The coupon business is not going quite as well as we hoped. In an effort to streamline operations and cut costs, the Groupon main office in Chicago, and our satellite offices around the country, will be reducing or altering the amenities offered to employees. We value everyone on the Groupon team and we are only cutting back in an effort to retain coupon talent. Thank you for your understanding.
The cat sitters will no longer be making house calls and we are discontinuing our dog coach for all non-water dog sports.
We are reducing the number of vinyl listening nooks from twelve to four. The full library of records and T-ray, our complimentary vinylist, will continue to offer listening recommendations.
We will no longer be retaining the services of Kenzo, our manga artist, on-site. You will still be able to submit your family photos to him via e-mail, but he will no longer be able to add swords or other ninja weapons, only energy bursts.
Christian Bale and Anna Friel will no longer be available for piggyback rides or cuddles in our nap room.
The bathysphere is being pulled up from the lagoon.
Colonial Grouponsberg will be cutting back its activities to butter churning, darning and block carving. The Indian scout, Clicks the Mouse, will no longer be available to teach you wilderness tracking, but we have commissioned an interactive kiosk to do the same.
Due to budgeting, only Ernie Hudson will be attending our "Meet the Ghostbusters" Halloween party, although Dan Aykroyd has taped a nine-minute rant about astral projection.
The solar panels in the atrium that operate the genie hologram will be disconnected and sold to a green tech recycler.
The coffee robot will no longer be equipped to offer add shots.
We will no longer be programming new shows for the Rock-afire Explosion set up in the lobby.
Please return all skateboards to the basket in the indoor skate park no later than COB on October 1st. The skate clinic with Heath Kirchart will only provide tweaking tips from 2-4 PM M-F and you will be asked to bring in your own skateboard.
The playground's swings will be removed overnight. The slide will remain open, but unmaintained, and the on-duty pool lifeguard will only be available to offer life-saving advice, not actual intervention.
Our corporate wifeysworld.com account will be expiring.
Please paint a number or recognizable symbol on the side of your cats when you drop them off at the cat-sitting bin.
Employees are asked to minimize all long-distance phone calls and please use the remaining 6500 minutes on our calling card.
We will be switching to dial-up. IT will be outfitting your computers with modems recovered from the dumpster behind an inner city high school. We have three logins available.
The coffee machine is being traded to the Greek restaurant down the street for a dozen rolls of single ply toilet paper.
The entire front of our building, including all windows, will be papered over with advertisements for ringtones. Please take home any potted plants you care about, the others will be served in the cafeteria.
Chairs will no longer be available in the cafeteria, which will also no longer be available.
We will be asking all employees to bring in their own desks, computer equipment and lighting. We will still provide electrical outlets in several useful locations.
Paychecks may be a little delayed depending on the success of our $99 eight-person Saganaki Party Groupon for the Greek restaurant that traded us the toilet paper.
Thank you for your understanding. Together we can continue to grow this business and offer great bargains on haircuts, eye exams, and trendy restaurants that get mad at customers when they walk in and use a Groupon.
Zack Parsons is the author of Liminal States, a sci-fi/horror novel that spans over a century and might entertain you if you are into that sort of thing. If you're not into that, it's cool. No hard feelings.
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
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