I've never written a Daily Dirt, so here goes!
Three sections of my life:
I'm watching Goldeneye right now. I can't believe this movie came out in 1995. It hasn't aged well, but neither have I.
My springbreak was the last week of February. Not an exciting time. One day my toothpaste fell off the sink and landed against the heating vent. The tube remained against the vent all day, being constantly blown by the furnace. I picked it up that evening and found that the toothpaste left my mouth feeling clean not by clearing the taste of barbeque chips, but by burning my taste buds off. That was the highlight of my spring break.
A foot of snow got in my way while I wrote today's update. I had written a large chunk last week, but planned on finishing it Saturday afternoon. This plan was ruined when I was stranded at my girlfriends under some sort of snow emergency. Trying to save time, I wrote the missing pieces and emailed them to myself, so I could paste the whole thing together once I got home. I trudged through the snow with a handful of children who were on their way to a private sledding hill. Once home, I found that the internet was down. So my article was stranded on two different laptops a few miles apart. I gathered my laptop, an extra change of clothes, and an old slice of Red Velvet cake, and started walking back to my girlfriends to finish the update. I didn't know what else to do. While walking back, I thought about the cliche grandparents' story about walking somewhere in the snow, uphill, in the snow. So I was reliving some grueling experience of their childhood mixed modern technology. I was The Postman with Kevin Costner, but somehow more pathetic. The Article always gets uploaded.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Youtube user HolkHogan420 has been systematically exposing all of the Illuminati's plans.
The Daily Dirt serves as a column for all Something Awful frontpage writers to write about, well, whatever they feel like putting into the Daily Dirt!