Zack: Oh man, it's like the good witch version of that other girl. Much less formal as well. It almost looks like a golden-armed spider is reaching out to grab her from behind.
Lowtax: Zack "Preppy" Morris in drag and being attacked by a golden centipede. Oh man, that's two "Saved by the Bell" references in one update. That should be illegal.
Zack: There are laws on the books but since Saved By the Bell was cancelled I think only Screech's Law is still commonly enforced. That's the one where you get sent to Uzbekistan if you make a joke about Mario Lopez raping Dustin Diamond in a public restroom.
Lowtax: I think she was watching a bunch of Hawaiian Hula dancers, and one of their leis flew off and stuck to her awesome sweatshirt, which as far as I can tell, is composed entirely of industrial strength glue.
Zack: Yeah, she's going to have a lot of trouble getting that fist off her hip. She's keeping her other hand on her head to make sure it doesn't get mired in the glue.
Lowtax: I'd like to find the man who came up with the glue wardrobe and give them a big pat on the back. Figuratively, of course.
Zack: Oh, like the creator wears the glue shirts. Do you think the guy who came up with hair shirts wore those? It's a form of torture, not something you would want to wear for fashion purposes. By the end of the day this girl is going to look like the bottom of a coin tray in a taxicab, covered with grime, pennies, cigarette ash, and pubic hair.
Lowtax: The first line of clothing exclusively created to clean taxi cabs. Somehow I don't see this selling all that well. Somebody apparently also shot a round of silver projectiles at her, but luckily the glue shirt caught them all before they could hit a major hair artery.
Zack: It's great if you're a parent and you want to know if your kid somersaults even though you told them not to. You'll find them at the bottom of a hill still rolled into a ball and covered with grass and leaves.
Lowtax: Everything about this picture screams "Texas." I don't know what it is.
Zack: I think it looks more like the Florida panhandle turned on its side. Or Africa. Maybe the glue is supposed to catch AIDS.
Lowtax: Then wouldn't the glue be on the inside of the shirt?
Zack: No, it's supposed to protect you in case an AIDS person explodes in a shower of blood or something. That's what happens, right? Like in Max Headroom?
Lowtax: Damn it Zack, that was my best zinger of the night and you just completely glossed over it. I'm turning the glue shirt on myself.
Zack: Don't do it!
Lowtax: By this time tomorrow, you will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if I did any somersaults.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.