Zackula: I wish this was the best selling costume this year. No, the ONLY costume this year that sold at all.

Zackula: Every group of kids that comes to the door is some tired looking parent and a bunch of tiny old men dancing around.

Dr. Thorpenstein: Yeah, if we divorce it from the context of being a B-list promotional mascot, it really is a pretty terrifying tiny old man costume.

Zackula: It is impossible to actually like the Six Flags commercials featuring this fucking thing, but as a piece of in situ horror I think it's solid.

Dr. Thorpenstein: It would be way scarier than hundreds of kids walking around dressed like the Noid or the Make 7-Up Yours guy.

Zackula: Although a latex Noid mask would be pretty goddamn terrifying too. Like a full head mask with realistic human detail.

Zackula: Or they could just take a cast of an actual Noid's head. But they're almost extinct.

Dr. Thorpenstein: I think the last living Noid is in the San Diego Zoo, just smoking cigarettes and waiting to die.

Dr. Thorpenstein: A few hundred kids in any costume would actually be pretty intense. Even if it were just a normal uniform, it would still have a weird North Korea vibe.

Zackula: Wouldn't put it past the Chinese to do it. Imagine all the costumes we've covered like ranks marching in a military parade.

Zackula: Here come the Mac-N-Cheeses. Here come the Tranny Amish. Here's the sexy 8-year-old girls. Everyone turn away.

Dr. Thorpenstein: Here come the double-nude Indians. Everyone is under arrest.

Zackula: By the stripper cop.

Dr. Thorpenstein: About 1% of our readers just chubbed up a little. If you're one of them, please report to the local police precinct for detainment and sterilization.

Zackula: To be performed by several children dressed in old man costumes.

Zackula: Dancing. Ceaseless dancing. Their eyes wild beneath their masks.

Dr. Thorpenstein: Come on, now you're just trying to get people aroused.


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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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