Breakdown: What Does Occupy Wall Street Want?
There's a bunch of screaming, angry, incoherent weird people with signs gathering in large crowds across the country, and for once it's not the Tea Party. So what do the Occupy Wall Street protesters want? We took an informal poll and discovered groups of people with the following ideals and beliefs:
- 16,283: The government needs to impose salary caps for all businesses. If an individual ends up getting paid "too much" money, the government should fire and replace them with energy-efficient scooters. Recyclable energy-efficient scooters. From Darfur.
- 16,008: Free health care for every American and also non-Americans. This program should be able to cure every disease and also make it impossible to ever die. Also every year on your birthday the government should send you a check for $1,000 that says "GREAT JOB!!! XOXOXO UNCLE SAM"
- 15,998: "Being poor" should be a professional occupation subsidized by the rich, a job which can pay up to $56,000 annually. Tenure should be provided to individuals who do the best job being poor. This will ensure they do not end up living a life of poverty.
- 15,002: There are currently too many people who do not belong to unions. This can be fixed by creating a Global Union of Human Beings, which any person automatically joins upon being born. Union benefits include two free bumper stickers and the promise to fight for any human being who has their job replaced by a non-human being (exempting recyclable energy-efficient scooters from Darfur).
- 15,001: Banks should not be permitted to make money; they should only be allowed to lose money. But not our money... somebody else's money (emphasis on the key part of the statement).
- 14,781: Something seriously needs to be done about this whole global warming thing. We don't really have a concrete plan on how to solve it, but we'll just come up with shit and will judge its success on how many people it annoys. Maybe make it illegal to be warm or something.
- 13,850: Free Troy Davis' corpse.
- 13,129: There needs to be more jobs. There also needs to be less pollution. Replace pollution with jobs.
- 13,121: Remember that George W. Bush guy? He was a terrible president. We just wanted to remind anybody in case they forgot.
- 13,121: Also Dick Cheney.
- 12,677: Instead of shooting guys in the Middle East, our soldiers should be having gay sex with them.
- 12,003: Immigration laws must be reformed. Simply touching American soil should instantly make you an automatic American citizen. Mailing a foreigner a package of dirt from Ohio will immediately transform them into an American upon signing for the delivery. Also if you turn on the television and see an American on it, you become a citizen as well, regardless of where you are located.
- 11,873: Instead of forcing citizens to do it, Wall Street should pay to occupy itself.
- 11,295: The teachers union needs more rights and power. Instead of basing performance on student test scores, teachers will be rewarded based on the number of times they are able to correctly spell their own name.
- 10,911: More jobs for poor people, less jobs for rich people. Middle class people will keep the same amount of jobs they currently have, but they should be given coupons to trade their job in for another job of equal or lesser value (does not expire).
- 10,673: The government is far too corrupt and bloated. A new, bonus government should be created, with the explicit purpose of monitoring the other government. The bonus government should employ more public employees and have a larger budget than the original government, because that would obviously make it more effective.
- 10,271: CCP Games is ruining EVE Online's fragile economy and must be stopped at all costs.