Note: story continued from my horrifically nerdy last worst update ever.
The Land of Vice and the Law of the Robot
The star captain and the resurrected game show host made their way through the corridor that tunneled drunkenly like intestines through the belly of a hot dog eating contest champion. The gnawing screams and cackling grew louder, daggering deeper into eardrums like ethereal harpoons into ghost whales. This voracious cave proved to be bulimic, and soon vomited the travelers up as though they were a fattening cake that may or may not have had a saw blade concealed under layers of frosting. The place where the cave expired was a small opening large enough to hold a small town play or musical about the choking hazards of exceptionally large peanuts, though that was merely a distant possibility. This cavity stood between the ending of the cave and a doorway, guarded by man coated in metal like nougat in chocolate.
Sisko appeals to the robotic policeman for passage.Sisko stepped forward, trigging the metallic man's head to twist towards him and emit a piercing hydraulic noise. "Freeze," said the voice to Sisko, who complied by ceasing all movement-related activities. "This is the doorway to level 2, home of perpetrators of vice. You are not authorized to pass."
Ray, horrified by the sounds slithering out from behind the door, did not want to go further. Sisko, however, had a job to do, and so he beckoned with the doorkeeper, much to Ray's discomfort. "Robot, officer of the law, you were once a man and in many ways still are. My friend seeks salvation, and he can only acquire it by venturing further."
"I have rounded up these criminals and I guard them, yet my jurisdiction ends at this door. If you were to continue, the law will not be able to protect you."
"We will just have to take that risk."
The robot methodically twisted and moved his limbs in noisy harmony to open the door. He then adjusted himself so that the two travelers were fixed in his view. "Move along," he said in his hallow, mechanical voice that rode through the air like a thunderstorm on a unicycle.
And just like that, the adventure continued. Ray, growing ever fearful, hung close to Sisko; half expecting to have to use him as a human shield should the situation grow worse. They walked through the door, and...
The nymph tries to seduce Ray Combs into joining him on her camping trip of the damned.Ray found himself in a place he never expected: a lush and beautiful forest. The place seemed so serine he figured he had just woken up from a nightmare, especially since Sisko was nowhere to be found. He was reassured of this when a beautiful blonde woman appeared before him. She had a smile that was like a rainbow made out of assorted flavors of ice cream – a Neapolitan arch annexing most of her face. Ray wondered if she was a former contestant whose family had won a lot of money on the Feud. The two stared at each other leisurely, like teenage lovers slowly drowning in a tar pit that was formed on top of a pool of quicksand.Ray witnesses the horror of the carnal.The moment was shredded when he reappeared. That dreadful Sisko, why did he have to come back now when Ray was so at peace? So much anger flowed through Ray's head, knowing that the dark journey looms over him once more. "Do not let the nymph fool you, she wanders this forest to seduce fools like yourself," Sisko commented without a hint of regret. He had no qualms spoiling this moment no matter how precious Ray believed it to be. "Perhaps if you saw her in her true light," Sisko added.
In an instant, Ray realized she was no more a woman than an effeminate man with skin like that of a specter wearing mime makeup. The once pretty girl now groped and fondled itself, and in front of an inconveniently placed prop child no less. Ray realized there would be no pleasure awarded to him on this trip, and he had best behave himself well. He had a renewed faith in Sisko's leadership, who he could now see as having earned his rank through hard work.
The Journey Through the Den of Excess
From there the duo journeyed deeper and deeper, to a level full of those who spent their entire existence feeding in excess, always ensuring their lives were embellished with too much food and drink. There was nothing they would not consume, no matter how perverse the taste. Like Scientologists or rats, their tongues were ravenous and willing to eat even their own offspring. Ray almost lost his appetite from the sight of a fat woman drop kicking a garbage can to acquire the lush turkey dinner concealed within. It is hard to believe, but for some people, finding a large plate of ham or turkey is as simple as smashing a crate or garbage can. Others gain smaller rewards like fruits and beverages, usually for smashing or killing. Eating here has taken on an intensely savage quality. Feeding only comes through destruction, yet in spite of the effort required, none of these people lose weight. The residents are bulbous meat pods that snail their way around looking for more to consume. Often they become entangled in such a way that their stomachs begin feeding off each other in an endless loop of digestion and consumption. Then there was the matter of the mouth, a monstrous yellow jaw that drifted through the air to chomp down hallucinogenic pills. These pills would then cause the mouth's demons to take form and give pursuit. They did not dwell here too long, for the obesity and insanity of the inhabitants prevented any level of comfort.
Ray is tempted by the greed of unlimited golden rings.A hop and skip away and they were surrounded by the greedy: those who spent their lives chasing gold coins, shimmering metal rings, and inventories filled to the brim with vanity items such as powerful swords and magical shields blessed by people who have no business blessing magical shields. The denizens of this dreadful level were forced to chase an endless stream of gold coins, yet their pockets had holes so they could never hold them for long. It was a train powered by the fuel of greed, and it moved devilishly fast like a horse with a rocket on its back and a carrot dangled in its starving face. Ray lifted a gold ring up to inspect it, but quickly found it torn from his hand, along with some of his flesh, by a rabid hedgehog slavering for unattainable wealth. This lust for money, was this what Family Feud was all about? Ray was nauseated at the thought and vowed that if he ever returned to Earth, he would have a long talk with the show's producers.Ray and Sisko meet a fallen angel shortly before eating some tacos.Sisko was again leading Ray forward. They passed through a level that was consumed with anger. Because of this, they had no chance to stop. Even as they raced through this enraged furnace of voluminous spite, the local population threw projectiles and chased them. To them, Ray and Sisko were a big tease. They offered something new to hate, but because they did not stop, they were no better than an ice cream man on the day the sun explodes. Sisko noted that their hate had mutated them into monsters, but it had not mutated their love of sports. Most of them were either clad in football or hockey uniforms, and seemed quite thrilled at the prospect of beating the bone marrow out of each other in the medium of professional sports. After that they passed through a rather doggish place that served as a habitat for those who turned away from the spiritual truths. It was here that they had a picnic and ate some tacos that Sisko had brought with him. Sisko was going to tell Ray he made the tacos himself, but figured this was the wrong place to tell a lie. Instead he said a computer made them out of atoms. Ray assumed Sisko was lying and made them himself.
Survey of a Suicide
Ray realized their had been a distinct lull in conversation and felt the need to share a detail of his life. "Did you know I used to warm up live studio audiences for the 'Golden Girls,' Captain Sisko?" Ray inquired.
"It's time to start moving," said Sisko, not wanting to comprehend what a "Golden Girl" was. In the time he was from, Bea Arthur and the rest of the "Golden Girls" cast were quite dead and forgotten, although it is plausible their dead bones still found a way to be annoying.
Sisko guided Ray to a giant laundry chute that led to the next level and also to the place where the laundry was supposed to be done. Since this is Hell, the laundry never actually gets done, turning everyday into a cursed laundry day. There is never anything good to wear save for dirty pants and t-shirts advertising various computer programming languages popular in Scandinavia. Ray was delighted that his blue suit had survived so well in such an inhospitable climate. He pledged to thank the wardrobe department of the Family Feud, and followed Sisko into the chute.
They landed on a pile of soiled laundry along the side of a cave that stood at the base of a large forest. Sisko rose up first, turning rather sternly to Ray and saying, "We are nearing the end of this journey." Ray sprung up, eager for the kind of sweet relief that comes from divine salvation or winning the lottery right before an expensive throat surgery.
The ebony Sisko almost disappeared in the dark of the forest, but the red of his uniform did manage to reflect some light. Ray staggered behind, half excited and half fearful. Something did not seem right with him. The trees themselves seemed almost as though they were spying on him, which was as queer a thought as the Pope's bar mitzvah. The moaning and creaking of these ancient wooden behemoths was more than just wood blowing in the wind, it was a song of woe and a warning.
Ray became rather alarmed and stopped moving altogether. "Sisko, something isn't right."
"Nothing is right here, in case you haven't noticed."
"Do you really know where you're going, Sisko? It's so dark here, I can't see a thing!"
"I am taking you home, Ray. We are very close."
Has Sisko betrayed Ray? The intense drama that can only come from game show fan fiction nears its climax!Ray noted a certain sinister quality that began to resonate in the undertone of Sisko's voice. Suddenly he wondered if Sisko was leading him to salvation, or taking him to his final dwelling in Hell. Ray began to back away from his guide, inching further and further into unknown darkness. Almost as though Ray Combs possessed his own gravitational field, Benjamin Sisko was pulled to him. Ray would have known of it, though. He was too gripped with panic to let Sisko get close, and so he began to run through pitch darkness.
"Ray, stop! You don't know where you're going!" Sisko shouted to no avail. Suddenly a smile wrapped itself around his face. He began to laugh, manically no less.
This cold laugh reached its way into Ray's ears, which immediately sent the instructions to his brain to open all floodgates. This was no time for one to crap their pants, though, and somehow Ray maintained dignity while the torments of Captain Benjamin Sisko enveloped him.
"Ray, you really thought I was leading you to Heaven?" asked Sisko, who had undergone a rapid metamorphosis into an asshole.
"But, but, but… What about Starfleet Command? What about all that stuff back at the graveyard?"
"It was all a clever ruse. I'm no Star Captain! Why, I'm surprised you didn't recognize my voice! Here let me show you…"
To the overwhelming horror of Ray Combs, Sisko removed his own face. He tore it off, revealing it to be a crude mask. One moment, Ray is standing next to Benjamin Sisko, the next he is standing in front of Richard Dawson, the man Ray Combs replaced on Family Feud. He could barely make out the details, but it was him alright.
"It was because you took Family Feud to heights I never dreamed of! You made it your show when it was all mine! All mine! But Ray, you threw that away when you hung yourself! Survey says its time for you to suffer the consequences."
"How? But h-h-h-ow could you do all of this?" Ray insightfully inquired.
"I made a deal with Satan to get revenge at all costs. I will return and claim the show as my own, and thanks to greed, I'll be supplying Hell with plenty of new citizens. You, Ray Combs, will get to spend the rest of your life suffering for your evil deed."
Ray realized the ground was swallowing his feet and that his skin was beginning to feel stiff and hard. He was transforming into a tree, which puts him at a tactical disadvantage next to Richard Dawson and all but eliminates his chances of ever hosting a game show again. He could not help but think how awkward it would be to move around as agile as he once did, jumping from one side of the Family Feud set to another. He wanted to talk, to curse Dawson, but his mouth was too hard to move. It was not long ago a force pulled him from the dirt, now it was returning im to it forever.
"Goodbye, Ray! I hope you like it here! I think it suits you nicely."
With that, Dawson left Hell to return to Family Feud and untold heights of glory. When Dawson finally returned to the set of the Feud, he saw a familiar face. It was the demon he made the deal with, only now he was hosting the show! Dawson approached the fiend, a sniveling, nasally, and obese monstrosity, to ask what was going happening.
"Call me Louie," the demon said. "Louie Anderson. Oh, and I think I'll be keeping this job."
Richard Dawson went home and hung himself with fifteen feet of garden hose. Shortly thereafter, Ray Combs had a new neighbor.
A Review? Of a Movie? No Way!
Oh yes, my friends. Believe it! It's Ben "Grabnose" Platt here with another installment in the ongoing series entitled "Movie Reviews." This time, I pitted my steely resolve against the Eighties smash hit "Star Crystal."
The Eighties were a simpler, more innocent time. No one suspected their neighbors of being terrorists who wanted to kill them. But there were terrorists in America back then. They were just too busy making godawful movies to go around hijacking planes. Lance Lindsay's "Star Crystal" is just one example of that cinematic terrorism. Unlike many of the movies reviewed here at Something Awful, this film was given the blessing of a reasonable budget. That budget clearly went toward special effects. Well, special effects and a whole lot of crystal meth. Aside from the passable effects, this movie is loaded with more crap than a Mexican restaurant men's room. Lindsay not only directed this space epic, he also wrote the script. Thus, all of the contradictions and nonsensical occurrences are solely his fault. As for the cast's hair, well, that's society's fault.
Oh, I am such a bitch! Now go read the review or I'll scratch your eyes out! Well, not me personally, but I'll hire someone to scratch your eyes out. Well, "out" might be a little strong. But I will hire someone to give you a nasty poke. Not necessarily right to the eye, but definitely to the general eye area. To the head, anyway. I'll do it, too.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
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