One More Day Until Big Prize Week!
TOMORROW IS THE START OF BIG PRIZE WEEK!!! Only one more day to wait before a shower of BIG prizes fills your mouth and nose until you cannot breathe. FREE PRIZES. This extravaganza of prizes planned for all next week is quickly becoming the most talked about Internet event ever. Thousands of people around the world are signing up for online service just for a chance to take part in Big Prize Week, and get a chance to win the big big prizes! Games, prizes, cash giveaways, raffles, rides, elephant ears and did I mention PRIZES?? We're sure everybody will have a great time, and an almost embarrassing amount of fun!
As the time for outrageously big prizes draws nigh, I want to give a very special thanks to the people who made it all possible. Lowtax, the architect and creator of Big Prize Week, took his opium induced dream and made it a reality. Zack Parsons has been an absolute rock, rallying on the troops when our spirits were low, and providing the organizational skills so needed to make such an event possible. Ben "Greasnin" Platt handled the refreshments, providing us with steaming hot coffee so that we could work on Big Prize Week without having to stop and make coffee ourselves. There's that Livestork guy too, he's alright I guess. I also want to thank our corporate sponsor, Vagisil, for providing us with the funding and support for Big Prize Week. Without them we would have been dry and itchy, with a "not so fresh" feeling.
We implore you to join us, and to invite all your friends and family. Big Prize Week is just our way to give something back to the community. It's just a modest little "thank you" from all of us here at Something Awful.
Now get ready for some BIG BIG prizes because IT STARTS TOMORROW!!!! BIG PRIZES!!!!.
Today we will be taking a look at the HOTTEST news about the stars of today! I know Mr. Parsons expressed his displeasure of star gazing in his rant yesterday (he's so cute when he's angry!), but as they say in the "business", the show must go on!
Word around town is that Ben Affleck is on set of his new project, "Huckleberry Hound". The remake of the classic Hanna Barbara cartoon is a follow-up to the huge success of Scooby Doo last fall. With a budget of over 100 million dollars, the movie is boasting the latest CGI technology as well as a strong cast including Julia Roberts and Friend's star Matthew Perry.
The buzz word on everybody's mind is "Oscars"! Hollywood tough guy Bruce Willis is teaming up with Catherine Zeta Jones to make "Die Hard 4: Die Harderer". Studio execs are hoping the sexy duo will help propel the action flick past "Lord of the Rings" for a best picture bid. Jack Black co-stars as the goofy, yet loveable, computer hacker sidekick, and Gary Oldman rounds out the cast as the ruthless European terrorist.
Mel Gibson is looking to do another historical blockbuster about killing Englishman. This time the setting is the 100 Years War, but America will be replacing France in the conflict. The project was described by the studio as a "history action thriller romance" geared towards male audiences aged 5-18. Some history purists voiced displeasure when hearing that zombies will be in the flick, but Gibson promised that the main story of the war will be told without "Hollywood revisions". Renee Zellweger also stars as Cleopatra, and Martin Lawrence has signed on to play King Edward II.
Vin Diesel was recently listed as #6 in Entertainment Weekly's Top 100 Actors of all time issue, overtaking the recently deceased Gregory Peck. With such movies under his belt like "XXX", and "The Fast and the Furious", it comes as no surprise. A new Diesel vehicle is planned to hit the theatres this Christmas. It's called "Pass Go, Collect Death", and it's about a bunch of rock climber parachuting undercover spies that race cars blindfolded and it has tons of hot chicks in it. It co-stars Chris Tucker as a sassy black guy who screams a lot.
Things have been hot hot hot lately in Tinseltown! Steamy romances, ugly divorces, and scandalous affairs have provided plenty of dirty, juicy news to dish out in this edition of Gossip Gab. Halle Berry was seen at a local LA Dairy Queen whispering sweet nothings into Nicolas Cage's ear, even though Cage recently proposed to Friends star Lisa Kudrow. Cuba Gooding, Jr. was also at the Dairy Queen eating a double scoop ice cream cone, even though he said he was on a diet. Gwyneth Paltrow was seen around town with a new diamond on her finger, and there are speculations that Adam Sandler may be the lucky guy. I hope he remembered to get a prenup!
Tom Hanks is in the news again after a very public and messy breakup with Reese Witherspoon, his co-star in the new movie "Saving Private Ryan 2: Lost in New York". Word is that it's over Hank's new facial hair look, which Witherspoon describes as "gross". Is there a doctor in the house? ER's Noah Wyle was rollerblading in Central park when he slammed into heartthrob Josh Hartnett as Hartnett was tying his shoes. Both sustained minor injuries and are now said to be dating. How cute!
J. Lo might not be over her former beau Sean "P-Diddy" Combs. They were spotted in a posh uptown restaurant having drinks, while Combs' entourage looked on. If I were Affleck, I would get that one million dollar ring back from that skank ho before she sold it for crack. It looks like hunk Orlando Bloom found more than fellowship during the making of Lord of the Rings. He was last seen from a helicopter sunbathing nude on the private grounds of Ian McKellen's Malibu home. Is that a staff in your robe Gandalf, or are you just happy to see me?
In other news, Ethan Hawke, Jack Nicholson, Marlon Brando, and Christopher Walken were sharing a cab that rear ended a bus carrying Lucy Liu, Ewan McGregor, Clint Eastwood, Cate Blanchett, Kevin Bacon, Keanu Reeves, Kiefer Sutherland, Billy Zane, Bill Paxton, Jodie Foster, Matthew McConaughey, Geoffrey Rush, Martin Sheen, John Travolta, Sigourney Weaver, Robert DeNiro, Rene Russo, Jackie Chan, Al Pacino, and Angelina Jolie. All were killed.
Ahoy fashion! Sir Sean Connery is setting sail for style as he blows us out of the water with this stunning once piece suit. I would let him be the captain of my ship any day! If he was wearing this while making "The Hunt for Red October", I wouldn't have walked out of the theatre dissatisfied at the lack of scenes detailing the cramped bunk quarters of the sweaty Russian seamen. Complete with white cufflinks, naval buttons, and a majestic frilly sailor shirt, he is truly the master of the sea, as well as our hearts.
(5 flummoxed buttocks out of 5)
Well if it isn't little miss perfect strutting around like she's God's gift to style. Elizabeth Hurley has to be the most overrated tramp ever to enter the business. Who does she think she's kidding with that dress? I saw the same one on sale at Walmart for $8. And what's with that accent? She sounds like a 2 year old babbling (not to mention drooling). It's no wonder poor Hugh Grant had to flee into the arms of a diseased prostitute. If I ever saw her in person, I'd claw her eyes out for what she did to sweet little Hugh!
(1 flummoxed buttocks out of 5)
Look everybody, it's Cameron Diaz in yet another vain attempt to reinvent her lackluster wardrobe by hiring a team of specialists to work on her day and night. Let me tell you honey, what you need is a prayer, 'cause it ain't happening. This plain black velvet dress just reeks of desperation, and it's hard to stand out when 90% of the other women are wearing exactly the same thing. Sorry Cameron, this just isn't your night. Incidentally, I do like the hairstyle though, and the makeup job will earn her a few points.
(2 1/2 flummoxed buttocks out of 5)
Ohhhh LEEEEEOOOOO! Can it get any better than Leonardo DiCaprio in a Georgio Armani suit? He's like a sweet little cream tart wrapped up in chocolate that you just want to pop in your mouth and savor forever until time stops and you're trapped with him in a diamond palace full of soft furs and raging fires and wrestle all night long. Leo sets the standard for all men everywhere as far as I'm concerned. ~sigh~
(5 flummoxed buttocks out of 5)
Tramp alert! Tara Reid gained notoriety in the smash hit film "American Pie", but is really known around Hollywood as being a slutbag whore! I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER! Why can't all these harlots get put on an island somewhere where they can devour each other. Oh wait I forgot, they're all bulimic. This outfit is simply a fashion disaster. I don't even know where to begin, so I'm not even going to start. What a bitch.
(1 flummoxed buttocks out of 5)
Well that's all for this edition of Spotlight: Hollywood. Join us next week when we talk about Barbara Streisand's new flame, Russell Crows erectile difficulties, and pictures of Sean Penn's inner thigh. Remember, keep reaching for the stars, and keep your feet on the ground. Toodles!
State Og: Strong Enough For a Man, Made For a Woman
Showing up weekly like a woman's period, I'm your State Og representative Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell. Instead of further impressing you with my impressive knowledge of the vagina (in the front, right under the belly button), I shall instead impress you with this impressive selection from this week's rather impressive update:
State Og has found a cause it can fully stand behind and exploit in order to improve our public image. After the issue was brought to our attention by a good friend of the company with the slogan "Just say NO to zombies eating your brains", we decided to dedicate all of this upcoming week to stopping zombies from eating our nation's spongey and succulent brains.
Pamphlets and posters will be spread nationwide urging people not to allow zombies to eat their brains, no matter how politely they may ask or how hungry they look. The material also points out that you should wear conservative clothes, since it's widely known that women who wear slutty short skirts are just asking to be attacked by the undead.
You know what I'd call that selection? Pretty good. Now go read this week's State Og while I sneak into our Big Prize Week warehouse and mark every single item as my own by licking it.
This is very real. As an insider I possess damning evidence that could utterly destroy Something Awful. This website has many enemies who appear to be coming to power in the United States. They probably have lots of money at their disposal, and I could really use some.
Don't let the winter dryness destroy your sinuses.
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