Battle Mynx 3000
Charging into battle with her Combat High Heels and Bullet-Reflecting Nipple Armor, Battle Mynx 3000 was a force to be reckoned with. Her special X-Ray glasses allowed her to see through your clothes and armor, enabling her to easily determine your weakest area and mercilessly attack it. Her melee weapon was not the gauntlet, but instead she used the similarly functioning "Electrically Vibrating Short and Cylindrical Shiny Object". It's not a commonly known fact, but Paul had originally created every female character to be a variation of the Mynx character, from "Mynx Cyber-Warrior" to "Mercenary Mynx", but he had to change this once her lawyer contacted and reminded him of the state's strict anti-stalking laws.
Captain Slaughter McKills
Born through a series of experimental medical tests to create "The Perfect Warrior" for a meglomaniacal private industry, Captain Slaughter McKills broke free from his captors and fled to the jungle. There he defended some rebel freedom-fighters who were intent on scoring independence from the evil company that was trying to commit genocide by wiping them out from their homeland. Eventually Captain Slaughter McKills decided to enter the Q3:A tournament so he could exact revenge on the evil company that had created him, but he had to be cut from the game when the id team realized he was "every character from every fighting game ever made in the history of the universe."
Private Tanya Clitoris
As one of the elite fighters in an Army Recon Squad, Private Tanya Clitoris has a set of genetically enhanced breasts that allowed her to store volatile explosives and extra ammunition. Although her eyesight was not the best (thanks to her obscured view), the sheer amount of confusion and disbelief her characters experienced when seeing her allowed her a window of opportunity to strike first. And she struck hard and long! Under pressure from Eidos, id eventually was forced to cancel this character when they were threatened with a lawsuit claiming they were infringing upon the conceptual design for "Tomb Raider 5". Luckily you can find versions of her character in virtually every new FPS that's released.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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