5. Delete your Internet history
Can a shovel kill a baby? How many steps can a baby fall down before it dies? What's a chloroform? How many calories are in a egg white? Jeeves knew the answers, but nobody has the right to know your searches. Not even the one about the best air-fresheners for the graveyard inside your Sunfire's smelly belly.
4. Time for a booze cruise
All these parties with that pungent Pontiac parked in the smell zone aren't doing you any good. Time to head down to the beach and beyond, for bros and brews and a booze cruise. Maybe if you pay enough you can get them to sail out to international waters and dispose of...nah...too many witnesses.
Meanwhile, you keep staring at the sun remembering that baby face from Teletubbies. That's not her face in the sun! You're going to make yourself blind. Knock it off, silly!
3. Scare animals away from the trunk of your car
It's that dog again sniffing at your car trunk! This is getting ridiculous. Maybe you should buy a pellet gun or something. Anything to scare away those raccoons before they figure out how to work the trunk release. What are those, vultures? You've already had to kick over a bunch of ant hills. Maybe you could just get some of those Mummy scarabs.
2. Get a way-hot tattoo
Show your love for life, as long as it's not boring old baby life, with a fun tattoo. You can turn it into a girl's night out. You can all get a little tipsy and go down to the tattoo shop and all ask for painfully ironic tattoos like your slutty friend Cassy can get angel wings and maybe you could get a full-back mural picture of your daughter and BEST MOM EVER. There's no way any of this will ever come back to haunt you.
1. Construct a fictional evil nanny character and call the police
Yes, hello, officer, I'd like to report that my dumb baby was took by Zurba Hootervillain and her sister She-ra Crimesmith in their 1927 purple Rolls-Royce Phantom and they said they were headed for France. No this really really really happened. Yes, it happened. Yes. 30 days ago. I was afraid to call you because they said if I told the police they were going to suffocate her and put her in the woods behind...ooooohhhh...can we start over?
Okay...it was a black man. Two black men...
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.