Leather Swashbuckler II

Dr. Thorpe:I've never seen Zorro look so heterosexual.

Zack:I don't think that's Zorro. I'm pretty sure I saw this guy on Xena giving Xena amnesia so that she tries to kill Gabrielle or something.

Dr. Thorpe:Fucking Swashbucklers, always messing up ultra-softcore TV lesbian love affairs with their good looks and their amnesia drugs.

Zack:I hate to comment on a man's hips, but this dude hardly qualifies as a man so what the hell is going on with his hips? He's built like a funnel.

Dr. Thorpe:Well, maybe it just looks like he has no hips because this photo captures him in mid-mince. Or maybe he looks like Casper the Friendly Ghost, he just sort of has a little wisp that comes to a point. Or maybe he just has one big giant leg that ends in one big foot down there, and that's why his shirt laces up like that. He's just wearing a giant boot.

Zack:I think that last one sounds the most plausible. He just sort of hops around with his giant leg smiling and thinking about all the oil he has to rub into his outfit to keep it from cracking.

Dr. Thorpe:He had to stand in neck-deep water for twelve hours to break in his boot-suit.

Zack:I imagine this guy as the leader of the world's least effective street gang. When demanding protection money three of these guys walk in and just start strutting around while a boom box plays a Cher clubmix CD. Actually that would probably be pretty effective.

Dr. Thorpe:Oh god, I would give them whatever they wanted just to make it stop.

Zack:Yeah, you wouldn't be intimidated but you'd pay up. Of course other street gangs would learn their lesson about the strut moves and just start picking them off from a distance with high powered rifles.

Dr. Thorpe:I don't know how well a bullet would penetrate what is essentially a giant catcher's mitt.

Zack:That's a good point if they are shooting them with guns that fire baseballs.

Dr. Thorpe:Don't you remember that Lil' Scrappy song "No Problem?" He say something that sounds distinctly like "I got big balls and bullets like baseballs." You gotta keep up with the streets if you want to talk about the gangsta lifestyle. Yes, Zack, nowadays bullets are like baseballs, and you ought to know that from listening to the crunk hits of our time.

Zack:I get all of my urban culture knowledge from the information rich pages of International Male catalogs. Is crunk like a kind of shirt?

Dr. Thorpe:No, it's more like a floor-length black trenchcoat with big silver buttons.

Zack:Man, that would be sweet to have the next time I'm falling down some steps.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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