The US Presidential election is in its final stretch and both parties are attempting to mobilize their bases and reach out to independent voters. That elusive slice of the electorate, sometimes called "persuadables" has been comprehensively researched for months. Using extremely precise polling, the Romney and Obama campaigns are attempting to carve out small numbers of voters who might otherwise side with the opposition. As the portions of the electorate being targeted for mailings and advertising have shrunk, the messages have become much more specific. Key micro demographics being targeted are matched with carefully tested and favorable messages.
The Republican base can be characterized as social and fiscal conservatives, elderly retirees with family members able to help them get new voter ID cards, people with DVRs that constantly record the Kudlow Report as a suggestion, and college kids who have called the RA about weed smell on their dorm floor. The Republican base is more motivated than the Democrats due to four years of gun-grabbing socialism. However, with Romney narrowly trailing in key battleground states, the use of micro-targeted outreach has been key to the Republican strategy for election day.
White rapping grandmas
Targeted with TV ads featuring testimonials from white rapping grannies put out of work by "Obama's hip-hop economy." Says one former granny rapper, "I'm a rapping granny and I'm here to say / I dislike this President, not because he is black but because of his policies, in a major way."
Latina dog walkers
Spanish language billboards in urban areas explaining that 1-in-10 elderly white women refrained from purchasing a mean, yappy dog in need of a walking service because of the $716 billion Obama cut from Medicare.
Suburban dads who burn yard waste every weekend
Mailer asking, "Why should the government tell you what times on a Saturday you can burn things? It's a free country...or is it?" The text is accompanied by a photograph implying that black people are empowered by Obama to extinguish burning yard waste with buckets of sand.
Ukrainian stripper jewelers
A targeted mailer featuring a photograph of glitter-dusted cleavage and the promise that Romney's tax reform will allow upper middle class men to purchase more white gold Penthouse key necklaces for Hungarian teenagers.
Fat black BMX pros
A TV ad featuring Family Matters dad Reginald VelJohnson explaining that sponsors for BMX events have declined so much over the past four years that the 2012 summer BMX tour only had one ramp and was sponsored by Jarritos Tamarind soda.Hmong magicians
Ads played on Hmong radio stations in swing states promise to end "burdensome regulations" that prevent Hmong magicians from raising their own doves and rabbits in their flooded, fish-filled basements.
White homosexual swagger coaches
A TV ad on LOGO that demonstrates that under Democrats African American and Latino heterosexual swagger coaches have benefited disproportionately, to the point that white homosexual swagger coaches account for fewer than 75% of all swagger coaching going on in the music industry.
New England upper class white divorced moms staring wistfully out at the ocean from the back window of their kitchen
The same firm that does high-end faucet commercials was brought in to depict the plight of an aging divorcee confronted with the nightmare reality of rising costs of hiring a full-time driver and the unfair double taxation of capital gains.
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
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