So you've got a dead toddler on your hands and you decided it should spend some time in your trunk. Car or steamer, we're not asking any questions, but with baby going bad in the boot what are you going to do with your newly regained freedom? We've got eight ways to put your putrefying progeny out of your mind and make this a summer to remember!
8. Get wasted
No better way to forget about that rascally rotting tot than some hard lemonades. Did you know there's not even any tea in a Long Island iced tea? If that's not enough you can take deep breaths of weed smoke.
Try not to think about the reality that the little baby girl cooped up in your Sunfire's stink-zone can never breathe a weed smoke again. Not even if you blow weed puffs right into her face how she likes. Hug your friends and ask them if you're a good mom. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Haha, you're sooooo wasted!
7. Lay awake at night
Stare at the ceiling listening to the sounds in your house. What is this, Night of the Living Stupid Asphyxiated Unwanted Baby Who Got in the Way of Mommy's Fun? If she was so smart then why is she in the trunk and you're in the bed? Survival of the fittest. Nope, just the wind.
Wait. What if she has Tupac powers? Check bargain bins at Coconuts tomorrow for posthumous CDs, whatever that means.
6. Have a wild party
Getting drunk with a few friends is a good start, but if you really want to get that stinky brat out of your head there's no better way to celebrate this nation than a Fourth of July party. Invite over a few of your most frosted friends, tell them to bring their abs and tramp stamps and plenty of ketamine.
Maybe Vince will bring his karaoke machine. You can get shit-faced and sing Ke$ha while your brood is losing flesh off her face and gross eyes popping with coffin flies. While that tyke is disintegrating you'll be practicing procreating. Drink cheap wine and snort ice lines, pop pills in the morning to turn pluses into minus signs.
Mini Makaveli haunting your pissy passed-out dreams.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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