USA vs. The World: Round 1
As each day flows by like urine under a bridge, it becomes increasingly clear that the great US of A is sincerely looking to blow up some country to HE of LL with our massive quantity of BO of MBS. After all, what's a better way to boost productivity and gain valuable brownie points from voters than by causing mud huts in some foreign country to explode? We Americans take pride in our advanced, 29th-century, futuristic weaponry which includes such wondrous inventions as "the unbelievably heavy bomb" and "the unbelievably heavy missile which is guided by a tiny robotic gnome inside the missile's warhead." Plus we have tanks that shoot exploding things, small devices which display a series of numbers (which mean something to somebody somewhere), and various other high tech gadgetry resembling discontinued products from The Sharper Image. Despite all these cool items which cause people to die, America does not yet have a concrete enemy to focus them all on, mainly because we're all too busy worrying about who will win FOX's new reality-based show, "19 Semi-Naked Females Living in a House With a Disguised Sex Offender."
As George "W." W. Bush Jr. once boldly stated in a press conference labeled "Too Hot For Television" by the producers of The Jerry Springer Show, America currently has three main enemies: Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. They have been comically labeled "The Axis of Evil" despite the fact that there's no axis running through them, and if there was, it would be a really silly looking axis. Each and every day, while we ignorantly logon to the Internet and check our favorite lesbian nurse porn sites, these rogue nations are busy threatening our very existence. To help you all know why you should be teaching your children to duck and cover once again, today we will look at each member of this horrible "Axis of Evil," evaluate how threatening they are, and roughly estimate the chance they'll cause the skulls of you and your loved ones to combust like Roman Candles in a furnace.
AXIS OF EVIL VILLIAN #1: IRAN
Any religious scholar will tell you that Muslims are born to have one meaning and purpose in life: blow up Americans. There's really no way to debate this, as if you'll simply open up The Big Muslim Holy Book and turn to page 4,283, you will see this nefarious message:
Allah is great, Allah is swell, Allah is the best.
He says to explode America with bombs strapped to your chest.
As you can see, this primitive poetry inspires hateful, dangerous activities unfit for the elderly or children under the age of eight, and all Muslims are therefore evil. Many Muslims claim that their religion is peaceful and simply teaches a system of virtues that help them better their lives, but members of the "Religious Right" in America claim that's a flat-out lie. I have no reason to doubt anything the Religious Right tells me because hey, how did they get the name "Religious Right" if it wasn't for the fact that they're always right about religion? Besides, I've seen late night Christian television shows where they expel demons from unfortunate victims simply by accepting large sums of money from that person, and if that's not just the ultimate sign of power then I don't know what is.
Regardless, Iran is yet another one of those pesky countries apparently attempting to acquire weapons of mass destruction for some nefarious reason, perhaps to destroy the moon. Some critics claim that Iran is a scant three years away from achieving their noble goal of "creating huge fucking missiles," so we must act now and immediately begin calling them names and alienating them at every possible chance (standard US diplomatic strategy). One of the most staunch supporters of this policy is Israel, the little kid brother country in the Middle East who is always getting sand kicked in his eyes by schoolyard bullies. It's our patriotic duty as god-fearing Americans to protect Israel because we know, in our heart of hearts, that if America was suddenly at war with Canada, the entire Israeli army would come to our aid within hours, assuming they have boats. Do the Israelis even have any boats which haven't been destroyed in terrorist attacks? It doesn't really even matter since the Jews have a US-supported religion ranking near the top of the charts, whereas Muslims are down at the bottom near "The Cult of Cousin Larry" and that one group of people who stabbed each other in the face because they thought the UFOs were coming to take them to Transylvania.
As far as I know, Iran doesn't really pose much threat to anybody except maybe themselves, since if they ever accidentally stumble upon the key elements to produce a nuclear bomb, they'll undoubtedly end up blowing up their sole two sources of income in their country, an oil rig and nearby McDonalds. Bush doesn't like the Iranians because they encourage terrorism and anti-American sentiment by saying things like "Go Terrorists!" and "Iran rulez; USA droolz." So instead of negotiating with their country, we have decided to simply slap on ye olde "Axis of Evil" stamp across them and maybe we'll toss a few bombs their way a couple years into the future after we've finished up all the important shit we have to do first, like wash the car and write that stupid term paper for English 302.THREAT LEVEL: 1 (out of 10; they might be hatching some fiendish plot to ship crates of burning flags to America labeled "BABEY FOODS")
CHANCE THEY'LL BLOW YOU UP: 7% (You could take a wrong turn when looking for a Denny's late one night, end up in Iran, and get blown up when one of their crates of suicide sand explode)
AXIS OF EVIL VILLIAN #2: IRAQ
Iraq may seem like Iran upon first glance; however, after careful inspection I have determined that one has a "n" in their name while the other has a "q." Please don't ask me which, as my detailed notes regarding this phenomenon were mysteriously erased once my hand got sweaty and the ink ran off. One glowing difference that separates Iraq from other rogue nations such as Iran or Texas is their leader, Saddam Hussein, who is simply the most evil man since Hitler or Satan or the guy who writes "Family Circus." Saddam Hussein, from what I can gather, is intensely evil because he has a silly mustache and encourages his citizens to burn American flags when they can't even afford to buy them. This kind of economic shortsightedness has led to the current embargo their nation faces, one in which their main export of preciousss, preciousss oil can only be used to purchase used Band-Aids and the cheap Mexican imitation version of Nyquil.
I'm not sure what Iraq has done to make America so mad at them besides transmit crazy political speeches which make no sense. Saddam regularly makes radio broadcasts which were created by "Late Night With Jay Leno" writers who were fired on account of them being too entertaining. These longwinded, 20-hour long speeches are full of rambling, incoherent, downright goofy claims such as the following diatribe which took place on April 19th, 2002, shortly after Saddam woke up from having a dream about a giant squid sitting on his head and impregnating his brain with golden eggs. Please excuse the poor English, as I had to use Altavista Bablefish online translation service:
"The Great Satan US of America has repeatedly deflied our wishes and the wishes of The Great Allah ™, and has suffered for it. Allah has smashed down their precious World Trading Central Towers with lightning bolts from of all the skies. Half of America is infected with such "computer virus" which cause them death upon thems all at a enunciating rate. The America economy now has a $19 and bus spare tokens while great Iraq has enough moneys to purchase a of the whole world. America will kills all the people of the world while The Great Allah ™ will cleans your house gutters for of no service charge. Do not trusts the American lies of Jews and / or Zionists! The Americans are turning into chocolate mummies as I speak this, under terror of The Great Allah ™! Rejoice and be faithful for if this America tries to attack our great peaceful nation, Allah will personally came down with his Jet Car and shoots all of the missiles at their country and results in massive deaths! The survivors will flee into ocean and become fish which we shall be of eating them all! The Great Allah ™ has lowest mortgage interest rates in five years so start believing this now for this of your children's future! If you does believes in The Great Allah ™, then when American Satan attack comes, sand ground will be turning into an horrible monster being of epic proportions and will shoots the laser beams from eyes to destroy Evil America! The Great Allah ™ is also being friends with Gamera in addition!"
The speech went on for roughly nine more days, but I didn't bother translating it all because I keep seeing mental images of Saddam and his goofy moustache, making me laugh and forget what I was doing. Haha, what a mustache, Dorktator Hussein! That was a little play on words right there, I combined the word "dictator" with "dork" and came up with that delightful new phrase. If you ever use it, make sure to send me $10 because I copyrighted it.
America's struggle with Iraq dates back to around 1953, possibly even earlier if I was less lazy and wanted to write more bullshit, when the CIA sprung a happy surprise coup, put the Shah in power of Iran and decided to split Iraq with the British, our fluoride-impoverished pals with the silly flag. About five years afterwards, when the Iraqi citizens noticed that the US was controlling their preciousss, preciousss oil, they decided to revolt and things immediately got revolting in Iraq. The filthy US / British soldiers were kicked out and Iraq teamed up with world-renowned bad guy Russia (then known as the "USSR" or "Homeland of Zangief") to do whatever nefarious things were done during the cold war, such as play Tic-Tac-Toe with Matthew Broderick. Soon Iran and Iraq began bickering about things such as "oh my God, you did NOT just look at my boyfriend that way" and "oh snap, you'd bettah check yo'self before you wreck yo'self, sister," and they started flinging explosives back and forth for a few years. Unfortunately they didn't kill each other and are instead now united under the common theme of "America fucking sucks, yo." This, combined with their precioussss, precioussss oil makes them a viable threat to us in some way that I don't yet understand. I think it has something to do with Israel or Gamera.THREAT LEVEL: 4 (out of 10; Saddam's mustache alone raised their threat level by two points)
CHANCE THEY'LL BLOW YOU UP: 24% (Since we seem really keen to be throwing troops into combat there, some of them run the risk of plunging to their death after they fall off a rope from a military helicopter)
AXIS OF EVIL VILLIAN #3: NORTH KOREA
Out of the three evil countries, North Korea is probably the only one that actually poses a viable threat to anybody outside a nine-mile radius of their nation. They already have nuclear weapons and are more than happy to use them, unlike Iraq and Iran, who just recently figured out how to make their own weather balloons. North Korea is one of the few remaining evil Commie countries with a powerful military, as Russia abandoned Communism in the 1980's and instead adopted their current political policy of being "fucking broke." I think Russia now has a total of nine soldiers, three of them unaware that they are enlisted. North Korea has about a billion Commie drone soldiers, probably armed with flamethrowers and laser cannons, massive amounts of exploding devices, and nuclear warheads capable of possibly reaching us if they stopped to refuel in a gas station during mid-flight. Naturally, North Korea is the country we pay the least amount of attention to, despite the fact that they are constantly making the news on a daily basis by calling us mean names and claiming to nuke the entire planet unless we hand over Captain Planet and his inpet squad of Planeteers.
North Korea's diplomatic strategy is one that dates back to, shit, I don't know, some time between 1900 and 2000, where the agressive Communist nation tries to force bargaining by threatening to blow everybody up if people don't start listening to their crazy demands. This procedure obviously works very well, what with the impressive economic success of Cuba and other communist nations like... uh... Cuba. North Korea is the only Axis of Evil partner whom we absolutely, 100% know has nuclear warheads, yet we don't really seem too phased by it. Perhaps they're just not close enough to Israel for us to care, or maybe all thier precioussss, precioussss oil magically turned into topsoil one night. Other cunning strategies North Korea has chosen to use include starving their own citizens, placing random people into prison camps, and putting to use the untapped power of impoverished child labor. Many of their nuclear missiles were in fact built by starving nine-year olds, as can be seen in photos of missiles with the words "NORK CORIA" scrawled across them in red crayon. They also lack the "INSPECTED BY #14" tag that many quality products these days are associated with.
If that wasn't enough to make them an actual, bonafied, card-carrying member of the Axis of Evil club, they apparently also test out Anthrax on their own citizens and dunk them under freezing water to see how long they can survive (medical reports: "not long"). All the food sent from foreign aid funds is not distributed among the poor, but instead goes to the soldiers and ruling class who, according to international estimates, now each weigh over 800 pounds. In fact, North Korea has so much excess food now that they've decided to perform scientific experiments on them, such as exposing them to Anthrax and dunking them under freezing water to see how long they can survive (medical reports: "much longer than humans"). As long as it doesn't involve feeding their own citizens, they're pretty much okay with whatever happens to the food.THREAT LEVEL: 8 (out of 10; they might attack South Korea and we can't have that because our military is currently using South Korea as bases for rape training)
CHANCE THEY'LL BLOW YOU UP: 38% (Even if you're not a pinko Commie rat-bastard, the North Koreans probably still want to kill you, or at least inject Drano into your neck and record the results)
So those are the three major villians America is currently up against, the Larry, Curly, and Stalin "Three Stooges" forming the nefarious Axis of Evil. I'm not exactly sure why our priorities seem to be primarily focused on the non-threatening nations more than North Korea, but like I said, you can't really put Israel on wheels and push it a few thousand miles towards the East. Perhaps the army is planning on exploding the dirt farmers and sand queens in Iran / Iraq while we wait it out and sit patiently as the North Korean soldiers bulk up to 1,000 pounds each, at which point we'll storm in and attack with flying turkey basters. In the meantime, sit back and enjoy your lesbian nurse porn while George "George" W. Bush Jr. picks up the slack and decides which weakest Axis of Evil we should make explode first.
Fightin' and Rapin'
Zack "I Play Too Many Hentai Games" Parsons here with an all new Hentai Game Review. This week I have decided to test my might in the fighting arena of "Battle Raper: HYPER REALACTION". I'm not sure if thats "Real Action" or "Re-Alaction", either way, it's a 3D fighter that includes a lot of raping!
Just like any other fighting game you are placed in a fairly limited arena with your opponent and encouraged by a timer to beat the shit out of them. The controls for your character are very clumsy, making it difficult to know what buttons to press when. The attacks at your disposal are also limited to a mixture of punches, kicks, grapples, and a few special moves. Adding to the frustration of the mediocre controls is the fact that every time you actually do press buttons they apparently are transmitted to your onscreen persona by some sort of mounted courier or possibly smoke signal. To say the game is unresponsive is like saying that a video of your grandmother giving a horse a rimjob is not the most erotic thing in the world. While you and your opponent stiffly animate around, making attacks as if you're immersed in paste, various meters raise and lower depending on how well you're doing
If you like fighting games and also raping games then this game is for you! Head on over and read my review!