So my sisters playboy issue came out (check it out at news stand or nooks or whatever the fuck you nerds use to look at titties now) and I'm dealing with a whole raft of shit. Mercede talked a bunch of trash about Bristol, saying how all that surgery makes her look like a Gradius head and how the Palins basically used me like a slave.

"She literally took Levi from a hunting trip and flew him to the Republican convention," Johnston says of the former vice presidential candidate. "He didn't have a choice. & She doesn't care, as long as she's going to the top. But it's screwed my whole family up. Levi was a prop, and once they didn't need him he was out the door."

Fucked up because I never even told Mercede about how Todd wanted me to whip him and call him toby in that buried branch davidian school bus full of machine guns and wild weed plants that follow you around that the palins keep in their backyard. Todd has one strain he's been working on for like 10 years he calls mexican snowshoe but all the clones died from somehow somebody who smokes crazy weed every day might have walked in there with weed bugs on his coat and Todd had to start all over.

Anyway, the Johnston clan can handle the press releases and shit from the palins. We're used to being called a bunch of hillbilly truck jackers who set fire to shit for no reason (we have our reasons, its personal) and get the law called on us. That's fine if big city people like Sarah Palin want to dembegrate my family or call me a liar. But you got call off Piper Palin. Like the day Playboy hit the street my sister went to see Final Destination 5 and she said there was some crazy girl smoking a cigar and laughing real loud every time somebody got their face shot with a laser or Nathan is killed by the debris of the plane from the first movie in a twist ending.

Mercede was like "ugh no smoking" and she turned around expecting to see like some big fat dude and it was piper palin who mercede swears flashed riddick eyes at her. I guess piper has been juicing and now has mad prison tattoos including a spiderweb and a full sleeve of skulls twisting around and up her jacked biceps. Piper told my sister shes gonna turn all the johnstons into ghosts and do some shang tsung shit to suck us all up and give her more power. I don't know about that shit because ghosts are proved unreal by penn and teller who also know a thing or two about the big lie of recycling. HINT: YOU CAN'T. Shit gets used, deal with it. What you think they melt down your shirts to make a new shirt? What are you 2? Fucking science can't do that shit it's just a trick they just bury it all.

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About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

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