Some people say that the guests on my television show are predatory snake oil salesmen, that I abandon my ethics every time I stand before an audience of displaced Oprah fans and shill for pseudoscience while proclaiming that western medicine is outdated and closed-minded. Others have not seen the show.
In every episode, I toss out a few unconventional and seemingly forward-thinking tips. By simply doing these things each and every day I claim that you will live longer and be healthier. These tips usually happen to involve a guest's book or product line, but I assure you that's just a coincidence.
It's simple, really. Just do each of these things today and every day for the rest of your life. Why spend money on doctors and their nefarious schemes to sell prescriptions that you don't really need when you can follow these simple and useful tips while buying the associated products?
Health Tip: Rub some Soothing Health Caffeine hand lotion on your neck. The caffeine will give you as much of a boost as a cup of coffee, and putting the lotion on your neck will let the soothing energy get to your brain much more quickly than if you rubbed it on your hands.
Health Tip: Witness a UFO. The excitement will get your heart pumping, provided much-needed blood to your body parts. Refer to Jake Realname's handy book "How To Spot A UFO" to make this much easier, and buy his "UFO Saucer Identification Manual" to figure out what type of UFO you just saw.
Health Tip: Eat three tablespoons of Nutri-Mazing cinnamon extract powder to restore your sex drive and get rid of pesky wrinkles. Do not drink any liquid - including water - for 24 hours before and after ingesting the powder.
Health Tip: Spend 5 minutes earnestly trying to will the universe to kill all those who doubt me. Sometimes we allow self-proclaimed skeptics to come on the show. These haters question my willingness to ignore scientific principles, and openly doubt my right to make proclamations about the effectiveness of products that have not been tested in clinical trials (which are alway run by Big Medicine, which does not have your interests in mind). Of course, they never have an answer for my questions "Are you always so negative?" and "Why don't you want to let people have the freedom to be healthy however they want?" Well, sometimes they do have answers. Thankfully, we edit those out.
Health Tip: Peel a banana and cut approximately half an inch off of each end. Stuff one piece up each nostril and keep it there. As it dissolves throughout the day, its nutrients will seep into your nervous system and flush out any toxins.
Health Tip: Have you heard about Eyelid Miracle Vitamins, which contain a wonder root that will practically make you invincible? Oh, it's great. My wife and dog love it. Just place a vitamin under each eyelid every morning. You know, like a contact lens, but good for you. This product is three weeks old and it has already been proven to extend the lifespan of its consumers by three hundred years.
Health Tip: Before you leave the house in the morning, spin in place seven times. This does two things. The spinning motion confuses cancer cells, keeping them from growing or even taking hold in the first place. They will simply pass out of your system with your hourly Ginko Baloba power pee. Secondly, upon completing the spin your mind will force itself to adjust its equilibriums. This snaps your brain into focus, improving alertness throughout the rest of the day. Of course, we recommend that you do all of your spinning on a Global Health Spin Mat.
Health Tip: Stand naked in front of a mirror and tell yourself "I will be healthy today." Put on underwear, then stand in front of the same mirror and tell yourself "I will wear underwear today." Repeat the process for every item of clothing. When you're finished, thank the mirror store owner for his time, but firmly tell him that you will not be buying anything today.
Health Tip: Take a mid-afternoon bath in oatmeal. Not a whole bathtub of oatmeal. Don't be crazy! I'm talking about a single packet of instant oatmeal with no water. Spread it all over your entire body, being very careful not to get ANY on your hands. The healing powers of this wonder element will draw out any toxins in your body, along with fat cells in those problematic areas like your hips and thighs.
Health Tip: If you're going to be in any given location for more than a few minutes, walk around the perimeter while liberally spritzing the air with a Monster Cable brand Chemtrail Removal Kit. The patented mixture will clear up any toxic trails left by suspicious jet airplanes. It has the added benefit of blocking all chemtrail-related surveillance from left-leaning wacko Obama government agents while allowing surveillance from common sense agents who just want to stop terrorism and illegal immigration and big government. Be sure to buy the Monster Cable brand. Their spritzers are the only ones with patented gold-plated delivery nozzles, which ensure maximum chemtrail dispersal.
Ferguson's long arm of the law laments the latest cutback.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.