of the HQ building the agents were interrogating Morpheus and agent Smith talked about how much people stink. "You guys stink like butts," he said. "I hate your butts."
Neo and Trinity went up to the very top of the building and started fighting some more cops. Some of the cops turned into agents and Neo managed to dodge their bullets because he was starting to become The One. Trinity shot one in the head and said "dodge that" and he fell dead but then turned back into the dead person he was inside of like when you kill a werewolf how they always turn back into a person. Neo and Trinity got into a helicopter and flew down to the level that Morpheus was on. The helicopter had a machinegun that shot so fast the agents could not dodge it so Morpheus got away and jumped and they caught him and escaped.
Morpheus and Trinity managed to get back to a special phone so they could get out of the computer. Neo got in a big chase with the agents and especially agent Smith. Agent Smith cornered Neo in an old apartment building and shot him and Neo died.
Then Trinity kissed Neo and he came back to life only he had special powers and was glowing blue. Agent Smith and the other agents looked worried when they saw Neo get up and they said "what? He just got shot how could he be back?"
Neo could see the computer codes and he could manipulate it. He took off his energy disc and he hurled it down the hallway and it knocked all of the agent's bullets out of the sky. Then Neo threw the disc again and derezzed two of the agents. Agent Smith turned to try to run away but Neo jumped into his guts! Agent Smith started bending and getting fat and then he exploded and his guts went everywhere!
The next day Neo called the computer and said that he was going to bust it up. Then he hung up the phone and jumped into the sky like Superman. Then Rage Against the Machine started playing.
That was pretty much the end of the story but then the brothers who made up The Matrix made five more hours of story that are meaningless. You can watch them if you want to.
I have added your daily allowance of dirt to this update, so if you are inclined to read some more of my babbling then go check it out.
Anton Chekhov's famous gun rule is not being followed by some lazy screen writers for the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
Something Awful reviews the latest indie sensation that everyone says is good so of course it is.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.