Something Awful Endorses for the Third and Final Time
Feel the excitement and the energy!
There are so very many reasons to support the Presidential aspirations of Senator McCain, far too many to list in their entirety here. Chief among our reasons for supporting John McCain were:
His robust and wizened support base. John McCain has the most experienced supporters of any candidate remaining in the contest. At a critical time in our nation's history we believe that we need voters who have the experience to choose the person to lead our country. While Barack Obama is cavorting around with teenage hussies, Senator John McCain has a reliable base of voters well versed in things visible when they squint at the crawl on Fox News. Did that say Osama is visiting West Virginia? Yes it did, Mr. and Mrs. McCain voter.
Represents both the past and the future of our great nation. He's like starting this great level called America over on our second life or like the Sports Almanac used to pick winning teams and build our empire of casinos, only in reverse, and with bombs.
He is against regulating the banking industry. We don't know why anyone would do that, but we do know one thing for sure: regulation sucks. Have you ever seen the prices on NFL regulation jerseys? That's like a nine dollar shirt that costs 75 dollars. Now apply that to banking.
Wants us to win in Iraq, not just give up. He's still working on the specifics of the complex issues like "winning" and "victory", but no matter what we can't lose. And when you think about it, spending the next eight years doing the exact same thing is not losing in Iraq, which you could say is a form of winning.
Can survive plane crashes. He has crashed five of them and blew up his own aircraft carrier, so he's got to be pretty good at getting out of sticky situations. That's a valuable skill for a President. Hopefully he can get out of the next jam without needing to spend five years in a prison camp.
He looks more like us than Obama. Well, he looks like us if you put our pictures into that age progression software the cops use to look for missing kids. And we went missing in Bible times. And there was a drop down where you could set "got so much face cancer they're starting to turn into a Blockhead from Gumby."
Totally unstoppable. McCain wasn't just in the Keating Five, he took the most money of any of the Senators involved. And now he's running as a straight-shooter! We're pretty sick of backing a loser, but this guy is unstoppable!
Something Awful is proud to endorse Senator John McCain in his bid for President of the United States of America. He is tough on terrorism, tough on poor people, and tough on health care. John McCain is a leader we can believe in.