Democratic Demographics

The Democratic base consists of the 47% of Americans who do not pay income tax, yet want the government to care for them, like senior citizens and zookeepers. Obama has struggled to motivate his base voters in the face of difficult economic numbers and a perceived failure to insert them all into Matrix-like pods to escape reality. Like the Romney campaign, the Obama campaign has sought additional votes by micro targeting some surprising demographics.

White CEOs with horrible B.O.

Targeted with a mailer featuring an elevator full of people covering their noses and grimacing all around an oblivious white guy in a suit. The text mentions lower corporate tax rates and small business incentives, and ends with the reminder, "Nothing smells better than success."

Greek guro fans

A TV ad reminds Greek anime fans that neither the Greek Orthodox church nor the Obama administration has specifically proscribed Elfen Lied. Obama intones, "I want people of faith to have the freedom to decide for themselves how much gore they want in their anime. Even if it's a lot and really sexualized."

Elderly white women wearing blue tooths

"Good job," reads the mailer, over a picture of an elderly woman wearing a blue tooth earpiece. "President Obama is super proud of you for figuring out how to use that thingy for your phone that you put in your ear. Thanks to low student loan rates from Obama, your grandson can spend less time worrying about his college tuition and more time talking to you about your day and where you went out to eat with your friends like all college kids love to talk about."

Gun-owning grandpas with West Nile

A picture of a sick hunter smacking a mosquito bite on the front is revealed, on the reverse side, as a man recovering in a hospital from West Nile. "I don't want your guns," reads the text. "I just want you to get well soon."

Lawyers helping children divorce from their parents

A TV ad running in key swing states features a precocious child screams, "I hate you mom and dad! I want a divorce!" followed by a recording of Mitt Romney defining a family without including the possibility of an emancipated minor living off of a trust. "Mitt Romney would take away a court's ability to force parents to buy their child an apartment. Is that his idea of freedom?"

College students terrified of Slenderman

A targeted web ad featuring grainy, black & white shaky cam footage of a backroom Romney meeting with donors. As Romney is talking about eliminating student loans for "moochers," a faceless man appears momentarily in the background, causing the video to distort and dissolve into screams and static.

Bearded white men brewing their own IPA

A mailer with a clever font features photos of the famous White House IPA, the homegrown organic brewing process, the suggestion that Obama was somehow involved in any of this, and a history of beers in the White House that reminds by omission that Mitt Romney would disappoint Space Jesus if he chugged a brew.

Latina authors of straight-to-Kindle books inspired by 50 Shades of Grey

A Spanish-language web ad on erotica websites featuring Michelle talking straight-to-camera and explaining she was a hardcore Charmed shipper who got into writing BDSM fiction based on Harry Potter back in the late 90s.

Puking, drunk white girls telling their friends to find their cell phone it might have fallen in the couch cushions

An image of a couch at a party with a pink iPhone stuffed between the cushions is accompanied with the text, "Don't worry about it right now, just have your friend call it when you're feeling a little better." There is no specific policy linked to the mailer, just a general concern from Obama that all white girls find their phones once they stop puking.

Micro-targeting represents a growing part of the electoral efforts of each campaign. There is no reason to believe this trend could reverse to the ludicrous situation where candidates are trying to say and do things beneficial to all Americans. That is never going to happen.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2018 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.