Official Something Awful 2012 Presidential Endorsement
Tomorrow is the big day. On November 6th, America will decide who will order the continuous bombardment of the third world with missiles in our name. ACORN-registered welfare queens named Ochocinco Mickey Mouse will be lining up for hours in the democratic precincts of Florida and Ohio to cast their votes under the watchful eyes of the Black Panthers. In Republican precincts, it's much the same story as husbands and their Biblically subservient wives ride their electric golf carts through the climate-controlled instant voter tunnels built by the Koch brothers.
President Obama and Mitt Romney are receiving all the attention from the partisan media circus, but for pragmatic voters there can be only one choice on the ballots this year:
Fellure is a traditionalist who has wisely made the official platform of his party the entirety of the King James Bible. In his 81 years he has racked up a lot of experience as an engineer and a six-time Republican candidate for the US presidency. Hoping to build on his gains of the 1990s, when he received high two-figure vote totals in Republican primaries, Fellure has broken ranks with Republicans in 2012 and sought the nomination of the Prohibition Party. After a contentious fight with James Hedges, a Pennsylvania tax assessor, at the Prohibition Party convention in Alabama, Fellure secured the party's nomination.
Something Awful endorses Fellure for consistently advocating the sort of social policies this nation needs to see our way clear of Obama's economy and Romney's retreat. When forcing a mother to die giving birth to a rapist's baby just isn't conservative enough, there is Jack Fellure.
"Should I be elected to the Presidency, this Bible will be open on the desk in the White House Oval Office to Psalm 33:12, "BLESSED IS THE NATION WHOSE GOD IS THE LORD", and also to II Samuel 23:3, "HE THAT RULETH OVER MEN MUST BE JUST, RULING IN THE FEAR OF GOD". It shall never be closed during my tenure. I will take the inauguration oath of office with my hand on my Bible opened to Deuteronomy 28."
Literally governing from the laws set forth in Deuteronomy is exactly the sort of religious persecution this nation has been craving since the pilgrims escaped religious persecution. Literally governing from the Bible will lead to dramatic policy changes in our society.
For example, no more cold case files. All land on which an unsolved murder has occurred is considered polluted, therefore the nearest city will be required to send an unworked cow to the nearest valley with flowing water, break its neck in the valley, and priests will wash their hands in the water flowing over the dead cow. Then the case will be closed. Similarly, executed criminals will no longer be left hanging from trees overnight, as they are under our current legal system, or we will be cursed.
Even when the laws of Deuteronomy are not explicitly applicable, Fellure promises to let God guide his governance, particularly when it comes to what types of cider Americans are permitted to drink.
For : Leaders whose decisions are governed by what's right or wrong rather than what is politically expedient.
Against : The Liquor Industry which is a detriment to our nation. Alcohol is America's number one drug problem.
He also has plans to deal with public health issues...
For : Making Homosexuality illegal. This will stop much of the AIDS plague.
...and the rampant anti-Americanism that has spread like a cancer through this nation over the past 24 years.
Against : Allowing Anti-American organizations, such as the American Civil Liberties Union and the Communist Party to continue their destruction of this nation.
If you stand with the working American and believe in lowering his tax burden, then Jack Fellure is your man. If, on the other hand, you are a godless ACLU Communist who suckles at the teat of the New World Order, worships pornography and wishes to eliminate guns, then you should be entered into a sack of coarse making and lowered into a pit for adult men of land and marriage to slay you with un-quarried stones (Deuteronomy 19:31).
When you go into the voting booth tomorrow, remember the name Jack Fellure.
You're going to have to, because he didn't make it onto most ballots.