9,972: It is not fair that a lot of money goes to rich people while only a little bit of money goes to poor people. For the sake of equality, all the money should instead go to the government.
8,883: Investment bankers are ruining the global economy. The fundamental principles of banking and investing are corrupt. To prevent another global meltdown, all numbers should be considered subjective. At any moment in time, the number 9 could suddenly become the number 46, and vice versa. Any number greater than 2,000,000 should be illegal.
8,102: Bring back "Arrested Development." Oh wait, they did bring it back. Well in that case, this is a preemptive protest for when it is inevitably canceled once more.
7,839: Guns are the leading cause of all gun-related murders, so guns should be illegal. Knives are the second highest leading cause of all gun-related murders, so they should also be illegal. Hell, let's just make murder illegal. That should solve the problem.
7,127: Atheism should be taught in all schools to counteract the Christians in our culture, who are all intolerant racists possessing extremely narrow, sweeping, judgmental worldviews.
6,231: A liberal scientific thinktank has conclusively proven the validity of the equation "TEA PARTY = NAZIS." This fact must be revealed and shared with the general public through the use of red markers on cardboard signs.
6,008: Automobile manufacturers should be required to install car seats that allow the driver to have an abortion while operating their vehicle. The dead baby should then be processed and used as biofuel.
5,998: The government should encourage eating anybody who earns over $250,000 a year.
4,289: There should be more support for gay marriage. Anybody should be able to have a gay marriage, regardless of sexual orientation or lack of partner. Any baby born should automatically be gay married to another baby by default, unless the baby signs a document stating otherwise.
3,165: The government should approve more research money to produce vegan tapwater.
2,971: Government should subsidize iPhones for all Americans (ie, "only poor Americans").
2,506: Support for impractical, unsustainable, expensive, inefficient renewable energy sources that inconvenience everyone involved and cause more problems than they solve. Maybe a windmill powered by sand that is delivered to homes via horseback.
2,288: Close Guantanamo Bay. Open more Trader Joe's.
1,963: The government should move Wall Street to somewhere more comfortable, like an open field or a beach maybe. That would really help us all occupy it more efficiently. Make it closer to our apartments too.
1,584: Free college education offering degrees available through the internet. Possible majors include Advanced Blogging, Politics Arguing, and Minecraft Playing.
963: White people shouldn't be allowed to vote for Herman Cain because the only reason they'd do this is to trick people into thinking they aren't racist, when they actually are. The only person who should be able to vote for Cain is himself.
502: Make it possible to Congressionally elect anime characters.
384: Something (bad) is happening to the ocean and somebody should try to stop it (soon).
201: Illegalize money.
153: Replace Fox News with a channel that reports on the furry community 24/7. Continue to call it "Fox News."
97: Rebuild the Twin Towers and let Muslims fly more planes into it so they can get their aggression out. Repeat process until they see how compassionate we are and thereby end their hostilities against us.
43: There should be one day every month where the cops are put in jails and the prisoners get to be police officers, because then those fascist pigs will know what it feels like to be on the other side. We can call it something fun like "The Great Switcharoo Day."
19: End the "skateboarding is in fact a crime" act.
17: No particular agenda; just showed up to wear stupid Guy Fawkes masks and do retarded shit to be ashamed of for the rest of all eternity.
1: Sane and rational person who thoroughly understands the fundamental problems in America.
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."