Subj: I WILL OWN THIS BANK SOMEDAY
HELLO FROM YOUR FINANCIAL FATHER!!!!!! I am striking it big these days because my current job is the pet watcher for the credit union here which means that if you come into the building with your little dog or morbid cat I hold him or her and pet them and everything while you go do your total banking solution in our office. If you sign up for a loan we give the pet a bath (run a wet rag over the pet) this almost always makes the pet feel real bad and me too. Friday was an especially bad shift because at one point I had 4 cats and 5 small to medium dogs in the Pet Pens and they started getting loud and I couldn't help but escape in my mind to the day when I will be running this horrible credit union and I will sit out in front in a lawn chair and at my command will be 2 giant arms made of pets that I will wave around to attract new cars / customers until things get real sweaty outdoors
We also have to be real careful to wash all the fruit we put out for the customers I don't want to go into detail but lets just say i had a bad dream about bad produce in the lobby and a foul mouthed homeless man eating a can of tuna out of his own sunken chest cavity.. in fact I am drawing up disaster plans for a variety of circumstances:
- If a man with a gun comes into the credit union you should Stop, Drop, And Roll. Try to roll out the door without getting hit by bullets. please dont bother trying to hit the secret foot alarm switch because i am planning to replace that with a thing in the ceiling that will release confetti and play the Happy Birthday song (its for birthday parties when we find out its an employee birthday)
- If we ever have a wasp problem i think we can solve it by putting a bunch of candy in the dumpster and they will probably go swarm on it and the dump truck will take the wasps away
- in case of fire, well, i think it's pretty self explanitory and i don't need to go over it. we are all adults, after all.
- in the event that we have a credit union office cat and the cat is preg. and decides to give birth inside the back of the ATM machine near all the live electrical wiring and its moaning and making the customers nervous and mad and i go try to grab the cat and some wires start sparking and the ATM starts shooting out money so theres a big ruckus outside and the cat starts squeezing the babies out really quick because its not doing too good i think we should call the cops they will know what to do. please come quickly the cat's name is Bumbo
- In order to explain the Housing Bubble to customers and guests I would like to permanently rent an inflatable bounce house and get them to go in and start hopping around. this is what it is like to be a homeowner. Then i begin to deflate it and before they know it the home is collapsing all around them and they dont know how to get out. we will need a solution for people in wheelchairs or who otherwise have metal parts jutting out from their person. maybe we can also get an air mattress and deflate that on top of the wheelchair people so they still get the effect or they could watch my helmet cam.
PLEASE JOIN MY CREDIT UNION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOODBYE