Society of Amateur Time Travelers Update for 12 September 2012
Hark! Before you is the top secret log of historical changes presided over by the Society of Amateur Time Travelers. We endeavor to protect the timeline from malfeasance and tampering, and strive to witness firsthand the greatest moments in history. Should our observations accidentally alter the flow of time, we work tirelessly to repair the damage.
Society members, please review today's log before departing the present. These changes are critical to your understanding of the past and future.
- Society member Jeff accidentally brought King Tut to the present, where it turns out he is super, super racist.
- Society member Ryan's carelessness led to Juggalo clown makeup becoming hugely popular with 18th century French fops. This aberration has since been fixed.
- A mistake that briefly caused Thomas Jefferson's tomb to read "Cheese and Pepperoni" has been corrected by Society member Ryan.
- Society member Taylor left his NASA t-shirt in Renaissance Italy, resulting in Italy winning the Space Race hundreds of years ahead of the United States.
- Please utilize extra sensitivity around Society member Louis, who went back in time to try to fix the Star Wars prequels and accidentally caused himself to be born a girl.
- R.I.P. Society member Tad, who tried to influence the course of history to more closely resemble Final Fantasy and was crushed under the weight of his own gargantuan hairdo.
- Society member Travis has been reprimanded for briefly preventing human civilization from ever happening. He traveled back in time and appointed himself leader of a crucial hunter-gatherer tribe, which collapsed as a result of him trying to run it according to the teachings of Ron Paul.
- Society member Steve defeated Genghis Khan in a 5-hour game of Settlers of Catan. The victory was erased from the timeline for safety. Steve will next be challenging Hannibal to a game of Carcassonne.
- All records of the time Sophocles had a van he drove around Greece have been purged from history thanks to a thorough audit from Society Elders.
- Society Elders successfully--and very, very carefully--removed the last of Society member Jon's pubes from the Library of Alexandria
- Society member Brad mistakenly gave Napoleon a pair of Air Yeezys, giving him a tactical advantage and causing France to become the dominant superpower in the world. Society members Beau and Alan managed to revert this change.
- R.I.P. Society member Gerald. He tried to prove 9/11 was an inside job by traveling back in time and causing it, but was eaten by a dinosaur in the process.
- Society member Ron heroically prevented Hitler from winning a Grammy, and managed to undo the disastrous "Hitler's Golden Voice" temporal deviation fiasco.
- Society member Ajax traveled back in time to prevent Society member Chip from losing fifty cents to a faulty vending machine.
- Fixed an anomaly whereby a group of pimply Scottish teenagers called the Bay City Rollers became briefly famous.
- Society member Darrel lost a mix tape in the Middle Ages, causing the Black Eyed Peas to form hundreds of years early.
- Society member Ron and the sexbot he brought back from the future have broken up. The sexbot is now dating Society member Stan. Ron and Stan are no longer speaking.
- R.I.P. Society member Dave. Due to his recent weight gain, Dave was unable to fully fit through the rift in the fabric of spacetime created by his Temporal Shifter, causing most of his buttocks and thighs to be transported to ancient Babylon while the rest of him remained in the present.
- Welcome new Society member Dave! Dave is the younger version of the Dave who died. He has yet to be dumped by Stacy so he hasn't gained the massive amount of weight that led to his demise, although he will soon so please be supportive.
- Society member Carl has been reprimanded for stealing Helen of Troy's underwear and wearing them. Not cool, Carl. That's just weird.