Hailing from NYC at the tender age of 19 (or whatever, he's way too young), John V. makes it seem way too easy.
welcome back to physics. im your profs twin brother. he quit school after u all made fun of his tattoos. todays lesson is on quantum Manners— John V (@wettbutt) September 30, 2013
chicks like it when you text back a pic of a dumb cartoon raisin with the words "Raisin hell" every single time they ask what you're doing— John V (@wettbutt) December 3, 2013
Abbi is an NYC comedienne, writer, performer, and natural wit-- not to mention a must-follow!
People whose online dating bios say they drink socially have driven their car into someone's house.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 2, 2012
Music is just math after it's had a few drinks.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 18, 2013
Uhhhh. Yeah, no. Ok? Uhhh, yeah. Former Cybergoth Wayne aka Mike posts some really good tweets. And I say "former" Cybergoth because he was one for a really long time until this week. Good try at being a Cybergoth, Mike.
It's sexist that men die earlier than women. Also I haven't been to the doctor in 9 years because I'm insanely, wickedly tough— Good Smart Worker (@DinkMagic) October 25, 2013
You're so fucking sandwich I wish I was sandwich But I'm some leaves I'm a salad What the hell am I doing here I don't belong here— Good Smart Worker (@DinkMagic) October 25, 2013
Bro Pair is a lot smarter than me and I only pretend to know what he's talking about most of the time. He's also hilarious and a jewel of a person.
Just saw a commercial inviting me to join a class-action lawsuit if my son took anti-psychotic meds & grew breasts. That ship has sailed— Windy City Help Out (@Bro_Pair) November 17, 2013
Feral Child Only Exposed To Football Advertising Attempts To Drink And Fuck A Ford F-150— Windy City Help Out (@Bro_Pair) January 20, 2014
Comedienne, writer, actor, singer, and SNL alum also has one of the best signal-to-noise ratios in the dang business, if you ask me.
When my kids grow up, I'm gonna invite myself to dinner at their houses, demand mac n cheese, then tell them it's gross.— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 14, 2012
Husband reading Game of Thrones Night 1:How long's a fortnight? Night 2:How long's a fortnight again? Night 3:Google fortnight. This matters— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) June 13, 2012
Gloria is a news editor at Jezebel and writer at other popular things you enjoy at a regular basis. The business hasn't hardened her heart into a cold, stiff wad just yet.
CHELSEA MANNING?! But what if I'm uncomfortable explaining to my kids that I'm a bigoted asshole?— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) August 22, 2013
Does the technician say "I don't think you're ready for this jelly" before he gives Beyonce an ultrasound?— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) May 17, 2013
Emily writes, comedes, podcasts, and is consistently hilarious. Click on the follow button.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure's off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn't even have a shirt.— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) December 28, 2012
Garfield's favorite food is THE most labor intensive dish you could ask someone to make for you and he eats it in one bite like an asshole— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) May 3, 2013
A nice man from California with a bunch of good-ass tweets under his belt already. There are probably more coming.
Yo fuck websites that don't go back when you hit the back button unless you click a bunch of times really fast. Fuck ur shit for brains site— Big Ball Pervert (@Perfect_Beanis) August 12, 2013
This dildo fuckin sucks *throws dildo out of car window at 90 mph*— Big Ball Pervert (@Perfect_Beanis) February 22, 2011
Writer, mom, endless fountain of humor, and sometimes she tweets, too.
Hold your arms out, kids, while Mommy mists you with Febreze. Mommy's had a tad too much grownup juice to supervise a bath. Close your eyes.— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) November 15, 2010
Flipped the entire family off while they had their eyes closed during grace.— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) November 22, 2012
Nobody knows who Animal Drums is, and nobody likes Animal Drums. Don't click on any Animal Drums tweets except for these.
Coroner in charge of stomach content analysis: Uhhh looks like this one's just got more barf in it Jerry. This job is fuckin gross as shit.— Mike F (@animal_drums_) November 19, 2013
bodybuilder: On a good day I can lift 550, 600 pounds. me, drinking a beer on the couch: doesn't sound like that good of a day to me dude.— Mike F (@animal_drums_) January 19, 2014
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.