Zack: Ancient prophecy of a legend foretells of a beautiful princess named Argenta who long ago had a palace and in it she had a magnificent ruby as large as an apple. Then the princess had a party and a creepy dude who came to steal the ruby was eyeballing her ravishing curves. Then some dwarves died and a dragon burned everything and there might have been a man riding the dragon.
Steve: Tell me more about this fine princess. Is she ready to do it?
Zack: She disappeared long ago. No one knows what happened.
Steve: Ah man, so where is Yngwulf?
Zack: You are sitting in a tavern eating owl pie.
Steve: I am going to push aside the owl pie with a bellow of Northman's fury and get upon the table and begin to romantically shred licks from my guitar to influence the loins of any receptive wench.
Zack: Everyone in the tavern stops what they are doing and watches in awe. By the way, only men work in this tavern. The tavern called The Pipelayer's Folly.
Steve: Is this a gay tavern?
Steve: I will finish the song I am shredding entitled Lusty Demon's Hollow Blood Bones because I don't want to offend anyone and then I'm going to get down off the table.
Zack: After you are done shredding you sit back down and one of the waiters comes over and he seems very friendly.
Steve: "Hail and well met, gay sir. I am a traveling adventurer in search of inspirations for my next album. Do you know of any adventures in the vicinity to which I can apply my metal wrath?"Zack: "Is it a gay album?"
Steve: I had not really considered the gayness of the album. Does he mean gay in the Journey sense or gay in the dudes feeling up dudes sense?Zack: Both. He informs you that a great treasure is hidden in the ruined Palace of the Silver Princess. He also tells you that the last descendant of the Princess, Lady D'hmiss, has promised a reward to anyone who can bring her that giant ruby. She is the Baroness of Gulluvia, that land you are in.
Steve: It sounds like just the sort of lead I am looking for! I bellow, "Thank you, your gayness, might I trouble you for directions to the Palace of the Silver Princess?"Zack: He gives you directions to the north, but he refers to landmarks you aren't familiar with.
Steve: I will nod like I pretend I know what landmarks he is talking about and then go outside and immediately forget all of his directions. Then I am setting off north, most heroic of directions!Zack: The Adventure Commenceth!
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.