This article is part of the Fur Trapper Saga series.
A NEW ADDITION TO THE FOUKE FAMILY
P. B. Fouke, Pres. & Gen. Mgr.It has been some time since last I addressed you, the hundreds of thousands of loyal fur trappers and shippers. In the time that has past my health has continued its steady and expected decline. In spite of this unfortunate arm twist of fate, I have maintained gay spirits and an unwavering work ethic.
It is not my unwavering work ethic alone that sustains me. A recent development fills me with much enthusiasm. Near the onset of the troubles that have vexed me so, my personal doctor and shaman, F. Gerald Thornton, suggested that I do all within my ability to ensure the Fouke bloodline survives hardily. With doctor's orders in hand, I IMMEDIATELY MADE PREGNANT MY DEAREST WIFE, THE LOVELY AND PLEASANT A. G. FOUKE.
That was over nine months ago, though it hardly seems like more than a mere moment. Just a few brief days ago A. G. FOUKE FINISHED HER TASK OF BIRTHING ME A NEW SON. I welcome to this world the young M. P. Fouke, who, along with his older brother P. B. Fouke IV, will eventually inherit this great fur operation. I, however, endeavor to remain alive for as long as possible. When the Good Lord requires my services in heaven, I will of course comply, but until then I believe my services and integrity are needed more by the hundreds of thousands of living trappers and shippers.
The young lad has already demonstrated a keen interest in fur, with clear designs on the family's menagerie of dogs, cats, and wolves. In observing his childlike curiosity, he has rekindled in me the flame of youth, summoning a great and fierce competitive spirit. No man may say that P. B. Fouke is ready to quit! To further showcase the youthful fire burning inside me, I have begun construction on a new beard to rival not just the beards of present and antiquity, but of all the beards of men for all time to come. LET NO MAN DOUBT THE DEDICATION OF P. B. FOUKE!
In celebrations of my newfound vigor and virility, I invite each of you to subtract an additional twenty per cent (20%) from all catalogue prices.
GREAT MEN TRAP GREAT BEASTS
I am pleased with our devoted customer, Mr. E. T. Dinwiddie, who answered a call I posted so long ago in a past edition of this very catalogue. Mr. Dinwiddie met my challenge and DELIVERED TO THIS FINE COMPANY THE PRISTINE PELT OF AN AUTHENTIC UNICORN. R. J. Heckwolf, my most prized grader and second, could scarcely believe the sight before his eyes.
The reward as stipulated was for the exceptional sum of $400.00. In recognition of outstanding work and my unrelenting desire to offer the highest payouts to all fur trappers and shippers, I AM GENEROUSLY AWARDING HIM AN ADDITIONAL FIFTEEN PER CENT (15%) FOR HIS INDUSTRIOUS EFFORTS.
Having acquired this most rare and delicate pelt, I now pose a new challenge to all trappers. Good trappers, here you this: $650.00 TO THE MAN WHO BRINGS ME THE FUR OF THE FABLED WENDIGO! As before with the Unicorn, I expect many a chuckle to be had. This does not diminish my ambitions in the slightest. For I know most assuredly that the Wendigo is as real as any beast, from feral bobcat to tempestuous mermaid. If it were not as such, there is not a sliver of doubt in my heart that my father would yet still live.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
The esteemed P. B. Fouke, villainous J. F. Swanton and technocratic blowhard A. P. Brown battle for fur market supremacy in this series of old-timey dispatches.