This article is part of the Barkwire.com series.
All the latest dog sightings, courtesy of your fellow Shaggy Butte dog spotters!
Aguirre, Wrath of DogYesterday @ 10am
Ran into Dog near the 15th St Starbucks. Was wagging tail, looking pretty happy. Petted Dog for about two minutes, then got coffee. Great, personable. Everything you expect in a dog. Handsome, too!
SenatorYesterday @ 11pm
Saw Senator leading a pack of a dozen or so dogs through Elmwood Park. Looked like they were on patrol. A lot of them looked pretty scrappy and scared, like they were in over their heads. Something big is happening.
Karl BarxYesterday @ 1pm
Spotted chewing on a child's doll as child looked on and cried. Looked disheveled and was unresponsive to voice commands. Total head case. Wonder when this dog is going to hit rock bottom.
ArtieYesterday @ 5pm
SAW ARTIE SITTING IN TRUCK AGAIN IN PARKING LOT OF LOWES. HE HASN'T LEARNED A THING. WAS BLASTING SPANISH MUSIC AND BOBBING HIS HEAD UP AND DOWN. NO DOG, BAD DOG, STOP DOG. DOGS SHOULDN'T DRIVE.
AstorYesterday @ 6pm
It's happening again! Astor just keeps disappearing into the lake for hours on end. HOW DOES HE STAY ALIVE? WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS? THE MIND BOGGLES!
SatireYesterday @ 9pm
Couldn't help but notice Satire auditioning a new mate. Seemed very interested in a young Dalmatian. If you ask me, a Dalmatian is a little too innocent for Satire. Heard he just got back from a very sordid trip to Berlin, too. This dog's appetite is off the charts.
NoirToday @ 6am
Spotted this poor lass near the train yard. She was headed north. Far away from town. I called her name. Noir. She didn't look back. Guess she's had her fill of this place. Can't say I blame her. I'll always see her silhouette when I close my eyes.
ScarToday @ 8am
WAS READING UFO DOCUMENTS WHEN A NOISE WAS HEARD OUTSIDE. LARGE DOG SCAR WAS SEEN ON OUTSKIRTS OF COMPOUND. OBSERVED HIM RUBBING BACKSIDE ON TREE FOR APPROXIMATELY 16 MINUTES. MEANDERED ON TOWARD TOWN. THE FIGHT CONTINUES.
TetanusToday @ 8am
Vicious dog was chasing children and being a menace. The police came, but Tetanus just ran them off like they were a bunch of scaredy cats. That can't be good. Tetanus has the entire west side living in fear.
BucephelusToday @ 11am
Saw a very nervous looking Bucephelus pacing back and forth near corner of 1st and Commercial. Much fatter and grayer than I expected. Didn't seem interested in people. Waiting for someone?
DaggerToday @ 12pm
Saw Rusty's old chum and current Senator lackey Dagger consorting with an unidentified German Shepherd near King Tut Road. Seemed like a pretty serious meeting. Wonder what was up? Not a fan of this mystery dog. I'll never forgive the German Shepherd breed for their role in the holocaust. I don't care if they were just following orders.
PromiseToday @ 2pm
Saw beautiful Promise running around the dogpark. She seemed pretty confident and happy... until Chattanooga showed up. Seemed like a lot of tension, but then the two got close and it was like old times. Hope these two are back together for good.
HelmsmanToday @ 2pm
Was getting in my car after a jog when I saw Helmsman and Scar following some kind of scent. Helmsman is a big dog, but Scar made him look tiny. Wonder what kind of diet he has?
El Craneo NegroToday @ 4pm
Beast! No good beast! Beware El Cráneo Negro's wrath, for he will bite and scratch at anyone. No soul 'tween those eyes. No mercy. Encountered this Hound o' Hades outside Walgreens. With a snarl and a hiss, he very near drove me to weep. Like Cerberus after killing and devouring his fellow heads. No good. No good at all.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
The seedy canine underworld of Shaggy Butte is explored in this hard-hitting series combining obsessive pet fanatics and social networking.