The State Og company picnic is slated for next weekend, and it promises to be a real kick! Last year's picnic went off without a hitch, uniting employees of all creeds and ranks, and eliminating hundreds of unnecessary deadbeats according to Darwin's laws of natural selection. For those of you that lost their memories from severe head trauma (and there are a few of you, I know), last year's games included:
The Original Scottish Log Toss! We brought in a dozen huge men straight from the moors of Scotland to teach the employees' children how to have fun the Scottish way, and it was a tremendous success. "It's raining logs!" whooped Johnny Witherspoon, age five, before being hit in the face by a three hundred pound oak slab. In an expected victory, regional champion Angus McCloud went home with the Log Toss trophy, three sheep from the State Og farm, and a necklace made of Johnny Witherspoon's shattered, bloody teeth.
Thou Must Die! Inspired by the fun-filled activities of our own Society for Anachronistic Violence And Gory Entertainment (or SAVAGE), Thou Must Die was a fun-filled, blood-soaked treat for the whole family, hearkening back to the glory days of the Roman Empire. It included the games "No Legs For You", "Mace-in-the-Face", and everybody's favorite, "Christians vs. Lions: Where Is Your God Now?" This year we're bringing back the "Thou Must Die" competition so you too can relive the thrill of the hit movie "Gladiator" as you fend off other contestants and, in the more difficult stages, hordes of pillaging Visigoths.
Kill The Survivors! This is for everyone who somehow managed to endure the first two competitions. We put all the survivors' wheelchair-bound, exhausted asses out in the middle of a cornfield, where they would futilely attempt to wheel themselves away from the official State Og Combine Harvester. Every contestant lost, but on a more positive note, this year’s corn crop is growing very well.
The State Og TV Channel is a big hit! Our quality programming, including Barney P.I. and Videodrome, fully complies with FCC regulations, now that the FCC headquarters has mysteriously burned down. Our game show, "Who Wants to Leave This Room Alive?" , combines the thrill of a game show with the white-knuckle action of a jumbo-jet collision. The Piranha Tank episode, our biggest ratings hit to date, reaped in millions of viewers who wanted to know if a swarm of carnivorous fish could really skeletonise contestant Doug Bennett in less than ten minutes (answer: yes, they could).
Ron Popeil's Home Catapult is now in production! Ron Popeil, after gibbering incoherently about the daemons in his brain, took the time to endorse the home version of everybody’s favorite mediaeval siege weapon. Now you, too, can make the neighborhood a more exciting place by flinging bags of flaming gunpowder through your neighbor's roof! Imagine the fun! The Home Catapult comes with ten cast-iron spheres, a trailer full of plague-infested livestock, and a sack full of aerodynamic scrap metal (perfect for those outdoor pool-parties). Only $665.99 per catapult.
State Og’s charity fund drive is going very well; so far we’ve netted over three million dollars from bake-offs, craft fairs, prostitution, and contract killing, and we have donated it to a variety of charities, including:
Joke of the Day:
Q: How does Sam Grob, State Og assembly-line worker, change a lightbulb?A: He doesn’t! He fell into the processing machine and lost both his arms! Hahahahha!
You’ve read about it in the newspaper. You’ve seen it on TV. If you live in a State Og residential complex, you’ve noticed it in your tap water. It’s plutonium, the element that keeps on giving! Unfortunately, we cannot print the guide to the more creative uses of plutonium, because the Environmental Protection Agency has deemed it, "the 2633rd most horribly dangerous thing to ever come out of State Og." What a bunch of sissies. In response, we have sent the EPA a whole crate of free plutonium, die-cast in the shape of everyday ballpoint pens and office equipment. We’ll show them that yes, you can have fun With Plutonium. Or at least we can. Who the hell cares about you?
State Og’s ever-popular fruit drink, Sunny-Enjoyment, now comes in three different flavors: orange, grape, and Phosphoroxin QX-6K01. The newest two flavors, orange and grape, were the subject of a recent taste test at a State Og warehouse in New York. Here’s how the lucky taste-testers responded:
Claire Jenkins, of Peckwood, Illinois, has just won our cruise-ship giveaway! According to the microscopic Sanskrit fine-print at the bottom of her contract (which we assume she read, since she signed it), Claire is to be shipped halfway to Europe, rendered unconscious, and tossed overboard to appease the dark gods of the sea. Congratulations, Claire!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!