By utilizing our underground and undercover agents at id Software (we gave the janitor five dollars and a pack of cigarettes to go through id's trash), we were able to get some exclusive character model sketches that Paul Steed originally created for Quake 3: Arena. According to our "inside sources", who are currently sitting on my sofa and drinking paint cans full of vodka, the limitations on the Q3:A engine and legal problems prohibited Paul from creating the "true visions" he wanted to see in the game. As a result, many of the character models he created could not be put into this title. Here's a few pictures of the model sketches which Paul created that have not been seen to this point, along with the brief bio that came with them.

Battle Mynx 3000

Charging into battle with her Combat High Heels and Bullet-Reflecting Nipple Armor, Battle Mynx 3000 was a force to be reckoned with. Her special X-Ray glasses allowed her to see through your clothes and armor, enabling her to easily determine your weakest area and mercilessly attack it. Her melee weapon was not the gauntlet, but instead she used the similarly functioning "Electrically Vibrating Short and Cylindrical Shiny Object". It's not a commonly known fact, but Paul had originally created every female character to be a variation of the Mynx character, from "Mynx Cyber-Warrior" to "Mercenary Mynx", but he had to change this once her lawyer contacted and reminded him of the state's strict anti-stalking laws.

Captain Slaughter McKills

Born through a series of experimental medical tests to create "The Perfect Warrior" for a meglomaniacal private industry, Captain Slaughter McKills broke free from his captors and fled to the jungle. There he defended some rebel freedom-fighters who were intent on scoring independence from the evil company that was trying to commit genocide by wiping them out from their homeland. Eventually Captain Slaughter McKills decided to enter the Q3:A tournament so he could exact revenge on the evil company that had created him, but he had to be cut from the game when the id team realized he was "every character from every fighting game ever made in the history of the universe."

Private Tanya Clitoris

As one of the elite fighters in an Army Recon Squad, Private Tanya Clitoris has a set of genetically enhanced breasts that allowed her to store volatile explosives and extra ammunition. Although her eyesight was not the best (thanks to her obscured view), the sheer amount of confusion and disbelief her characters experienced when seeing her allowed her a window of opportunity to strike first. And she struck hard and long! Under pressure from Eidos, id eventually was forced to cancel this character when they were threatened with a lawsuit claiming they were infringing upon the conceptual design for "Tomb Raider 5". Luckily you can find versions of her character in virtually every new FPS that's released.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

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