Zack: My usual partner in crime, Dr. Thorpe, was forced to cancel our appointment to write this installment of Fashion SWAT at the very last minute. In an effort to find a suitable replacement I noticed Steve "Malak" Sumner was on AIM. He was all too happy to attempt to fill Dr. Thorpe's substantial shoes.
Steve: Yeah, I am really excited about doing this one. We're doing something about calendar babes and I am pretty expert on babes. I hope you enjoy this article!
Zack: This week we're taking a look at the Stacked & Packed calendars of women with guns produced and sold by conservative radio host G. Gordon Liddy. If you like creepy looking women in awkward lingerie holding guns then you will love this installment of Fashion SWAT!
Zack: I'm glad to see Captain Howdy is still getting work.
Steve: Who is that?
Zack: He's that gray demonic face that appears suddenly in The Exorcist.
Steve: I don't remember that.
Zack: A lot of people think it's one of the scariest aspects of The Exorcist.
Steve: It was pretty creepy when the possessed girl was coming down stairs with her head backwards.
Zack: Yes, Steve, that was pretty scary.
Steve: Did you see that Exorcist with the church buried underground?
Zack: The new one? No.
Steve: Yeah, that one was pretty sweet too. There was this crazy part where these tribesmen go nuts and have this huge battle with these soldiers. People get stabbed and chopped in the face with axes. That one is probably the best Exorcist because it's scary and it has a lot of action.
Zack: Like the Aliens of the Exorcist movies.
Steve: No, it's not in space.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.