A Day in the Life of a First Person Shooter Hero
Jake Snapshot was a man like you or I. He was a man with responsibilities and obligations to his friends and loved ones, with too much to do and not enough time to get it all done in. Jake Snapshot had a beautiful girlfriend, a modest but pleasant apartment in the suburbs, and a good buddy from the office. The difference between Jack Snapshot and you is that Jake Snapshot is a hero in a First Person Shooter, and this is his journal in his own words.
Alarm went off. Attempted to hit the snooze button but was not able to from bed. Got up and strafed until I was directly in front of the alarm and then acted. Snooze button activated.
Waking up with some Tai Chi is how I prefer to start my day, but there isn't always time.
Alarm went off again. Got up, sprinted into the shower, and acted. The shower turned on and water phased through my chest for several seconds. Looked at myself in the mirror and jumped up and down several times. Am I losing weight? No time for that.
Sprinted into the bedroom and decided to wear my mega armor to work. It had respawned on top of the dresser. I repeatedly ran at the dresser trying to get dressed but the mega armor was not cooperating. Decided to jump on the bed and from there to the dresser but the low ceiling prevented me. Then I realized I could crouch and jump simultaneously and I managed to get on top of the dresser. Armor Level was raised to 200%.
Phone began ringing so I used the phone. Two weird black bars closed in from the top and the bottom of my vision and my perspective was wrenched out of my body. My boss at the office was screaming at me that two people had called in sick and I needed to hurry in and finish preparing the IT report for the Thursday planning meeting. It was like a nightmare. I couldn't control myself and just made some smartass sarcastic comment before hanging up the phone. In a rush I jumped up on the counter top and sprinted over several cans of soda to restore my health to 100%. Then I sprinted to the front door and used the front door. As if in a dream again the black bars returned and I saw myself driving to work. When I came to from this vision I was standing in the lobby of my office building.
Arrived at work and headed immediately into the break room for a donut and a can of soda. The donuts were still in their crates so I took out my infinite ammo blaster and destroyed three crates, each of which contained a single donut. I was only hungry enough to eat one but making the crates explode is just too much fun to pass up. After that I headed to the soda machine and attempted to use it but nothing happened. I bashed the soda machine once with a crowbar and it made a breaking window sound and sparked. A soda was dispensed. While enjoying my donut and soda by running on top of them I was joined by fellow coworker and best friend Ching Chang Darkie. He's a great guy. He's half Asian and half black and he has a totally in your face attitude that just makes me laugh at all times. He said "Herro Snapshot-san, you got any flied chicken and watelmerron?" That crazy Ching Chang!
Ching Chang approaches.
I used my computer over three thousand times today in my office cubicle and the IT report for the planning meeting was finally almost done. I used my computer one last time and sprint to the printer to begin printing and then photocopying the document. Horror gripped me like a monkey grips a magical banana as I realized that we're all out of 40 pound Hammermill stock. I ran over several unlabeled reams but they turned out to be low quality Xerox paper inadequate for the report. I sprinted to the supply room and opened the door by using it. It made a loud creaking sound and swung slowly open. Some asshole had used all of the 40 pound stock at the printers and had used all of it in the supply room. All that was left were a few dozen boxes of shotgun shells neatly lined up on the floor and I couldn't even pick those up because I didn't have a shotgun.
Just as I was working up the nerve to head downstairs into the basement supply room Ching Chang approached. He stood there staring at me like I should do something so I sprinted up to him and used him. He said "Yo homesrice, whatever you are doing I wirr be your main man" and then he brandished an uzi. I tried to decline his offer, but Ching Chang insisted. He's a great guy but he is not the sort of person you want around in a dangerous situation like heading into the basement. Not too bright if you know what I mean.
I descended the steps into the basement with Ching Chang close behind. He kept prodding my back with that machinegun and I was really worried he was going to unload on me at the first sign of trouble. We entered the lair of the rat monsters and were immediately besieged by several dozen mutant rats. I dispatched the first wave fairly easily with my infinite ammo and began to sprint around picking up the assault rifles and grenades that they had dropped. By the time the second wave of fire ball rats spawned Ching Chang had managed to get himself stuck against the wall and was spinning really fast shooting his Uzi. I grunted with pain every time a fireball slammed into me while Ching Chang screamed "Snapshot-san, I am under attack!" Oh great, thanks Ching Chang, I couldn't see you there spinning like a tornado and shooting randomly with that uzi of yours.
Taking Care of Business.
Finally I dealt the last of the fireball rats a fatal blow with my infinite ammo pistol and we headed into the refinery section of the basement. I knew that this would be one of the most dangerous areas thanks to the hundreds of oil filled barrels lining the catwalks and Ching Chang's tendency to fire at anything. I sprinted forward on the catwalk and Ching Chang immediately got stuck behind a cluster of exploding barrels. I figured this was for the best and left him standing there while I rushed forward to face the cyber zombie troopers beginning to appear. I blasted through them with my assault rifle, taking advantage of fortuitous exploding barrel placement to destroy clusters of them within the barrel's radius of death. Near their spawn point a cluster of them had actually clipped through the wall and were stuck right next to an exploding barrel. See you in hell zombie troopers!
When I finally fought my way to the door to the adjacent room I used the door and it wouldn't open. A disembodied voice informed me that "[I] can't leave a companion behind in the level" so I had to backtrack all the way through the catwalks and shove fucking Ching Chang out from behind the barrels he was stuck to. Not even a word of thanks from him as we rushed back to the door and proceeded to the Spider Queen's Burrow.
Spiders were everywhere! Endless waves of them in varying sizes and colors attacked us as we sprinted through the spider queen's lair on our way to face the demonic monstrosity herself. Somewhere along the line Ching Chang had picked up a shotgun to match mine and he turned out to be a menace with that thing. Every time spiders attacked us I had to strafe quickly out of the way before Ching Chang would bury half of a spread of buck shot into my back. Then whenever I would be ready to open up with my own shotgun Ching Chang would run forward at the last second to block my line of fire. Eventually I tricked him by running up and down a set of stairs until he got confused and just started walking constantly into the wall. I left him there and gunned down an increasingly large swarm of spiders that frequently just appeared out of walls to attack me from all sides.
The spiders were really taking it to me after a while but I stumbled upon a hidden room accidentally that contained a clean mega armor outfit and several first aid kits as well as plenty of ammo. I took advantage of this good fortune by sprinting over everything and topping myself off. I would have liked to have been able to pick up the spare medical supplies after I got myself up to speed but for some reason once I felt healthy I was not able to pick up any first aid kits.
Shortly after this I found myself in the spider queen's lair itself. Those goddamn black bars came in from the top and bottom again and I was paralyzed as I watched the spider queen slowly descend from the ceiling and strut around before she began attacking me. I would have loved to have blasted the crap out of her dumb ass while she was showboating but those accursed black bars robbed me of my opportunity. Instead I had to fight off the baby spiders that kept jumping off her back while simultaneously trying to shoot her in the mouth whenever she did her acid spray attack. Needless to say I had my hands full, but somehow I managed to finish the bitch and her cronies off. Then I had to walk all the way back to the stairs to get fucking Ching Chang.
I hope I never have to jump again in my entire life. Minutes earlier I had to leap from platform to platform over an infinite gulf of despair and for some damn reason these hovering platforms were moving. Ching Chang would just fall into the pit repeatedly and then reappear on top of whatever platform I was on; I wished I had it so easy. For some reason Ching Chang can survive that fall, but I knew I would be dead the instant I missed one of these damned platforms. It certainly did not help that my inability to view myself from another perspective made gauging the distance to the next platform almost impossible. Somehow I did it though and we made it into the final level of the basement.
Fuck that thing, I hate it. Why does it fight us? All I want is a ream of paper.
It was thick with zombies, red zombies that would explode when they got close to you, super zombies that were twice is big as normal ones and carried mini-guns, flying Succubus zombies that looked like women in bikinis and they made this horrible orgasmic moan when you shot them to death. There were even robot zombies. I don't know what kind of retard makes a robotic zombie, probably the same kind of retard who puts our office supplies at the far end of a monster infested basement. I should have just dipped into petty cash.
By the time we finally made it into the Cathedral of Pain area of the basement it was almost my lunch hour. Pretty typical that I would bust my ass through another day eating lunch on the go while my boss sits in his air conditioned office earning overtime for taking a dump after five o'clock. I sprinted up to the giant skull-encrusted double doors and used them. They swung open and immediately in came those black bars as the cyber demon zombie overlord stomped out towards me and Ching Chang. Again I would have loved to have emptied about three magazines of assault rifle ammo and at least a dozen rockets into his head, but no such luck.
The thing had a chain gun rocket launcher. I don't know if you're aware of what that is but it's not pleasant and amounts to about one explosive rocket hurtling directly at you every half second. Luckily no one put any furniture in the Cathedral of Pain so I was restricted to strafing and even jumping over his rockets. I tried to go back into the narrow hallways that would confine him but I guess all the doors locked when we came in. Ching Chang went down after about five seconds, blasted into pieces by a direct rocket hit. I figured this would ruin my day but for some reason I was able to keep fighting the boss of office supplies. At last a well-placed rocket took the beast down!
The black bars came back and I saw myself and the mysteriously intact Ching Chang loading our arms with Hammermill 40 pound stock. Now all we had to do was back track through every level that was sure to be full of monsters once again.
I was thinking I might get home on time after all. Ching Chang and I had made it back from the basement and had printed, copied, and collated all of the IT reports and it was still almost an hour before it was time to leave. We headed into my boss's office to drop the reports off. For some reason my boss had decided to redecorate with a shitload of those exploding barrels from the refinery in the basement. I thought that seemed like a pretty dumbass idea at the time but I just wanted to unload those damn reports. Unfortunately, my boss was feeling chatty. While he was telling me about some fishing trip and flipping through the report Ching Chang must have noticed something. He sprinted over to the nearest cluster of exploding barrels and drew his shotgun. Before I could say anything a rat emerged and Ching Chang opened fire indiscriminately. The barrels went up like a propane tank covered with C-4 and gibbed Ching Chang completely.
When the dust had settled I looked at my boss with dismay.
"These reports are worthless without Ching Chang!" He exclaimed to me. "You're going to have to start over."
I blinked and I was back in the spider queen's lair with Ching Chang in tow. I had always thought my life autosaved after every door.
Maybe now that you kids realize just how hard Jake Snapshot has it you won't try to emulate him and go on your spree killings or harass old people like your favorite Wolfenstein character. Hooligans.
Ken Burns' Photoshop Phriday
Hello kiddies and kiddos, whichever you are, it is I, Josh "Green Acres" Boruff here with another helping of razzle-dazzle and pixilated fanfare. This edition of Photoshop Phriday travels back in time to the American Civil War, and promptly rapes it. All sorts of long gone moments, harrowing and happy, are torn to pieces by our beloved SA Forum Goons. The phrase "history comes alive" probably didn't imply the past rising from its grave and violently attacking people for their sweet, delicious brain matter. It does here, however.
Now stop crying and go read this free comedy, you rotten fishwives.