Zack: If it weren't for the bowtie this girl would look like a 40th birthday cake. "You're Over the Hill, Tom!" Then a saucy version of the birthday song starts playing and she strips ruffles until she's showing off her lower back tattoo and C-section scars.
Lowtax: She's like an evil Vicki from "Small Wonder." I'm counting down until she finds an excuse to start spinning the couch on top her finger for absolutely no reason, while stunned adults look on with amazement.
Zack: That's the sort of thing regular Vicki would do. Evil Vicki would probably tear people's arms off or throw horses through walls.
Lowtax: No, she'd still spin the couch, but in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION. The direction of EVIL.
Zack: I'm pretty sure left or counter-clockwise is evil. It is the devil's direction.
Lowtax: That's why you always see the devil trying to turn back clocks. At least that's why I do.
Zack: "If I could turn back time" was a satanic incantation to attempt to set back clocks by hours.
Lowtax: The outfit looks like some weird cross between a prude and slutty version of a ballerina outfit, like the things cheerleaders wear during their odd football halftime shows where they break out the TV trays and dance around them for no reason. At least there's plenty of armpit room.
Zack: I think it looks more like the sort of thing a cocktail waitress would wear at a funeral. I can't imagine this being successfully marketed to anyone outside the service industry. "I'm so sorry about your loss. Would like another Hot Toddy?"
Lowtax: She's visibly upset because she went to punch the Star Trek kid and a couple rings from his armor came off on her fingers.
Zack: By the law of the dwarves she is now his wife.
Lowtax: You may now serve him a Virgin Lava Flow.
Zack: I bet when she gets really mad at him because he left the toilet seat up her face will turn red, smoke will come out of her ears, and that bowtie will spin around like a propeller.
Lowtax: And those hefty armpit bags will fill up with deadly gas, giving her the ability of limited flight.
Zack: I don't know, I think she can glide without that happening. She's like one of those webbed squirrels.
Lowtax: "For God's sake, don't tell Evil Vicki to put down the couch! You'll just infuriate her and we'll al risk the fury of her armpit bags and deadly tie! Just let her spin it counter-clockwise until she's done, Ted!"
Zack: And then she spins it too far and the devil is conjured, challenging poor Ted to a fiddlin' match for his immortal soul.
Lowtax: This is an awesome idea for a TV sitcom pilot.
Zack: Which is why it will never be made.
Lowtax: If I could only turn back time...
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.