At a Glance: A remarkably bad attempt at cashing in on Quake 2's popularity, Canopy Games' magnum opus definitely represents some kind of significant achievement in terms of sheer crappiness but really not much else.
Developer: Canopy Games
These textures have been run through Paint Shop Pro's "rusty metal" filter enough times to qualify as the only serious amount of work that went into Juggernaut.
First of all, I'd like to state that Quake 2 is my favorite game in the universe. I have over 1,000 simulated hours of strogg combat under my belt, and since 1998 a small portion of my brain has been designated as an imaginary game server where id software takes on the Transformers in an epic team deathmatch that I can see whenever I close my eyes. In between thinking and dreaming about Quake 2 I have also tragically played through 95% of the horrible custom levels available for the game, which is definitely a testament to either my love of Quake 2 or my fucked-up masochistic tendencies. For the sake of completeness I knew I had to play the Juggernaut mission pack, even though it was clearly the final soul-crushing float in the parade of childhood* memory rape that is user-created Quake 2 levels. (* technically I was 15 when I started playing Q2, but I was a very saucy and immature 15-year-old)
A joint venture between Canopy Games and the forces of hell allowed Juggernaut to ship a mere 2 months after the release of Quake 2. If this was just another run-of-the-mill bad game I would simply dismiss it (with the requisite gay little hand gesture) as needing more work and maybe a few snowboarding levels, but in Juggernaut's case the imposed two month deadline was actually a blessing, as there is nothing in these 26 maps to indicate that the developers were striving to create anything but pure evil. Incidentally, most of the game's $100 development budget went towards buying kittens and promptly torturing them to death in front of horrified children at the local mall.
I liked the title of this mission pack because it instantly evoked the image of an enormous pair of female breasts in a way that made my sexual frustration slightly less painful by combining it with Quake 2. After that it was all downhill, though. The substandard level design comes off looking like the future as envisioned by people from the 80's, or possibly the 80's as envisioned by people from the future. If Juggernaut wasn't made by inhuman motherfucking cyborgs I'd probably go into a speech about how just because a game has a sci-fi theme doesn't mean it has to look like a bad Full Moon Pictures rip-off of Alien. Instead I guess I'll discuss the new weapons and enemies.
Haha, just kidding. Juggernaut doesn't have any new weapons or enemies. I made that part up. Just so this paragraph isn't a total loss, though, here are some of Canopy Games' edgy reinterpretations of Quake 2's stock models. These, sadly, are all too real.
I call the modeller's startling new vision of this monster "Gorillasaurus" in lieu of any discernable features or a more kickass name that isn't Bruce Campbell. This is by far the easiest review screenshot I've ever had to take, as there are literally 20 of these in every room.
I think this one is supposed to be all badass because it was made by prison inmates out of toilet paper and stolen cafeteria trays. I just hope this means that the creators of this game are currently incarcerated, since I doubt there is a handgun large enough to make me feel safe in a world where deranged shitfuckers like the Canopy Games staff are free to walk the streets.
Attention scientists: We know you're eventually going to improve the design of the machinegun by building it entirely out of model rocket parts, so can you please just do it now so we can maybe not get our fucking asses handed to us when the mutant apocalypse comes? Thanks.
|Note to developers: If you're going to put an opening demo in your game, try to remember to turn off god mode before recording it. The intro demo is so bad it really deserves its own review (except for the fact that it doesn't).|
It's a good thing I followed the opening demo's example and turned on god mode, because this game took an obscene amount of cheating just to reach the point where I could say the first 3 levels suck. Someone decided that it should be ridiculously difficult to compensate for the overabundance of fun in other PC games. I seriously don't think you can finish without cheating unless you're God and invented crap.
I could go on about the various ways Juggernaut may or may not be worse than Hitler, but it would be rather pointless since no one ever bought the pack anyway and its publisher has long since gone out of business (I don't normally derive pleasure from seeing karma shove it's steel-toed combat boot up another website's ass but in this case I'll make an exception). The happy ending to this review is that I still don't hate Quake 2, even though I'm pretty sure that was the sole intent of this game. That's another victory for love and one more pathetic failure that can be attributed to Juggernaut.
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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