Staff Reporter and the Invisible Asteroid Invasion
America and Russia: working together like peanut butter and jelly.
India is a country full of mystery and intrigue, much like Disney's smash hit movie "The Haunted Mansion" starring Eddie Murphy, assuming the film was somehow three million kilometers big and inhabited by Hindus and coal. When many people think about India, they think of the ongoing dispute with Pakistan over Kashmir, massive overpopulation, environmental degradation, extensive poverty, and ethnic and religious strife, despite impressive gains in economic investment and output. I know for a fact the CIA thinks this, because that's where I copied the text from. I often find India's unique take on the world to be quite refreshing, as their scholars and scientists cannot be silenced by the jackbooted American government thugs intent on squashing free speech and trampling over human rights like a bull driving a bulldozer on top of a much larger bulldozer being driven by a much larger bull. For example, according to some intelligent and respectable Indian journalists, the Earth is currently defending itself from a full scale UFO invasion!
Thousands of Missiles Fired by Russian and American Forces over Earths Arctic Regions – completely unannounced – Are we fighting extraterrestrial UFOs? - From various news services however there is being reported that Russia and the United States are conducting Missile Defense War games. The valid question is why was this separate military exercise not previously announced. Some UFO researchers believe that both the forces are jointly fighting something that they are not saying. There are also reports that someone is manipulating the earth’s weather systems in a massive scale. Are American and Russians jointly fighting them?
To further drive home this chilling expose of global conspiracies and galactic warfare, the India Daily has pasted a stock photograph of an American and Russian flag beside each other. I'm sure a lot of folks out there, myself included, were saying to themselves, "boy, I don't know about this whole Arctic UFO invasion thing, it just seems so far-fetched." Then they glanced to the side, noticing the American / Russian flag image, and suddenly it all made sense. "Oooooh, a picture of two flags. This must be true then." I can't remember the last scientifically fraudulent article I read which featured an image of both an American AND Russian flag, so I have no choice but to blindly accept all claims presented in the India Daily's story.
This fact-filled leap into the deceptively complex world of alien invasion drags a series of interesting questions to the surface. For example, why are aliens attempting to take over "the Earth's Arctic regions?" I've seen plenty of IMAX movies about the Earth's Arctic regions such as "The Earth's Arctic Regions" and the sequel, "The Earth's Arctic Regions 2: Bloodlust," so I like to believe I'm an expert when it comes to the subject of watching movies. Unfortunately, I cannot recall a single instance of aliens wanting to conquer our Arctic reasons, and I cannot even fathom a guess as to what motivation would stir such a desire. Do inter-dimensional spaceships run on ice? If so, should I grab my shotgun and camp outside my freezer for the next week? I guess I'd have to blackmail my wife into guarding the freezer, as I'm currently armed and camping outside the sink because I heard the Chupacabra enters houses through the drain, and I can't let him back in again because my insurance liability rates will skyrocket.
Look out Geraldo, here comes STAFF REPORTER.
I have absolutely no reason to doubt the validity of this news article, as it was written by Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist "Staff Reporter" and cites information from "various news services." Well gee, how could any factual discrepancies creep into this news article if both Staff Reporter and various news sources teamed up on it? I'm pretty sure Staff Reporter is some guy who looks and acts like a name brand, award-winning, real reporter, but costs 50% less and ships in a fairly nondescript white and yellow container reading "VAL-U-SAVE NEWZ." Additionally, Staff Reporter's previous credits include such well-researched gobs of hard hitting news articles such as "India discovers vaccine for HIV - All India Institute of Medical Sciences did it!," "Experiments reveal fishes are getting extremely intelligent – will they replace humans as Intelligent beings on the earth?," and my personal favorite, "Dust cluttered invisible Asteroids used as extraterrestrial UFO bases provide clues to next generation warfare." I had to read that news headline about nine times just to determine what the hell Staff Reporter was trying to say. I can just imagine the difficulty he had attempting to convey this groundbreaking story to the editor.
STAFF REPORTER: "Boss! Boss! I just gots scoops of a big storytime! There asteroids in space, they covered in dirty! But you can't see dirty! Anyway they gots alien huts on top, they in space and are using for training next generation warfare! We gots to tell this truth and let India know of UFO attack!"
EDITOR: (Excited) "Quick, rush this to the presses! We've got to scoop the New York Times and CNN! Bump the Paris Hilton headline and run this article about invisible space rocks! Staff Reporter, you've done it again!"
In their zeal to whisk this article to the presses, the India Daily seems to have overlooked a few key questions and facts. For example, are the asteroids invisible or is the dust invisible? I mean, I assume they both are, since an invisible asteroid would be pretty damn visible if it's covered with a nine-foot tall layer of space dust, space potato chip particles, space pubic hair, and other space runk. Scientists would discover the floating wad of galactic grossness and begin searching for the gigantic space clothes dryer machine which launched it out. That would kind of defeat the entire purpose of an invisible asteroid, whose original purpose I cannot even begin to fathom. You'd think advanced species of aliens would have something better to do than spend their time researching and implementing a way to make rocks invisible. For example, they could make their UFO bases invisible instead, so they wouldn't be completely evident to Staff Reporter and the ever-vigilant science crew of the India Times. Then, next time Staff Reporter uses his kaleidoscope to look into space, all he'll see is some floating rocks with absolutely no alien bases on them. He'd rush over to his Apple IIC and begin hammering out his latest news scoop, "Absolutely no alien bases found on asteroids." Then phase two of the evil alien plan would occur: the successful Arctic invasion.
To make things even more complex, the India Daily decided to accompany the news article with a painting of an asteroid in space, which looks like a scanned drawing from a 1960s science fiction novel about two teenagers who ride their bikes into a cave and discover a warp gate to a dimension full of sentient Socialist toast. You'll notice the asteroid, which the article claims is quite invisible, appears to instead be quite visible. Additionally, there is a complete lack of bases, alien or otherwise, on the visible asteroid, which negates more than a few points in the original article title. Hell, I don't even see any dust on the asteroid, much less any "next generation warfare" equipment like time traveling bombs that impregnate stray cats with Todd Zeile suicide commandos. Finally, please note that "asteroids" has now become the singular "asteroid," as apparently the invading alien force couldn't afford to spray paint multiple space rocks with their patented invisibility juice. Goddamn space liberals with their defense budget cutting. Maybe the artist painted a whole busload of invisible asteroids everywhere but I just can't see them because they are, well, invisible. Or they're hiding behind the visible one.
Coming soon: invisible pope.
If I were to cross out all the blatantly misleading words in the headline, I guess it'd look something like "
Dust cluttered invisible Asteroid s used as extraterrestrial UFO bases provide clues to next generation warfare," which just boils down to "Asteroid." I imagine an article like this, while more truthful, simply wouldn't generate as much interest. "Oh look Deepak!" a heavily-clothed Indian wife would comment to her husband. "The India Daily is running an article about an asteroid!" Then they'd read the article, which would consist of nothing except the 1960s space rock painting accompanied by the words "STAFF REPORTER," and they'd instantly understand how their country has experienced impressive gains in economic investment and output despite their ongoing dispute with Pakistan over Kashmir, massive overpopulation, environmental degradation, extensive poverty, and ethnic and religious strife.
Regardless, it makes me proud to know that the US and Russia have teamed up to defeat the current alien threat by engaging in the time-honored tradition of "shooting missiles at them." On the other hand, it kind of depresses me to know that such an advanced race of intergalactic conquerors can be effortlessly defeated by conventional missiles, but considering previous races of aliens were killed of by the common cold and rainwater, it shouldn't surprise me that their UFO were constructed from space plaster and drywall. We really should stop expecting a lot from a race of creatures here to conquer our snow.
Now some of you may be doubting the validity of Staff Reporter's UFO claims. You would not only be wrong, but you would also be a jerk. India has a mysterious and intriguing history of intellectual discovery and research. For example, did you know that in the 5th century, Indian astronomer Aryabhatta invented the number zero? It's true! Before he came up with the idea for the term "zero," the Indian civilization was plagued with at least one of everything. You couldn't walk three feet without running into one horse or one cactus or one snowman or one Popeye. Indian scientists had no idea how to free their country from this horrible overpopulation, and their society was on the brink of collapse. One day Aryabhatta approached King India and said, "you know, what if we had one of something and then we got rid of it? We would have one less than one. We'd have zero! Our population problem would be solved!" King India scratched his head and replied, "but how would that be possible? If we get rid of something, we would lose something, not gain something named 'zero,' whatever that is!" He then dubbed Aryabhatta a heretic and stoned him to death while his teenage daughters watched and cheered and waved flags reading "GO KING" and "KING #1." As you can see, India clearly squats atop the heap of intellectual research, particularly when it comes to UFO invasions and filthy invisible asteroids.
Watch out! The UFO is helpfully guiding us to the nearest Denny's.
So Staff Reporter and the India Daily have obviously put in the required amount of scientific research before releasing their latest scientific discovery regarding the US and Russia's joint defensive against the alien invasion. They appear so confident of their sources and research that they don't even bother citing any worthless superficial things that would possibly slow down the dramatic pacing of the article, such as "facts" or "science." Their argument can be summed up by the following:
FACT #1: The US and Russia are engaging in military exercises.
FACT #2: These exercises were not previously announced in this week's TV Guide.
CONCLUSION: Therefore, the Earth is being invaded by UFOs.
The article, sensing that a few of the more aforementioned skeptical readers may not have been swayed by such airtight logic, proceeds to claim the Earth has been undergoing some major weather changes and UFOs are probably somehow responsible for this. Those pesky aliens are always causing cold fronts. Naturally the US and Russian military, protectors of innocent jet streams all over the globe, have decided enough is enough and the invading UFOs should be destroyed so ratings for the Weather Channel will increase and more people will see the endless, nonstop ads for allergy medications which transform you into a happy white woman running through fields of sunflowers and swing sets for no apparent reason. Perhaps she's trying to escape the war of the worlds going on in the Arctic
Leave it to Staff Reporter and the grizzled veteran journalists at the India Daily to take a seemingly innocent activity like Russia and the US launching missiles at each other, and expose it for the nefarious scheme it really is: a joint defensive against the weather-changing Arctic UFO invasion. If I wasn't so convinced that an intelligent fish was about to take my job as a webmaster, I'm sure I'd write up a hard-hitting investigative journalism piece explaining how we can fight back against the invisible space rock-tossing alien menace.
Here's a new feature I just came up with: The Daily Dirt! Each writer will update this every day with any ideas, ramblings, opinions, notes, or personal crap they feel like. Think of it as a Livejournal without the plugin explaining what mp3 we're listening to. If you're interested in learning a little something more behind Something Awful, check it out!