Mommy and Daddy were wrestling last night and it was very scary. Was Daddy hurting Mommy? Why was she screaming so much? What was that big stick thing that was making sounds? Was that a giant bee man? Who is Detroit Steady? These questions and more must be flitting through your mind after what you witnessed last night. That's okay, we have the answers.
Your confused, revolted, maybe even a little afraid. Whether you returned home early from an engagement at the Fancy Bowl or you just opened the wrong door at the wrong time, you've now seen things you can't un-see. Understanding this is the first step to moving forward with your life. No amount of cartoons or huffed glue will ever allow you to unwitness what you saw last night. Your only possibly hope is to embrace reality and absorb the facts.
Hopefully, this guide will help you adapt and cope. As they say in history: those who don't adapt die. This is known as The Lesson of the Ostrich, for that ridiculous burd of old could have flied but didn't bother and look where it got him. Extinct.
When you opened the door and saw that momentary flash of greasy flesh and hair, you really were seeing Mommy and Daddy wrestling. It was a very complicated and adult wrestling event. It was like Wrestlemania or Royal Rumble if Hulk Hogan loved Crimson Astronaut very, very much and instead of fighting he wanted to wrestle him out of love, only one of them was going to be naked and the other one, well, it looked like they were in a swing or had a giant rubber band on for pants. You weren't sure in that instant. You think it was Daddy.
It is perfectly natural to have questions about what you saw. Some of the sights, sounds, and smells of Mommy and Daddy wrestling might seem very confusing, but we promise that they all mostly make sense. Wait, by "you" did you mean "me"? As in me or you?
Do you mean me? I'm still confused. If you mean me, I can ask one, but you need to wait your turn.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
Something Awful Guides can help you, the Internet reader, make the most out of your life and just might possibly end up getting you incapacitated or killed!